EMP: Now with more laughs and less despair!

Hey everybody. I've added a bunch of new links to the blogroll: Crazy Web Comics!

Check out the sidebar (under the Blogroll, which is under the Archives, etc.) for 12 of the funniest comics you can find on the web -- and only on the web, since they contain "mature" content that's apparently not fit for the family newspaper.

Got any great comics that I'm missing? Let me know in the comments.

Believe it or not, this blog was intended to be a humorous, fun, weird place. I originally wanted the blog to live up to its name a little more than it does now (although there are many meanings, connotations, perspectives to be had on my bizarre little name). Yep; Electric Monkey Pants was supposed to be a barrel full of monkeys. But something got mixed up and the monkeys took over the White House and things have been getting steadily worse ever since, which is pretty depressing.

So yeah. Politics, while a big interest of mine, was not supposed to so utterly dominate the blog. It just kind of happened. I felt I had to speak out, even if it all it got me was placed on a list somewhere and the creeped out stares of friends and coworkers.

I'm hoping things get better soon so I can focus on quirky, fun shit, rather than serious, depressing shit. Will Obama deliver that sort of turnaround?

Don't make me laugh. It's gonna take a lot more than that. But I think the neocons are weaker than they seem. The cracks are starting show and the juggernaut is beginning to sputter and list to the side. When their ship of fools runs aground I will be the one laughing so hard it sounds like thunder.

St. Thomas' decision to ban Desmond Tutu from campus smacks of cowardice

The intellectual cowards over at the head office of the St. Thomas University adminstration should be ashamed. They have shown themselves to be contemptible weaklings without the guts or the will to hear viewpoints they may disagree with. And this institution is supposed to be a vanguard of academic freedom? For shame.

What am I talking about? I'm referring to St. Thomas' recent decision to withhold an invitation to Nobel Peace Prize laureate Archbishop Desmond Tutu.

St. Thomas never invited Tutu to speak, but declined to approve an invitation as part of the PeaceJam, an event the school has hosted for the past four years. PeaceJam officials have now arranged to have the South African archbishop and activist speak at its April event, which will be held at Metropolitan State University.

St. Thomas officials said that local Jewish leaders they consulted felt that Tutu had made remarks offensive to the Jewish people in a 2002 speech about Israeli policy toward the Palestinians.

Columbia University just made St. Thomas look like a bunch of backwater bush-league pussies. Nobody likes Ahmadinejad; that's not the point. The point is the free exchange of ideas. If you don't like what somebody says you don't try to censor them, you use your freedom of speech to elucidate your opposition to said ideas. The president of Columbia, Lee Bollinger, may have been a dick to Ahmadinejad, but at least he let the motherfucker speak. St. Thomas' president, the Rev. Dennis Dease, won't even let a fellow man of the cloth on campus. What a fucking pussy.

His lame-ass excuse "Teh Joos don't like one speech he made dis one time!" is full of shit. What he means is "Some extreme-rightwing Zionist oppressor Jews don't want nobody talking shit about the way they fuck over A-rabs in Palestine." There, fixed it for you, Dease. (You can suck dees nuts)

In fact, Dease has been getting a lot of mail from Jewish groups saying, "Let this guy speak! We're not anti-free speech! Why'd you listen to those assholes?!" [[ I'm paraphrasing in case you haven't noticed ]]

So, you might be wondering what crazy-ass shit this Tutu guy was spewing that pissed off the hard-right fascist/zionist types. Well, he said the most offensive thing you can possibly say to a warmonger: "Peace is possible."

Israeli Jew, Palestinian Arab can live amicably side by side in a secure peace. And, as Cannon Ateek kept underscoring, a secure peace built on justice and equity. These two peoples are God’s chosen and beloved, looking in their face back to a common ancestor Abraham and confessing belief in the one creator God of salaam and shalom.

Oh man, that is some whack shit! Who let this guy in here?

Then he reveals his true hatred for teh Joos:

I give thanks for all that I have received as a Christian from the teachings of God’s people the Jews. When we were opposing the vicious system of apartheid, which claimed that what invested people with worth was a biological irrelevance – skin color – we turned to the Jewish Torah, which asserted that what gave people their infinite worth was the fact that they were created in the image of God.

He calls teh Joos "God's people." We're clearly dealing with a loose cannon here, folks.

Seriously, that's what the whole speech is like. He criticizes the occupation of Palestinian lands, but he clearly has problems with the Israeli government, not the Jewish people.

I with many other Nobel Peace Laureates. I, after taking counsel with the then Bishop of Jerusalem, am a member of the Board of the Shimon Peres peace center in Tel Aviv. I am a patron of the Holocaust center in Capetown. I believe that Israel has a right to secure borders, internationally recognized, in a land assured of territorial integrity and with acknowledged sovereignty as an independent country. That the Arab nations made a bad mistake in refusing to recognize the existence of sovereign and in pledging to work for her destruction. It was a short sighted policy that led to Israel’s nervousness, her high state of alert and military preparedness to guarantee her continued existence. This was understandable. What was no so understandable, what was not justifiable was what Israel did to another people to guarantee her existence. I have been very deeply distressed in all my visits to the Holy Land, how so much of what was taking place there reminded me so much of what used to happen to us Blacks in Apartheid South Africa.

This guy sees echoes of Apartheid in Israel. He was there. He expresses viewpoints not too far from middle-of-the-road Democrats in America. When did expressing disagreement with a foreign government become a censorable offense? Oh that's right; when you're a boot-licking fascist who wants to kiss the ass of future dictator George Bush. I guess Dease thinks he can become the Tsar of Education under a future King George. (Or whatever. Maybe he's just a fucking idiot, I don't know.)

The scary thing here is not the shoddy treatment of a Nobel laureate. He'll speak on another campus, one not controlled by Nazis. He'll be fine. No, the scary thing here is how incredibly fucking normal, sane and mainstream his ideas are. If this is how a Nobel laureate is treated by The Powers That Be, how are the rest of the us going to be treated when the other jackboot falls and we're under martial law? Tutu's beliefs are almost exactly in line with mainstream Democrats, Independents and even many Republicans. The main difference is that he's an archbishop, an Apatheid survivor and a international icon.

Where the fuck does that leave the rest of us?

The Cloak of Stupidity

The Oligarchy won't allow impeachment.

However, if you want to remove the Oligarchy you have to remove Bush first. It's a Catch-22 born in Hell and swaddled in conspiracy. Some people suggest that the Democratic Congress is simply incompetent and divided. I think it's much more likely that they are servile and paid-for.

Check out this awesome article from Glenn Greenwald. He nails the Democratic-controlled Congress for being the sell-outs they are.

Impeachment is necessary, but the Democrats resist where there's merit while the Republicans rushed forth without the People behind them. Both parties are a bunch of fuck-ups. They're so incompetent that there's no difference between that and evil. When that's the case you have evil hiding itself behind a Cloak of Stupidity. Ironically, it's a brilliant plan.

Whoever said "Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity," was essentially writing evil a blank check. It seems the quote itself is stupid...or evil. Hanlon, however, created the quotation as more of a joke, not a axiom set in stone. Foolish are those who set store by it.

The Dark Ones will gladly use the Cloak of Stupidity to escape perceived culpability because the repercussions for negligence are much less severe than those for malice. It's a simple cost-benefit analysis for the neocons: "We're not evil, we're stupid!" I predict you'll be hearing that excuse a lot in the near future. Don't fall for it. If you wear the Cloak of Stupidity you deserve to be stripped naked, warts laid bear.

The Oligarchy reacts to sunlight like a vampire does. Expose the Hidden Hand and you'll be one step closer to impeachment and true liberty.

Feds Train Clergy To "Quell Dissent" During Martial Law

A shocking KSLA news report has confirmed the story we first broke last year, that Clergy Response Teams are being trained by the federal government to "quell dissent" and pacify citizens to obey the government in the event of a declaration of martial law. Economic Collapse? Another mass-casualty, false-flag attack? [/digg]

This is incredibly disturbing. Here's the news clip for those who doubt:




Am I cynical to believe that something terrible will happen either right before or right after the elections (before inauguration)?

If it does, we've gotta stick together, organize and resist. This can't happen to America. It's like a nightmare you can't wake up from.

Wicked Writhing Weasels

They wiggle. They squirm. They stonewall.

Karma's ruthless cycle spins on, heading directly towards the neocons like a bolder rolling down a mountain. The years of lies, paranoia, war and greed are finally catching up. They will do anything to avoid the inevitable fallout of their actions.

Anything.

Post Reveals Dick Cheney Spies On White House Staffers

The Washington Post's profile of Dick Cheney reveals there is "unannounced standing order" in the White House: "Documents prepared for the national security adviser, another White House official said, were 'routed outside the formal process' to Cheney, too." [/digg]

This is unbelieveable. Cheney has set up a Shadow White House, a secret one designed to give him control over information going from and to Bush.

Sorry if this blog seems like the "Dick Cheney really sucks, mkay" blog lately, but I think it's amazing how blatantly unconstitutional Cheney's mindset and the Bush/Cheney White House really is. We need to get this asshole out of here NOW. He has remade the executive branch in his own image, but with himself floating above the pyramid like an all-seeing eye. Sauron, er, I mean, Cheney, is clearly trying to build a dictatorship.

Somebody has called for a general strike. At this point, I'm prepared to second that motion.

Cheney tells agency that VP's office is not part of the executive branch

The Office of Vice President Dick Cheney told an agency within the National Archives that for purposes of securing classified information, the Vice President's office is not an 'entity within the executive branch' according to a letter released Thursday by the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform. [/digg]

See? This is why Dick needs hookers (and hooker disposal services) -- being the master of a super-governmental agency, floating above the executive, legislative and judicial branches is tough work.

Hookers. Dick needs hookers.

If you think voting for Hillary will solve the problems Bush made you're fuckin' dreaming

George W. Bush has been a disaster for this country, there can be no doubt. However, beware of those who want to be his successor -- many of them are just as bad, if not worse.

Case in point: Hillary Clinton has vowed to keep U.S. troops in Iraq if she's elected. Not only is she a war supporter, she is even more blatant about her willingness to spill American blood for Iraqi oil.

As for Iraq’s importance to US “national security,” Clinton could not have been clearer: “It is right in the heart of the oil region.”

Asked how many troops would be left behind under such a plan Clinton demurred, claiming that she would bow to “the advice of military officers.” Undoubtedly, however, these open-ended missions—securing Iraq’s borders, suppressing resistance, training its military and, above all, assuring control of its oil, not to mention protecting and supporting all those engaged in these activities—would require the permanent basing of tens of thousands of US soldiers and marines in an occupation that would last for decades.

Hillary Clinton is an imperial neocon traitor, just like Bush. Do not be fooled. If Hillary is elected we can look forward to more of the same. She's so ambitious she will sell out any principle, sacrifice any amount of American lives, do any amount of damage to our nation to achieve her selfish goals. The only thing that matters to her is getting elected president. Everything else is secondary, including our Constitution, our troops, our nation, our liberty and our standing in the world.

I repeat: Do not be fooled! Many of the Democrats are nothing more than neocons in sheep's clothing. Ironically, the Republican-in-name-only Ron Paul might be our best bet for 2008. He's basically a Liberatian in Republican guise. He was against the war in Iraq from the beginning and he wants to shut down the Federal Reserve -- that pretty much gets my vote right there.

It's worth noting that the Democrats have done little to get us out of Iraq so far -- if this is still the case in 2008 then we might need to re-examine our ideas of partisanship. All partisanship does is divide us. I'm as guilty of this as anyone. Maybe it's time to vote for the person and not the party.

Bush & Gen. Pace: No "Plan B" Strategy for Iraq (There was a "Plan A"?!!)

From Digg. Full story here.

A group of governors asked Bush and Marine Gen. Peter Pace about their backup plan for Iraq. What would the administration do if its new strategy didn't work? The conclusion they took away was that there is no Plan B. "I'm a Marine," Pace told them, "and Marines don't talk about failure. They talk about victory."

"Plan B was to make Plan A work."

Talk about some scary shit. Are these two running a war or a comedy show?

If the Democrats don't smell weakness here and move in, it's because they're controlled by the same folks who control the neocons. I was hoping there was another game in town, but it looks like We the People are alone in this fight. And most of us would rather watch Larry the Cable Guy than put pressure on our representatives. We know this is stupid.... are we still going to stand for it?

Sometimes I think the world would be better off without us. If we can't fix this maybe our species doesn't get to survive. We're destroying our planet and killing each other. All these years and we still haven't figured it out.

"The ultimate Plan B is pull everybody out," said Stephen D. Biddle, a senior fellow at the Council on Foreign Relations and an adviser to the Defense Department. "Nobody wants to do that. Most are looking at the middle ground between surge and pullout."

Well, let's go for Plan-fucking B already, asshole!! "Nobody" wants to do that? Who the fuck are you talking to, Biddle?! Get us the fuck out of there. NOW! We don't want to be an Empire anymore, okay? So fuck off and die.

Biddle, who noted that new Iraq strategy proposals "proliferate hourly" in the public domain, said another variant is to set up "heavily defended forward operating bases out in the desert somewhere [and] either sit there and mind our own business and do nothing except be present -- enabling us to say we're still there -- or, in a somewhat more activist flavor, to conduct raids of various kinds" against al-Qaeda bases and rescue missions for Iraqi military units.

Oh great, we can be warlords in western Iraq and Somalia just like all the other gangsters and thugs. We could conduct raiding parties like pirates or vikings. Brilliant. This fucking egghead is just brilliant. This weak-ass, spineless piece of shit is suggesting the United States of America assume the position of the lowest of the low -- a marauding band of beggars and thieves.

First of all, al-Qaeda is mostly an illusion, a creation of the CIA during the Afghan war against the Soviets. Secondly, they were just an excuse to kick our country in gear. The Powers That Be decided that they wanted us to be aggressive and bloodthirsty to further the consolidation of their empire so they cooked up 9.11 to whip us into a frenzy. But now the excitement has worn off and we're stuck in the middle of the desert with a bunch of people who are so crazy they're killing each other more than us.

Let's face reality, wake up from this nightmare, impeach Bush/Cheney and bring the troops back home! Then we can apologize to the world, undertake massive economic reforms, investigate the wrong-doings of the government going back 60-some years and put things right politically. We've really let things get all fucked up, so we've gotta clean house. First on the list are those spineless scorpions -- the neocons. Then we can get the vampire bats (fat aristocracy/business) and the filthy rats (criminal networks) and the scheming spiders (secret ruling cabals) who have woven this network of fear and exploitation.

Can we agree that this war is bankrupt? It's all over but the crying... and some more killing if the neocons get their way. That's why we have to sweep them from power. If we don't act soon we can expect more of the same. Attacking Iran would be colossally stupid... in other words, it's right up the neocons' alley.

World Conquest is a Lonely Sport

Tony "Poodle" Blair has decided to pull out of Iraq. Sort of. Eventually.

This more of a big deal symbolically than realistically since Britain only had around 7,000 troops in country anyway (they had around 45,000 for the invasion -- you know, "the fun part").

Hopefully this will cause people in America to scratch their softboiled heads and wonder, "Well, uh, why are we still there? Is the U.K. safe from terrorism now?" You will recall, of course, that the UK/USA alliance was keen to fight the terrorists "over there" rather than "over here." What changed? Was there some anti-terr'rist bust in Iraq that I missed? Did they somehow solve the terrorism problem in the UK? Oh, if only such a solution worked in the US too! Maybe they have perfected some sort of anti-terror aerosol spray. But then, that wouldn't really fit with with the neocon MO, would it? Terror is their bread and butter. They need it to govern. Blair is only doing this because he knows his term is almost up. He obviously plans to declare victory and hope that the public just forgets about the whole thing. Will they forget all of the lies and manipulation and sexing-up of intelligence dossiers? Experience shows they might.

But that won't be so simple in America. We've borne the brunt of this conquest (well, except for the Iraqis, but nobody counting them, right?), and Bush pulled out all the stops to sell this war. Now it looks like we're all alone in this boondoggle.

I don't mean to disparage Kazakhstan's 29 troops. Or the 41 troops Estonia has over there. Truly, a fearsome fighting force. I quake in my boots just thinking about them. And Moldova's troops, all 12 of them, are so incredibly powerful that I think it would be fine if we left them in charge and took our 132,000 troops back home to preside over the president's trial for treason.

But we may have problems doing that since King George is the commander in chief. Still, Congress has certain powers, including the power of the purse strings. Cutting off funds for the war is a harsh and dangerous course.... but so is leaving the troops in Iraq indefinitely. It's time to take a stand, people. If it's a constitutional crisis Bush and neocons want, then that is what they'll get. I think there are enough pissed off Democrats in the House and Senate to make this a very interesting fight. I suspect that much is being played out behind the scenes. The neocons know that it's time for them to leave, but like a drunken and belligerent house guest they are steadfastly resisting all attempts at reason. More drastic actions may be required. (Fun way to get rid is a belligerent houseguest: Tell them their car has been towed. Hopefully they'll be on the front lawn by the time they remember they took the bus. Use this time to lock the door and pull the shades)

I'm ready to take to the streets if necessary to compel the neocons from power. I know my shit don't amount to much, but it's all I got. I wish I could lend more to the struggle. I know there are some people, even in the ruling class, who have had enough of the neocons. I trust that they have a plan to remove them from power... but it sure is taking a long time. I don't know what's playing out behind the scenes, but I can't imagine the neocons have many allies left. Regardless, it's time to end this game. World conquest is not a good way to make friends.

Cheney's Handwritten Notes Implicate El Presidente Bush in Plame/CIA Leak Affair

The two biggest criminals in this country are both implicated in the Plame affair. As Scooter Libby's trial progresses and things look worse and worse for Cheney's ex-right-hand-man his defense team is casting blame in every direction... including toward "the top."

Last week, Libby's attorney Theodore Wells made a stunning pronouncement during opening statements of Libby's trial. He claimed that the White House had made Libby a scapegoat for the leak to protect Karl Rove - Bush's political adviser and "right-hand man."

"Mr. Libby, you will learn, went to the vice president of the United States and met with the vice president in private. Mr. Libby said to the vice president, 'I think the White House ... is trying to set me up. People in the White House want me to be a scapegoat,'" said Wells.

Cheney's notes seem to help bolster Wells's defense strategy. Libby's defense team first discussed the notes - written by Cheney in September 2003 for White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan - during opening statements last week. Wells said Cheney had written "not going to protect one staffer and sacrifice the guy that was asked to stick his head in the meat grinder because of incompetence of others": a reference to Libby being asked to deal with the media and vociferously rebut Wilson's allegations that the Bush administration knowingly "twisted" intelligence to win support for the war in Iraq.

However, when Cheney wrote the notes, he had originally written "this Pres." instead of "that was.

The "meat grinder" is generally taken to mean "the DC press corps". So, after re-inserting "this Pres" into Cheney's note it reads: "not going to protect one staffer and sacrifice the guy this Pres. asked to stick his head in the meat grinder because of the incompetence of others."

It's not surprising that strategy concerning the Plame affair would be discussed at the highest levels. But Bush has been denying all along that he knew anything about the leak.

When Cheney testifies will he throw Libby under the bus like Addington? I can't wait to find out. What happens when the top two liars in the country are implicated in a scandal, tied to an illegal war that's been used to justify illegal wiretapping? Well, if Republicans are in charge: Nothing. However, I have a smidgen of hope that the Democrats will pursue impeachment. They'd better hurry up about it because I keep hearing more and more noise about starting a war with Iran. It sounds like the preparations for a joint U.S./Israeli strike are almost complete.

VP Cheney Threatens Iran with his Cock

The neocons push closer to war with Iran, as shown by the blunt comments made by El Presidente Cheney in Newsweek:

He repeated the Bush administration's stance that the United States seeks to resolve the dispute over Iran's nuclear program through diplomatic means, but that all options are on the table.

"I think most of the nations in that part of the world believe their security is supported, if you will, by the United States. They want us to have a major presence there," Cheney said in an interview with Newsweek magazine, according to a transcript released by the White House on Sunday.

"When we -- as the president did, for example, recently -- deploy another aircraft carrier task force to the Gulf, that sends a very strong signal to everybody in the region that the United States is here to stay, that we clearly have significant capabilities, and that we are working with friends and allies as well as the international organizations to deal with the Iranian threat," Cheney said.

Allow me to translate in case Captain Cheney's comments were too subtle: "Iran, you best watch THE FUCK out, ya heard? We're comin' for your shit, so you might as well run now, bitches. Represent, sluts!!! We gonna fucks you up!"

The above is an official translation.

Cheney proceeded to whip out his dick and let the fucker smash on a table with a menacing thud:

Responding to other comments -- including criticism from Brent Scowcroft, and others who have worked with Cheney in the past -- he says, "Well, I'm vice president and they're not."

Yeah, you're a big man, Dick. The whole article sounds like one big "fuck you" to everyone who's ever criticized him... which means: just about everybody. I'm sooo glad he isn't even bothering to hide his megalomaniacal tendencies or paranoid hatred of all who disagree with him. It's refreshing.

Now, is anyone planning to remove Bush/Cheney from power soon? I dunno, like maybe the Democrats? They sure don't seem to be moving very fast. They'd better hurry the hell up 'cause from the sound of things we're gonna be having a blood kegger in Tehran by the end of the year. I'm sure Persian blood may not taste as sweet as Arab blood, but Cheney will still do a fucking kegstand on their country unless we get him the fuck out of office.

The neoconservatives like to point to "appeasement" by the UK during Hitler's rise to power in order to justify their invasion of Iraq. I think we should use Chamberlain's appeasement to justify removing Cheney from power before it's too late. Appeasement of fascists is never a good idea. Cheney, as a fascist, should know.

War of Global Aggression: White House Wanted 2002 Iraq War Resolution to Include Entire Middle East

In an interview in GQ Magazine, Republican Senator Chuck Hagel reveals that the Bush administration tried to get Congress to approve military action anywhere in the Middle East -- not just in Iraq -- in the fall of 2002 during the run-up the War in Iraq.

Here's an excerpt from the interview:

GQ: It’s incredible that you had to ask for that.
Hagel: It is incredible. That’s what I said to Andy Card. Said it to Powell, said it to Rice. Might have even said it to the president. And finally, begrudgingly, they sent over a resolution for Congress to approve. Well, it was astounding. It said they could go anywhere in the region.

GQ: It wasn’t specific to Iraq?
Hagel: Oh no. It said the whole region! They could go into Greece or anywhere. I mean, is Central Asia in the region? I suppose! Sure as hell it was clear they meant the whole Middle East. It was anything they wanted. It was literally anything. No boundaries. No restrictions.

GQ: They expected Congress to let them start a war anywhere they wanted in the Middle East?
Hagel: Yes. Yes. Wide open. We had to rewrite it. Joe Biden, Dick Lugar, and I stripped the language that the White House had set up, and put our language in it.

This is really chilling stuff. Right here, in front of our faces, we have evidence (from a Republican no less) that the Bush regime was planning a war of global aggression back in 2002. What more is there to say? The neocons have been planning a series of invasions for years (probably long before 2002) which would allow them to reshape and control the whole Middle East, from Iran and Syria to Iraq and Saudi Arabia. Iraq is only the first step; that's why the neocons are so determined to stamp out opposition to the war.

Do you still think the talk of going into Iran is just talk? I'm betting battle plans have been drawn up and they are entering the final phase of preparations. The key is to trick us into war. Keep your eyes open for a false flag attack.

Neo-cons hang Saddam in retaliation for assassination of Gerald Ford

This just in from the Electric Monkey Pants Intergalactic News Network (EMPINN):

Washington insiders say that today's execution of former Iraqi dictactor Saddam Hussein was moved forward by neo-conservatives eager to punish the traitorous hippies for the alleged assassination of former President Gerald Ford.

Our sources indicate that the neocons, led by Dick Cheney, believe that a covert hippy assassination squad was responsible for the untimely death of Cheney's old boss, Gerald Ford. The prevailing theory is that a Greenpeace-trained eco-terrorist squad was responsible for the hit, citing Ford's love of meat as the main beef.

EMPINN correspondants report that most people on "the street" believe that a poisoned carton of applesauce was smuggled into the Ford residence and deployed remotely, via "secret hippy-powers."

A call to Hippy Headquarters in San Francisco reached the "main dude" of the Hippy Network who responded to the allegations forcefully, stating, "What?! Uh... man, that's fucked up. No way, dude; these people are on acid. Fuck them, dude."

Now insiders are indicating that the hanging of Saddam Hussein was, in part, a retaliation for the hippy hit on Ford. An anonymously dressed source maintains "it was payback for the Ford hit. Since, you know, hippies are in league with Saddam the Cheneyites figured that killing Saddam would sap them of their powers."

The vice president's office refused to comment, saying, "Dick doesn't have time to respond to every little rumor that his office leaks out. Besides, he's in a meeting with the Prince of Darkness and can't be interrupted."

This has been an Electric Monkey Pants Intergalactic News Network special report.

I can't fucking wait until the world ends: We all deserve to die

You've heard about global warming, massive ecological damage to the planet, blah blah blah... HURRY UP!!! Where's the fucking death and destruction I've been waiting for? Not here, and that's the problem.

I don't think I need to go over the basics of global warming, environmental destruction, nuclear weapons, overpopulation, terrorism, Peak Oil, the neocons being in charge or the end of the Mayan calender in late 2012. You know about that shit, right? We're living in an apocalyptic age. So here's my question: Where the fuck is the apocalypse already?!!! I'm getting tired of waiting.

We all know it's coming. It's like the crappy twist ending to an M. Night Shyamalan movie. Everybody knows it's a fucking alien or whatever. But this is like the Shyamalan movie that keeps going on and on and on and on and on and the fucking cheesy twist gimmick hasn't showed up yet. Hell, you guessed what the twist will be about 3 hours ago, but the movie is stilllll going!! What the FUCK?!! Will the world just end already? Jeeze!

I want to see our wretched over-consuming, ultra-militarized American society collapse under its own weight. I want to see the fat and the weak die in the streets! Where's the fucking blood, man?! I'm sick of our horrifically obese (physically, financially, politically) nation beating the living shit out of brown people in various parts of the world. When's our turn?! You know it's coming. The laws of karma demand it.

We deserve to burn for Iraq. We should all go to hell for letting this bullshit war continue. We deserve to die, like we've condemned the Iraqis to die. And the worst part is we continue to LIE to them and tell them we've liberated them! Jesus fucking Christ people, at least have the courtesy to tell them the truth while we're raping their country of it's precious natural resources! You're gonna tell me all the goddamn flag-waving hicks who support this war ACTUALLY GIVE A FUCK about Iraqis?!!!! I will laugh in your ignorant face, you fucking gullible tool.

Our government is composed of the most evil, wicked and soulless men alive. Our government, along with the military-industrial complex, killed 3,000 people on September 11th, 2001 in order to trick us into going to war. And what has our reaction to this fascist take-over been?

"Ooohh, let's see if Lost is on! The revolution can wait until after Survivor is over! Oh wait, I just want to read a retarded fashion magazine! I can't wait until the new Wii is released! I'm a delusional fucking idiot who doesn't know anything about politics! Let's just let the country careen into a fucking ditch the size of the Grand Canyon! Who gives a fuck as long as I've got my botox, designer jeans, video games, reality TV, SUV, 401k, and a lot of other useless crap that makes me feel good for about 2 seconds so I can forget that my government is a satanic collective of Nazis bent on taking over the world's resources while simultaneously lowering the world's population through war, starvation and man-made diseases!"

Fuck all of you selfish fucks! And fuck me too for not having the balls to light myself on fire and run into the capitol building with a bomb strapped to my chest. Fuck all of us. We deserve to die. We are killing the planet with every piece of food we eat (fuck all of you self-righteous vegans for thinking you're not guilty of the same thing! Plant flesh is just as sacred as animal flesh!). We kill it every time we drive a car, every time we turn on a fucking light, and every time we knock down a tree so we can build a goddamn strip mall with a 27 muthafucking acre parking lot!!!

Humanity is a fucking virus, and we're killing the host. It's time to die people.

DIE DIE DIE!!!!

When the next American civil war comes (and it will come -- soon), it will be my honor to kill each and every last one of you fucking traitors who supports the war in Iraq and the Bush regime that perpetrated 9/11.

I suppose a lot of you are still in denial about 9/11. Understandable. Not everyone is a structural engineer. But there's no more excuses. We have the power of the internet and people are still ignorant. I don't think you need any help from me. Open Google and start researching. It's only the future of our entire fucking country at stake, so please don't complain about me calling you a useless traitor piece of shit if you decide to watch The Biggest Loser instead.

To some extent we are all absolved by the fact that this world was totally fucked up long before any of us were born. However, the time of excuses is running out rapidly. With the power of the internet at your fingertips you have NO EXCUSE for being an ignoramus anymore.

Do you think America is "teh koolest-est cuntree evar!!"? Then you are a fucking idiot. America has fallen. America is now the world leader in corruption, evil, terrorism, hatred and intolerance. The CIA is the premier terrorist organization in the world. They fucking own al-Qaeda -- literally. The CIA started al-Qaeda during the 80's to fight against the Soviets in Afghanistan. They are still being funded and controlled by the CIA. So fuck all of you shitheads who tell me I'm not patriotic enough. I love America -- the REAL America, not the "Amerika" it has become (rather like evil Superman). We haven't used the Constitution for anything except for toilet paper in almost 100 years. America is fallen. Amerika is now the Empire from Star Wars, and Dick Cheney is its Emperor.

Amerika is a place where you can get arrested for smoking a joint or wearing a T-shirt that says "Peace" on it, but if you're the president you can send thousands of troops to die and kill in a foreign land based on lies and distorted intelligence and nobody can do shit about it. And half the people think it's just fucking great. Amerika committed genocide while it was being born (ask the Native Americans about that one) but then it turns around and claims Saddam is evil for killing his own people... with WMDs that we gave him! (well, "sold to him" -- Amerika is all about $$$$$). What the fuck are we supposed to make of this hypocrisy?!

And don't get me started on all the fucking greedy businessmen who are so obsessed with money that they don't give a second thought to destroying the environment if it helps the bottom line. The only thought that goes through their fat, ugly heads is: "How can I make sure I don't get caught?" Amerika drains the lifeblood from the earth, like a vampire. We are all a party to this wicked devil-dance. If you dance to their tune, you're just as guilty as they are. Are you willing to bet your soul that George Bush is right? Do really fucking believe he gives a damn about the welfare of everyday Iraqis? Do you really believe businessmen when they say, "trust me, I care deeply about the environment and our workers' safety and happiness." Sucker. They don't give a fuck. It's all about PR. Just lie to the cameras and everything will be okay.

Politicians on both sides of the aisle lie. That's all there is to it. Neither side can be trusted. And if there is someone in power who dares to speak the truth he will be ruthlessly co-opted or assassinated, post-haste. We've lost 2 Kennedys, MLK, John Lennon and Paul Wellstone to the machinations of the elite. The elite, by the way, are a sick bunch indeed. They are engaged in drug smuggling, terrorism, arms dealing, child abduction and molestation, torture, murder, satan-worship and God knows what else.

I'm not really saying I wish we all die tomorrow. I mostly just wish the global elite would. But since the reverse is more likely to happen, maybe I shouldn't pin all my hopes on our coming destruction. But it doesn't really matter what I think, does it? Oil will peak. The economy will crash. The environment will shed its parasites. Our government will collapse (every government eventually does). The only question is when? And what are we going to do about it?

Well, I for one, will be glad. Not because I like not being able to eat, drink, work, drive a car or turn on a light. That part will suck. No, I will enjoy it because there will be so much less ignorance and hubris in the world. I'm so fucking sick of the arrogance and suicidal stupidity of most Amerikans, and pretty much all of western civilization for that matter.

There's an not-so-old saying the Middle East (ya know, the place we're presently occupying, destroying, raping and terrorizing) that goes like this:

My father rode a camel. I drive a car. My son flies in a jet plane.

His son will ride a camel.

Ya know, maybe the internet doesn't make you smart. Those people didn't need it to come up with that revelation, and here we are in Amerika with a quarter billion morons surfing the web. Maybe we will be smarter once we have nothing. Maybe the world will be a better place once we're no longer in it.

First Rumsfeld says goodbye, then Pinochet does too

Donald Rumsfeld flew to Iraq today, with only a few days left in office. He "bid the troops farewell" and tried to shore up the neocon war effort in Iraq, warning of the consequences of failure. Indeed, this war is Rumsfeld's legacy, and he wants to see it won. Too bad he fucked it up so badly, every step of the way. His only true legacy will be American humiliation.

And we should be ashamed, for propping up men like General Pinochet, ex-Dictator of Chile and friend of evil, who said goodbye in his own way, by kicking the bucket. It's worth noting he took power on September 11th, 1973. How fitting. The linked article above glides past CIA responsibility for Pinochet's coup, but everyone knows Washington wanted Allende out of the picture. They admit as much. I wonder what Rumsfeld was up to in the summer of 1973...

Ah Rummy & Pinochet! What a couple! ...

See ya, boys. ...

You won't be missed.