Saturday, February 03, 2007

Van Halen reunites for David Lee Roth hair implants fundraiser

Okay, that was cold. I shouldn't make fun of balding people, it's just that David Lee Roth's receding hairline reminds me of how old I am. I can remember that Hot For Teacher video like yesterday. That was like 20 years ago. 23, I think. Damn dude. 2007 is like... the future! We're in the future! And it's pretty fucking dystopian.

Beyond the obvious terror of the deranged Bush regime we future-dwellers have further horrors to contend with. Like the prospect of a middle-aged Van Halen dancing on our memories, forever encoding the grim reality of their wrinkles upon our youth. Well, at least they have Wolfgang with them. If you haven't heard, Eddie's 15 year old son Wolfgang has replaced original-bassist, Michael Anthony. Mikey has been playing with Sammy Hagar's band recently, which kind of pissed off the Van Halen brothers. I love Eddie's playing, but I think he's fucking washed up and needs to lay off the booze and get his shit together.

What are your predictions for the upcoming Van Halen / David Lee Roth reunion?

David Lee Roth is back in Van Halen. The tour will result in...
massive amounts of cash
unmitigated disaster
a new album
a boycott by Michael Anthony fans
Sammy Hagar crying in his tequila
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10 sick little monkeys screeched back