Neo-cons hang Saddam in retaliation for assassination of Gerald Ford

This just in from the Electric Monkey Pants Intergalactic News Network (EMPINN):

Washington insiders say that today's execution of former Iraqi dictactor Saddam Hussein was moved forward by neo-conservatives eager to punish the traitorous hippies for the alleged assassination of former President Gerald Ford.

Our sources indicate that the neocons, led by Dick Cheney, believe that a covert hippy assassination squad was responsible for the untimely death of Cheney's old boss, Gerald Ford. The prevailing theory is that a Greenpeace-trained eco-terrorist squad was responsible for the hit, citing Ford's love of meat as the main beef.

EMPINN correspondants report that most people on "the street" believe that a poisoned carton of applesauce was smuggled into the Ford residence and deployed remotely, via "secret hippy-powers."

A call to Hippy Headquarters in San Francisco reached the "main dude" of the Hippy Network who responded to the allegations forcefully, stating, "What?! Uh... man, that's fucked up. No way, dude; these people are on acid. Fuck them, dude."

Now insiders are indicating that the hanging of Saddam Hussein was, in part, a retaliation for the hippy hit on Ford. An anonymously dressed source maintains "it was payback for the Ford hit. Since, you know, hippies are in league with Saddam the Cheneyites figured that killing Saddam would sap them of their powers."

The vice president's office refused to comment, saying, "Dick doesn't have time to respond to every little rumor that his office leaks out. Besides, he's in a meeting with the Prince of Darkness and can't be interrupted."

This has been an Electric Monkey Pants Intergalactic News Network special report.