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Category : funny
Tags : Secrecy is poison to a democracy
Dec.12,2007
“CIA” is the opposite of “freedom”
Secrecy is poison to a democracy.
Disband the CIA, America’s Gestapo while we still have a few shreds of liberty left.
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Electric Monkeypedia: The Roach
Filed Under : cannabis, capitalism, Cheney, CIA, cocaine, corruption, crime, DEA, death, drugs, funny, hypocrisy, lying by vemrion Oct.23,2007I love Wikipedia! Join us for our first episode of Electric Monkeypedia in which I quote a small passage of Wikipedia and, thereby, it becometh funny. All you have to do is read the following with a British accent:
The most distinct product of the joint is the roach, or unburnt unconsumed butt end. Roaches are typically either consumed with the aid of a roach clip which offers a narrow grip without the risk of burning one’s fingers, or are saved to be combined with other roaches and rerolled into a composite or second generation roach joint. Roaches are also sometimes finished by being smoked in a pipe, or (in rare cases) consumed by eating. This is sometimes referred to as “eating the peanut”, “popping the roach” or “Wu Tang-ing it”.
Ah, so funny. This is a real Wikipedia article, folks. I just found this today — don’t ask what I was doing — and had a laugh. It was clearly written by stoners, or by a nonsmoker who went deep undercover.
Another reason I love Wikipedia? Pictures like this:
I like how it’s simply labeled: Joint.
Man, all the tools are right there for you. Kids these days have it easy. (Get off my lawn!)
This is where you’re supposed to put the obligatory anti-drug message, where I get down on one knee and look the kids straight in the eye and tell’em all they really need to know about drugs: Kids, if you grow up and become a drug dealer, watch out for the CIA — the dirty spooks will want a cut of your profits or they’ll send in the DEA to ice you like a two bit hood. It’s even worse if you play along and sell your soul to the devil and Dick Cheney. The only smart thing to do is to become a real drug dealer by peddling expensive drugs like Prozac and Ritalin to fretful, always-absent mothers and fathers who just want their child to be “normal.” You can manipulate the political and economic systems of every last country to extract maximum profits with no hard feelings… ‘Cause it’s all legal.
There ya go kids. Remember what Uncle Vemrion told you.
I hope you enjoyed this edition of Electric Monkeypedia!
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Vengeance, both swift and brutal: monkey-terrorists strike again, leave message: Do not fuck with da monkeys!
The deputy mayor of the Indian capital Delhi has died a day after being attacked by a horde of wild monkeys.
SS Bajwa suffered serious head injuries when he fell from the first-floor terrace of his home on Saturday morning trying to fight off the monkeys.
Monkey-related deaths are on the rise as swarms of deadly monkey fall like furry stones upon the heads of unsuspecting humans. The time of monkey-judgment is at hand! Pray to the monkey-god Hanuman for mercy or you just might slip on a banana-peel carefully placed by his secret monkey assassins!
You may think monkey-murder is a laughing matter, but you won’t be laughing when twenty rhesus monkeys attack you out of the blue, rape your women and throw feces at your friends.
Given the chance, these monkeys will surely destroy us all. That’s why we need tough anti-monkey legislation. Contact your congresscritter today and screech into the phone until he gets the message.
No doubt the monkeys are forming a government-in-exile as we speak, plotting a bloody return to power. Monkey-terrorists are drawing up plans for more sneak attacks designed to liberate their brothers in the jails we call zoos while militant monkey marauders have plans to attack peanut supply-lines and drop coconuts on peoples’ heads.
There are rumors of a Monkey Caliph hiding in the jungles, biding his time until more human governments are overthrown. My sources risked their lives to bring me this information. Monkey-spies lurk everywhere, waiting to fling poo at those who speak against them. Our young are inculcated with coded pro-monkey messages while monkey mullahs openly recruit new converts to their militant monkey madrasahs.
There can be no doubt. This is all-out war — a great struggle between civilizations and it’s time to choose sides. You’re either with us or you’re with the monkeys.
This has been an Electric Monkey Pants Intergalactic News Network (EMPINN) special report!
Democrats Eat Poo
Filed Under : America, Congress, corporatism, funny, partisanship, scam, Shadow Government, war by vemrion Oct.2,2007Our current Constitutional Crisis summed up in one pithy comic:
It wouldn’t be so depressing if it weren’t so true. The myth of partisanship is just that; a myth. In reality, both parties are controlled by a higher party: The Money Party (or the Business Party if you prefer).
If the two parties were boxers, the Democrats would be the one throwing the fight. The Republicans would be the one biting the other guy’s ear off.
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You knew this was coming…
“Shut up! …Bloody Peasant!”
“Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system!!”
Indeed.
I guess “Don’t tase me, bro!” is the “Help, help! I’m being repressed!” of our generation.
Iron Maiden is a kick-ass band with songs full of crazy guitar solos and high pitched vocals, but that’s not all they offer. Almost every song is a history lesson, covering a diverse range of topics and times. This hilarious article about Maiden vs. high school history class is 666 kinds of awesome:
I am writing this letter in protest of the perverse travesty I have suffered at the hands of Mr. Bradley in the form of the horribly unjust “F” grade he has given me for last semester in his complete fraud of a class, World History 101. It calls into question the academic standards of this institution!
–snip–
100 B.C. The Roman Empire: The opening track “The Ides Of March” from the album Killers takes its name from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, in which the Roman Emperor is betrayed and murdered by Brutus after being warned to “beware the Ides Of March,” which is March 15th. This song immediately reminded me of the time that asshole senior Zack threatened he’s kick my ass if I didn’t return his copy of Slayer’s Reign In Blood before Christmas break, and my so-called “friend” Marty totally sold me out and told him that it was in my locker the whole time. This betrayal led to my tragic, Caesar-esque fall from grace. More specifically, this involved Zack wailing on me and duct-taping my buttcheeks together in the locker room after gym class. Et tu, Marte?
BTW, the descriptions of the songs are 100% true! The lyrics really are about historical events.
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For those of you being redirected here, check out the original story that started the madness:
Ron Jeremy Confesses to Masterminding Sept. 11th Attacks with KSM
Porn-star Ron Jeremy has confessed to masterminding the attacks of September 11, 2001 along with his long-lost brother Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. “We did it,” Ron Jeremy wrote in his confession, calling the mysterious collapse of the towers “the money shot.” Read more…
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Check out the above video. It’s just about the coolest thing I have ever seen. My initial thought was “this has got to be fake” but Zcorp is a real corporation and the process seems plausible, especially the way that simple models take several hours to “print” out.
I didn’t know such things were possible, but it looks like somebody found a way. I guess they took inkjet and laserjet technology and added a 3rd dimension to it (thus, the “Z”, as in the Z-axis), using some sort of plaster-like material to form the objects. I just think it’s so amazing that they got this crazy-ass idea to work. I bet it doesn’t come cheap, though.
What’s more, scientists are using similar technology to try and “print” organs (like, as in human organs) at the cellular level. Imagine a world where waiting for a liver transplant doesn’t involve waiting for a donor but waiting for the printer to finish. Of course, the error messages will get that much more annoying: “Out of BioInk. Please insert fresh flesh cartridge. Or you will die.”
I can only imagine that something this powerful would be insanely expensive. If this technology is going to come down to the masses we’re going to have to get the word out to the people who matter, the people who can really make a difference. Yes, that’s right: Pornographers. Once the porn industry gets ahold of this and starts making life-sized models in a big-ass printer the world will never quite the same.
Of course, you can already predict which organs will be the first to reach the mainstream. Just be careful what you ask for when you go to the printer.
are you looking for cock …
’cause i’m overstocked!!
B’doomph! Yup, I just had a “great pickup line” moment just then. i wanted to share it with y’all, ’cause I am so giving. :-p
Really using it would entail getting punched in the face, but it’s fun to think about.
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Sweet Jesus McGillicuddy!
Jun.19,2007
Oh Velicirapture!
In his boundless love he can even cradle and soothe a young velociraptor. This photographic proof disproves evolution…. but if Jesus loves velociraptors so much why did he smite them with a mighty asteroid? Maybe they’re all sitting on his lap in Heaven.
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Just a friendly reminder.
… I’d actually be more worried about #11 — invades your country and lets his private mercenary armies rape, pillage and kill indiscriminately.
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