Category : humor

Ten Ways Dick Cheney Can Kill You


Just a friendly reminder.

… I’d actually be more worried about #11 — invades your country and lets his private mercenary armies rape, pillage and kill indiscriminately.

This is one of those stories that can’t be made unfunny. I know I said I was boycotting the BBC (I found this via Reddit), but their write-up is too funny to pass up.

Israel has recalled its ambassador to El Salvador after he was found drunk and naked apart from bondage gear.Reports say he was able to identify himself to police only after a rubber ball had been removed from his mouth.

Gagged, bound, disoriented and nearly-naked? Sounds like he was negotiating with the Bush administration!

Authorities said they were unable to find the donkey.

A foreign ministry official described Ambassador Tzuriel Refael’s behaviour as an unprecedented embarrassment.

The incident, which happened two weeks ago, has renewed calls for a radical overhaul of the way Israel appoints and promotes its diplomats.

Indeed, Israel has changed the process for initiating new ambassadors. No longer will they be gagged with a rubber ball and forced to dress up like the gimp. Nope! No more drunken orgies or visits to the dominatrix for spanking and discipline. Part of Israel’s culture is fading they conform to international norms. The hazing process will now involve papercuts and titty-twisters like most other countries.

Mental note: watch out for those El Salvadoran dominatrices. They really go the extra mile.

FuglyBack

Just got back from Toronto and on the way back, in the airport I saw a little 8 year old girl on the pudgy side with those multicolor cornrows that all the girls get when they go to somewhere tropical for spring break… and I thought: “She’s bringing fugly back.”

Yeah, it’s pretty awful, I know. But it was one of those thought-portmanteaus or something… You know, when two thoughts get mushed together. I took some, like.. “thought dough” and kind of merged it before I realized how totally cruel that shit is. But it’s still funny, yo!

I’m sure you all hate me know, but I’m bringing brutal honesty back, like Randal tried to bring back “porch monkey” in clerks II. Oh yeah, and it’s a reference to Justin Timberlake and his SexyBack thing-song. I’m wasn’t aware sexy left, but it’s a smart move on JT’s part. Bringing back something that never left is very easy. However, convincing people that you brought it back is the key to deluding the helpless public.

You may thing you’ll get away with this, Justin — but I’m on to you!! And your little SneakyBack shit, too. Fucker.

Anyway, I’m tired and my feet hurt. Bad. That concludes this post… Stay fugly, Toronto.

Hate to Say I Told You So

No, this isn’t about Iraq (but I did). Instead, it’s about Van Halen. I mentioned the impending reunion a few posts ago, if you remember. Well, like the poll results indicated, disaster was just waiting for a chance to spooge its awful justice in our collective faces.

Over the weekend, employees of tour promoters Live Nation were informed that “the Van Halen tour has been shut down.” It’s not yet clear what went wrong: Just last week, the band released their first official photo of their new line-up to Rolling Stone.

Well, there goes that. I guess Wolfgang will have to get a summer job instead. Welcome to showbiz, kid!

Anybody have any bets on what went wrong? I’m betting that David Lee Roth started some random beef with Eddie about Wolfie being in the band (he wanted to hire a rapper instead), or maybe Dave just demanded a separate touring bus that floats (he doesn’t like bumpy roads). Mr. Roth is not known for being gracious and accommodating. But he is known for great lines like this:

At the time, Roth told us that he was thrilled about the tour, and that the reunion could be permanent: “I have Hope and Faith – and that’s more than just the name of a couple of strippers from Albuquerque,” he said.

Those strippers would probably have less mental issues. Maybe the Van Halen family can hook up with them.

Happy Friday from the Star Wars Kid

This is the best parody of the Star Wars Kid I’ve ever seen. Enjoy:

Wake up, America!

Wake up America! Stop the New World Order. What a great fuckin’ picture, eh? Click on it for a larger view. So what’s funnier? Condi Rice in “blackface” or Rumsfeld looking like he’s dead, but reanimated somehow? I love this artwork, man. Great stuff. The generals in the rear, to the right, look particularly psychotic. This guy has some mad skillz! Head over to Mark Bryan’s site for more fucking sweet pics. Here’s another one in the same vein:

It’s called General Monkey Brains. Appropriate for this blog, yes? Monkeys are always funny — I keep telling you.

Okay, one more. I can’t resist:

It’s called, El Fin de Bozo and it’s fucking hilarious for reasons I can’t fully explain. But c’mon, a clown drive-by shooting is just funny as is. LOL!

Ahh… now that’s what I call art!

Working too hard

Got this at work today from a friend:

working too hard

Luckily I didn’t have one of those smashing-my-face-against-the-keyboard days. Pretty gruesome, ehh?

Don’t work too hard. Happy weekend!

Bush Attacked by Rabid Turkey!

What a fearsome attack by the turkey!! Bush is surely finished now. Whole swarms of turkeys will track him wherever he goes. He messed up big. They first thing they tell you is “don’t piss off turkeys” in politics.

Okay, so I just found a picture and made that up. But Fox News makes up news all the time, so why can’t I? And really, don’t we all secretly wish that GW would be eaten alive by vicious swarms of malignantly insane turkeys prowling the earth searching for prey among the weak and stupid? I mean c’mon; everybody wishes that.

I think we’ve really learned a lot here today, children. Let’s all prey for the president’s immediate emasculation by turkeys in the hope that it will improve the sociopolitical milieu of our times. No doubt the current political paradigm is trending towards a cancerous expansion of power reminiscient of the archetypal slide into oligarchical totalitarianism so familiar in history that it calls for the only remedy that could be carried out forthwith, which is the president being fed to a ravenous squadron of rabid turkeys. Duh.

That’s a great picture, though. Bush would be a funny guy if he weren’t so sociopathic.

Monkey sniff butt!

Here’s what this site is all about folks:

That’s right folks! Welcome to Electric Monkey Pants! Your source for sophisticated humor.

Monkey sniffs butt!!
Monkey sniffs butt!! Woo!

Ask a Ninja takes on the Matrix

AskaNinja.com has a new episode (okay, it’s over a week old) taking on the Matrix. Pretty funny stuff! Click the play button above to view.

Jesus was gay

I don’t get this whole thing. Jesus was clearly gay. Here’s a historical image of him groping a follower:

Okay, I’m totally joking. But let’s not forget that Jesus was a rabble-rousing radical revolutionary. He is usually depicted in Christian imagery as being a bit of a hippy (long hair, beard, sandals, probably smoked weed, etc.). Heck, he was basically the original hippy, preaching nonviolence while evil festered and grew all around him. Instead of being thanked for his wisdom and optimism he was nailed to a cross, much like hippy war protestors were shot in the ’60s and ’70s (Four dead in Ohio).

How come the people who claim to love Jesus the most seem to act in a way that is directly opposed to everything Jesus stood for?

Bush Vampire

Sucking the life out of Lady Liberty.