Fear and Loathing in Maplewood

Catch my review of a recent All-American Rejects show in Maplewood over at PerfectPorridge.com! Despite what you may think it was a pretty crazy time. Here's a quick excerpt:

Just when I was about to write the youth of today’s idea of rock’n'roll off as about as rebellious as a church picnic, the crowd started to raise some hell. Crowd surfers erupted in the pit and the girl next to me tried to climb onto the stage. When security dragged her back down she refused to stand up and had to be physically removed from the building; outside there were cop cars with lights flashing and sullen occupants in the back seat. Clearly, a good time was had by all.

Read the rest of it!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Cutting costs

The Big Three automakers are in trouble. So naturally, they do what all captains of industry and hard-nosed capitalists do when the chips are down.

They fly to Washington in splendor to ask for a hand-out from the taxpayers.

ABC News has more:

The CEOs of GM, Ford and Chrysler may have told Congress that they will likely go out of business without a bailout yet that has not stopped them from traveling in style, not even First Class is good enough.

All three CEOs - Rick Wagoner of GM, Alan Mulally of Ford, and Robert Nardelli of Chrysler - exercised their perks Tuesday by flying in corporate jets to DC. Wagoner flew in GM's $36 million luxury aircraft to tell members of Congress that the company is burning through cash, asking for $10-12 billion for GM alone.

I wonder if the idea of curbing executive bonuses, perks, jets, options and salaries has even been seriously discussed in any of the corporate boardrooms from whence this plan to get taxpayers to pay for their failures came. Here's how I imagine it would go down:

SVP: "Hey guys, I have an idea: How about we curtail our perks, slash our salaries, eliminate our massive bonuses and quit giving the executive team stock options until we get the company back in the black!"

Rest of board: " .... HAHAHAHAAA!!!!"

EVP: "Good one, Chuck!"

SVP: "Thanks. I also know jokes about Mexicans."

All the people who scream about socialism being some intrinsic evil never seem to mind corporate welfare or socialism for the rich. The supposed-capitalists who run the American economy don't blink an eye before bailing out an incompetently-run company for billions of dollars. But if you suggest we spend money on infrastructure, schools or the poor they will scream "SOCIALIST!!!" at the top of their lungs. They're all about privatizing profits and socializing losses, which I think is the calling card of Evil 2.0 -- they get you on both ends, coming and going.

The rich play by their own set of rules and we are merely spectators. We just voted in a new Congress but we sure and hell didn't give them the okay to go around bailing out private enterprise. But in Washington money talks and the populace is told to shut the fuck up and go buy a TV. Nevermind the fact you can't afford it! You've got to do your part, just like all those CEOs who rode on their private jets to complain about how poor they are!

Just play your role, America: that of a lamb being led to the slaughter.

And so it shall be done...

Police welcome protestors to St. Paul for the RNC

The St. Paul Police Department has unveiled a new poster designed to make protestors of the upcoming Republican National Convention here in the Twin Cities feel welcome as Republicans start coming to town en masse.


I feel safer already, don't you?

An Obviously-Brilliant Proposal

Er... wait, was it "modest" or "obviously brilliant"?

Regardless, I have an idea, everyone! Stand back, place safety goggles over your eyes, make sure the lead-lined X-ray bib is securely fastened to your chest and that your boots tied up tight.

Some Background
Now, I may be an old-fashioned (young) guy, but I believe that fair is fair. And our tax code, ladies and gentlemen, is not fair.

For instance, did you know that:

Two-thirds of U.S. corporations paid no federal income taxes between 1998 and 2005, according to a new report from Congress.

The study by the Government Accountability Office, expected to be released Tuesday, said about 68 percent of foreign companies doing business in the U.S. avoided corporate taxes over the same period.

Collectively, the companies reported trillions of dollars in sales, according to GAO's estimate.

What a sweet deal for them! They get to operate without having a huge tax burden weighing down on them, freeing them to make more investments and take more risks.

Of course, they have a shitload of capital, credit and resources to begin with. But this is America, goddammit! We don't make corporations pay taxes no matter how much they fuck up the environment or make insane profits on the backs of their low-income workers.

But -- and I'm getting to my ridiculously cool proposal -- I can't help but think that it's not especially fair that multi-billion dollar companies don't have to pay any taxes (ZERO fucking taxes) whereas, I, as a Regular Joe, have to pay about 30% of my income in taxes every year.

Perhaps I am just a whiner, not fit to lick the boots of a mighty multinational like Wal*mart. I know, I know. This is America. Corporations have more rights and resources than regular citizens. Yeah, "The Constitution guarantees..." blah blah blah... Obviously the Constitution don't mean shit. Money talks and the Constitution was written on hemp paper by a bunch of proto-hippy revolutionaries who wore funny clothes and probably squealed like girls when tickled.

This is America, goddammit! We drive hummers and invade countries full of smelly brown people who are all determined to kill us (our Media assures us this; it must be true!) or even just because they looked at us funny. We don't have time for "rules" or "equality" or what's it called.. uh.... libraries? .. no... uh, -- "Liberty!" Yeah, that's it.

But what I want is not to return our country to the whole Constitution thing. I'm not that naive. However, I do think it would be freakin' neat if we lived in a country where lawful citizens were counted as 3/5ths of a corporation. Currently, we're about a zillionth of a corporation, so 3/5ths would be a vast improvement.

My Blindingly-Awesome Proposal
U.S. citizens, when paying their taxes, should be able to write off "overhead". Only our "profits" should be taxed.

That means, no taxes should be administered until after the essentials of running a healthy body/mind have been accounted for.

What are the essentials? Food, water, shelter and clothing are a good start (no, a big screen TV is not an "essential"). That means I should be able to deduct all of the money I spend on food, rent/mortgage and clothes (within reason) before any other deductions. A healthy mind is important, too, so education costs, books and maybe even an internet connection should also be deductable.

Also, I have to have certain things in order to do my job -- or even get to it -- like a functioning car, gas, a bunch of hygienic equipment to look/smell nice, a cell phone and a computer. That's all overhead; my paycheck is not "profit." It's revenue. I have to spend a big chunk of it just to stay alive and another chunk to fit into the corporate world. These are expenses and they are subtracted from revenue before you end up with profits -- if you have any.

As you probably know, only corporate profits are taxable. Most overhead costs (the costs of running a business) are exempt. Wikipedia lists examples of overhead expenses as follows:

Overhead expenses include accounting fees, advertising, depreciation, indirect labor, insurance, interest, legal fees, rent, repairs, supplies, taxes, telephone bills, travel and utilities costs.

So I should be able to deduct my high-paid accountants as well. Then I can make sure, like most corporations, that I pay no income tax. Alternately, we could just leave gaping loopholes in the tax code so normal people don't have to hire expensive accountants (and then deduct the costs of their services). Something like, "if you don't feel like paying any income tax this year, check this box."

So you see, my super-cool proposal just brings Joe Sixpack into the same league as the corporations, who already have incredible advantages in the economy because of their size and reach.

Corporate Welfare is Only for Wealthy Corporations
Small businesses generally take it up the rear as well since they can't afford all those slippery accountants. Or maybe those small businesses just need to take a page from the criminals on Wall Street and learn how to privatize profits while socializing losses.

It doesn't seem fair to me that the average guy/gal has to assume the vast majority of the tax burden when most of are making jack diddly squat compared to a major multinational. Fair is fair. Progressive income taxation is based on the idea that the rich should pay a greater portion of their income because they can afford it and because they owe it to society; especially since the rich people/corporations take advantage of the situation and pay their workers a pitance while making them work long hours in often-dangerous conditions. Meanwhile, the CEO gets his taxes paid for by the corporation via what is known as a "gross-up".

Think it's unfair of me to use the corporate tax code instead of the individual one? Well, like I said, fair is fair. Corporations are increasingly using the individual tax code:

An outside tax expert, Chris Edwards of the libertarian Cato Institute in Washington, said increasing numbers of limited liability corporations and so-called "S" corporations pay taxes under individual tax codes.

"Half of all business income in the United States now ends up going through the individual tax code," Edwards said.

Turnabout is fair play.

Even though my brilliant tax proposal seems like a total giveaway I could make it a reality. If I had high-powered corporate lobbyists at my disposal I could enact all sorts of people-friendly laws. I'd use my army of ninja-lobbyists to get a 28-hour work week and every Friday off, along with guaranteed overtime for salaried workers and an Economic Bill of Rights for all.

Instead, the already-rich corporations have the lobbyists and they use them to get ever-greater amounts corporate welfare. Then they rewrite the laws so that the managers pay a lesser percentage of tax than their secretaries do, as Warren Buffett pointed out:

Speaking at a $4,600-a-seat fundraiser in New York for Senator Hillary Clinton, Mr Buffett, who is worth an estimated $52 billion (£26 billion), said: “The 400 of us [here] pay a lower part of our income in taxes than our receptionists do, or our cleaning ladies, for that matter. If you’re in the luckiest 1 per cent of humanity, you owe it to the rest of humanity to think about the other 99 per cent.”

Mr Buffett said that he was taxed at 17.7 per cent on the $46 million he made last year, without trying to avoid paying higher taxes, while his secretary, who earned $60,000, was taxed at 30 per cent.

Notice how he implies he could've made his effective tax rate much lower if he had bothered. But he didn't. Badass. But most CEOs are not as cool as Warren... of course, he could probably stand to pay his secretary more than 60K a year if he's making 46 million, don't you think?

Anyway, the point is: The system is unfair. Let's try to level the playing field a little bit.

My proposal is not to make humans equal to corporations. That's crazy. I just want to make a person worth 3/5ths of a corporation. Is that too much to ask?

Shit! George Carlin has gone and died, that fucker

George Carlin is no longer with us.

Shit, now I'm pissed off because that fucking cunt left us to fend off all those corporate cocksuckers by ourselves; George was one tough motherfucker but he finally went tits-up.

Carlin had a lot more than seven dirty words to say to us. He was the finest philopsher of our era. Sure, he was funny -- wickedly funny at times -- but he wasn't afraid to go ten minutes without a punchline 'cause he was more than a comedian. He was a Stand-up Philosopher.

Gone but not forgotten.

Need a reminder?



I dunno about you, but I almost forgot about twat. Damn!

The psychics at The Onion have done it again!

The Onion has a pretty good track record of not only reporting the news before it happens, but making it funny, too. They've been eerily prescient before, but sometimes I forget just how good these guys are!

Just last month I posted a hilarious Onion TV video that featured a supposed al-Qaeda operative arguing with a 9/11 Truther. The video works on many levels, but for me it was funny because the al-Qaeda guy is so obviously spewing Bush administration talking points and desperately trying to claim credit for something clearly beyond their capabilities. He even brings a receipt for flight lessons and brags about his connections to the White House: "Me and Bush, we go out, we hang."

The idea of al-Qaeda stepping up to defend the Bush administration's version of events on 9/11 is pretty hilarious, but come on! That's just over the top, right? It was a good chuckle and then we all moved on.

Apparently somebody thought this wasn't funny enough in fiction so al-Qaeda has made it real!

Osama bin Laden's chief deputy in an audiotape Tuesday accused Shiite Iran of trying to discredit the Sunni al-Qaida terror network by spreading the conspiracy theory that Israel was behind the Sept. 11 attacks.

Just sit back and soak that in. I didn't make up that quote, amazingly.

One enemy of the U.S./Israel accusing the other of understating the first's evil is funny enough, but this treads onto satire when al-Zawahri says blaming Israel makes Muslims look stupid!

"The purpose of this lie is clear — (to suggest) that there are no heroes among the Sunnis who can hurt America as no else did in history. Iranian media snapped up this lie and repeated it," he said.

Haha!! This is straight out of the Bush regime's racist playbook. Look at the implication: Muslims can be heroes only if they're terrorists! Only a moron or a stooge would admit such a thing about his own people. Sunni or Shi'ite, you'd think Zawahri would try to unify the sects against the Zionists, but instead he plays right into the Bush regime's hands by simultaneously defaming Muslims everywhere (as if every Muslim is just itching for a chance to blow himself up!) and sowing divisiveness amongst his people at the same time. Zawahiri is either a tactical moron or a CIA stooge.

Could he actually expect to sway Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad with this argument? Ahmadinejad may be an idiot, a tool and a loudmouth, but he is not a terrorist or a dictator. He is like Putin, a strongman that the people have turned to in order to provide a hedge against U.S. imperialism.

Ahmadinejad knows, like Putin, that the 9/11 attacks were self-inflicted in order to provide a pretext for Bush's endless wars of conquest (and embarrassment). Heck, even our allies in Japan are starting to question the events of that day. In retrospect it looks like an incredible boon to an administration that has done nothing but evil with the goodwill generated worldwide in response to the tragedy.

Many people say the Bush administration is too incompetent to pull off the attacks and subsequent coverup, but I say al-Qaeda is too incompetent to do ... much of anything! Call the Bush team what you will, but they are masters at manipulation and misdirection. They managed to steal two elections and they orchestrated an incredible propaganda campaign to trick the nation into war with Iraq. I remember watching the news back in early 2003 thinking I was living in an endless Twilight Zone episode. And what happened to the treasonous military men, the lying pundits and the architects of this atrocity? Well they're mostly still around and many of them have been promoted!

People need to realize that the Bush administration isn't incompetent when it comes to stuff like Katrina: They just don't give a fuck! ... There's a difference. They look after their own, not a bunch of poor folks who don't vote Republican anyway.

Al-Qaeda is a CIA-sponsored group whose only role is to draw attention away from the real terrorists. This is common knowledge among the elite, although some still cling to a twisted sort of incompetence theory:

Bin Laden was, though, a product of a monumental miscalculation by western security agencies. Throughout the 80s he was armed by the CIA and funded by the Saudis to wage jihad against the Russian occupation of Afghanistan. Al-Qaida, literally "the database", was originally the computer file of the thousands of mujahideen who were recruited and trained with help from the CIA to defeat the Russians. Inexplicably, and with disastrous consequences, it never appears to have occurred to Washington that once Russia was out of the way, Bin Laden's organisation would turn its attention to the west.

Oh, I think it occurred to them alright. It was the plan all along. You think the CIA can't "take care of" a few jihadis waving around U.S.-made stinger missile launchers? The CIA doesn't just let anybody play with their toys. They can find you. After all, details about members of al-Qaeda are, by definition, in "The Database."

That raises another question: Who the fuck would name their terrorist organization after a "structured collection of records or data that is stored in a computer system"?!

I have an idea. I'm going to start an organization dedicated to the Liberation of the Great State of Minnesota from the Oppressive Federal Government of the United States of America. I'm going to name this organization..... Pants!

What do you think? "Pants" ... or "Pants!"? ... I'm not sure, does the exclamation point sell it?

Anyway, my point is that it's completely fucking ridiculous. I just made my hypothetical liberation front look clueless, stupid.... and somewhat artistic, I guess. Maybe "al-Qaeda" would make a good, Dadaist band name in Arabic, but it doesn't do shit for a supposedly committed bunch of terrorists.

Let's look at other "terrorist" organizations and what kind of names they have (I'll assign grades based soley on the clarity and effectiveness of the name, not their tactics or ideology):

• The Islamic Movement of Uzbekistan - localized, religious and grassroots. These guys know how to name a group. Doesn't lock them into terrorism either. B+
• The Moroccan Islamic Combatant Group - very straightforward; we know right away they're into Islam, fighting and Morocco. However, isn't this a little open-ended? Most groups start with a specific cause... you know, like freeing their homeland or something. These guys just feel "combative", apparently. It should be no surprise they're affiliated with al-Qaeda. B-
• The Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine ( الجبهة الشعبية لتحرير فلسطين ) - very savvy name. They're playing the populism card, plus you know exactly what their goals are. A
• The Irish National Liberation Army - once again, very straightforward. You know what they want and who they represent right away. Would this front be as popular if they were named "fishsticks"? I doubt it. B
• The Covenant, The Sword, and the Arm of the Lord - even though these guys aren't clear about what they want, it's obvious they're into Jesus and swordplay. Kinda makes you wanna learn more about'em too, but not really. I'm giving it a better grade because it rhymes. C+
• The United Liberation Front of Asom - pretty clear what they're after here. I like the unity reference; makes you think they're a big tent liberation front. But like most Americans I didn't know where the hell Asom is (northeast India). A-

I have to give al-Qaeda a D- for their crappy name. I would give them an F, but the randomness of it is pretty funny... except for the whole killing and murder thing. But that's the rub; I just don't buy these guys as terrorist masterminds. They can't even fucking name themselves right, so why would I think they could pull off 9/11? Even if you say, "okay, maybe 'The Base' refers to a military base" it makes no sense because the modus operandi of these guys is supposedly their decentralization. There is no main headquarters. They're ostensibly a loose-knit group of cells that operate independently, yet aren't really controlled by Osama either, who is mostly a figurehead who provides funding (or did... he's probably dead). Let's face it: "al-Qaeda" probably only makes sense if you don't speak Arabic.

If you're still not convinced al-Qaeda is a joke, watch an incredible BBC documentary called The Power of Nightmares. You'll be glad you did.

As for me, I will continue to worry about the real terrorist organization plaguing this wretched earth: The Central Intelligence Agency. A look at their record exposes the deep hypocrisy of the United States government when it comes to terrorism:

• You blow up a bus in Whogivesafuckistan? You're a terrorist.
  
• You overthrow a legitimate government and replace it with a puppet government that proceeds to butcher 500,000 of its own people? You're a hero. Here's your medal.

Even The Onion can't make that level of hypocrisy funny.

Fake! Museum says Crystal Skull not Aztec in origin

But where did the 12 crystal skulls come from and do we need to gather them by Dec. 12th, 2012 to stop the Earth from flipping over?!! Anybody know where the 13th skull can be found?! Paging Dr. Indiana Jones…

But though no crystal skull yet found at archaeological digs has proved to be authentic, the 12 located around the world continue to arouse interest and speculation.

Apart from the Paris, London and Smithsonian skulls, nine belong to private individuals -- the skull of destiny, the Sha-Na-Ra skull, the synergy skull, the Max skull, the Maya skull, a so-called E.T. skull, the amethyst skull, the reliquary cross skull and the pink crystal skull.

Each skull was supposed to correspond to 12 worlds in which human life was present. They were brought by the Itza, the ancient people of Atlantis, to their civilisation in order to pass on their knowledge to man.

The 13th world, the land, also had its own crystal skull, and all 13 skulls were kept in a great pyramid by the Olmecs, the Mayas and ultimately the Aztecs.

The Aztecs are said to have been responsible for the dispersal and loss of the skulls, which when brought together possessed great powers, including being lined up on the last day of the Maya calendar -- December 21, 2012 -- to prevent the earth from tipping over.

Yes, this all may be a bunch of mumbo jumbo but I think it's pretty fucking cool. After all, this is the stuff great movie plots are made from.

Wouldn't it be cool to own one of these skulls? Imagine whipping it out at parties: "Yeah, this is an ancient Olmec skull that was brought to South America by the escapees from Atlantis. It needs to be gathered with the other skulls on December 21, 2012 or we're all fucked. Pretty sweet, eh? I had to kill a bunch of Nazis to get it."

Ah, true fiction. Chicks dig guys with ancient crystal skulls possessing mysterious powers... or so I've heard.

Al-Qaeda denies 9/11 Conspiracy Theories

Al-Qaeda demands recognition for their attacks on the World Trade Center on Sept. 11th:


9/11 Conspiracy Theories 'Ridiculous,' Al Qaeda Says

Truer than anything you will see on FauxNews, folks.

And yes, "truer" is a word.

You doubted me. Admit it. ... Go on; admit it. ..yeah.

p.s. Sorry about the lame commercial before the video. I just think it's ironic given the content.

Stabberella

This is my new favorite website: Conjugal Harmony

I'm coming to bust you out, BabyBoo! You too, Fisty!

Damn, I wish that site were real. On the other hand, it's probably good that it isn't.

Now that I've totally degraded myself and delved into the awful pseudo-reality of women's prisons, I might as well tell you about my new favorite title for a porno. I saw it on Cracked the other day, and it's got a bunch of hot, naked chicks in a prison setting on the cover. The title is.... ( wait for it ).... 30 Days in the Hole.

Commercial for the Mainstream Media (MSM)

If somebody was selling this, would you buy it?

Secrecy is poison to a democracy

"CIA" is the opposite of "freedom"

Secrecy is poison to a democracy.

Disband the CIA, America's Gestapo while we still have a few shreds of liberty left.

Electric Monkeypedia: The Roach

I love Wikipedia! Join us for our first episode of Electric Monkeypedia in which I quote a small passage of Wikipedia and, thereby, it becometh funny. All you have to do is read the following with a British accent:

The most distinct product of the joint is the roach, or unburnt unconsumed butt end. Roaches are typically either consumed with the aid of a roach clip which offers a narrow grip without the risk of burning one's fingers, or are saved to be combined with other roaches and rerolled into a composite or second generation roach joint. Roaches are also sometimes finished by being smoked in a pipe, or (in rare cases) consumed by eating. This is sometimes referred to as "eating the peanut", "popping the roach" or "Wu Tang-ing it".

Ah, so funny. This is a real Wikipedia article, folks. I just found this today -- don't ask what I was doing --- and had a laugh. It was clearly written by stoners, or by a nonsmoker who went deep undercover.

Another reason I love Wikipedia? Pictures like this:

I like how it's simply labeled: Joint.

Man, all the tools are right there for you. Kids these days have it easy. (Get off my lawn!)

This is where you're supposed to put the obligatory anti-drug message, where I get down on one knee and look the kids straight in the eye and tell'em all they really need to know about drugs: Kids, if you grow up and become a drug dealer, watch out for the CIA -- the dirty spooks will want a cut of your profits or they'll send in the DEA to ice you like a two bit hood. It's even worse if you play along and sell your soul to the devil and Dick Cheney. The only smart thing to do is to become a real drug dealer by peddling expensive drugs like Prozac and Ritalin to fretful, always-absent mothers and fathers who just want their child to be "normal." You can manipulate the political and economic systems of every last country to extract maximum profits with no hard feelings... 'Cause it's all legal.

There ya go kids. Remember what Uncle Vemrion told you.

I hope you enjoyed this edition of Electric Monkeypedia!

Horde of wild monkeys kill Delhi deputy mayor, set up monkey government

Vengeance, both swift and brutal: monkey-terrorists strike again, leave message: Do not fuck with da monkeys!

The deputy mayor of the Indian capital Delhi has died a day after being attacked by a horde of wild monkeys.

SS Bajwa suffered serious head injuries when he fell from the first-floor terrace of his home on Saturday morning trying to fight off the monkeys.

Monkey-related deaths are on the rise as swarms of deadly monkey fall like furry stones upon the heads of unsuspecting humans. The time of monkey-judgment is at hand! Pray to the monkey-god Hanuman for mercy or you just might slip on a banana-peel carefully placed by his secret monkey assassins!

You may think monkey-murder is a laughing matter, but you won't be laughing when twenty rhesus monkeys attack you out of the blue, rape your women and throw feces at your friends.

Given the chance, these monkeys will surely destroy us all. That's why we need tough anti-monkey legislation. Contact your congresscritter today and screech into the phone until he gets the message.

No doubt the monkeys are forming a government-in-exile as we speak, plotting a bloody return to power. Monkey-terrorists are drawing up plans for more sneak attacks designed to liberate their brothers in the jails we call zoos while militant monkey marauders have plans to attack peanut supply-lines and drop coconuts on peoples' heads.

There are rumors of a Monkey Caliph hiding in the jungles, biding his time until more human governments are overthrown. My sources risked their lives to bring me this information. Monkey-spies lurk everywhere, waiting to fling poo at those who speak against them. Our young are inculcated with coded pro-monkey messages while monkey mullahs openly recruit new converts to their militant monkey madrasahs.

There can be no doubt. This is all-out war -- a great struggle between civilizations and it's time to choose sides. You're either with us or you're with the monkeys.

This has been an Electric Monkey Pants Intergalactic News Network (EMPINN) special report!

Democrats Eat Poo

Our current Constitutional Crisis summed up in one pithy comic:

It wouldn't be so depressing if it weren't so true. The myth of partisanship is just that; a myth. In reality, both parties are controlled by a higher party: The Money Party (or the Business Party if you prefer).

If the two parties were boxers, the Democrats would be the one throwing the fight. The Republicans would be the one biting the other guy's ear off.

"Help, help! I'm being Repressed!" Monty Python and Tasers

You knew this was coming...



"Shut up! ...Bloody Peasant!"

"Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system!!"

Indeed.

Everything I Need To Know, I've Learned From Iron Maiden

Iron Maiden is a kick-ass band with songs full of crazy guitar solos and high pitched vocals, but that's not all they offer. Almost every song is a history lesson, covering a diverse range of topics and times. This hilarious article about Maiden vs. high school history class is 666 kinds of awesome:

I am writing this letter in protest of the perverse travesty I have suffered at the hands of Mr. Bradley in the form of the horribly unjust "F" grade he has given me for last semester in his complete fraud of a class, World History 101. It calls into question the academic standards of this institution!

--snip--

100 B.C. The Roman Empire: The opening track "The Ides Of March" from the album Killers takes its name from Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, in which the Roman Emperor is betrayed and murdered by Brutus after being warned to "beware the Ides Of March," which is March 15th. This song immediately reminded me of the time that asshole senior Zack threatened he's kick my ass if I didn't return his copy of Slayer's Reign In Blood before Christmas break, and my so-called "friend" Marty totally sold me out and told him that it was in my locker the whole time. This betrayal led to my tragic, Caesar-esque fall from grace. More specifically, this involved Zack wailing on me and duct-taping my buttcheeks together in the locker room after gym class. Et tu, Marte?

Read the whole thing!

BTW, the descriptions of the songs are 100% true! The lyrics really are about historical events.

Ron Jeremy and 9/11

For those of you being redirected here, check out the original story that started the madness:

Ron Jeremy Confesses to Masterminding Sept. 11th Attacks with KSM

Porn-star Ron Jeremy has confessed to masterminding the attacks of September 11, 2001 along with his long-lost brother Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. "We did it," Ron Jeremy wrote in his confession, calling the mysterious collapse of the towers "the money shot."  Read more...

The future of health care depends on the pr0n industry

Check out the above video. It's just about the coolest thing I have ever seen. My initial thought was "this has got to be fake" but Zcorp is a real corporation and the process seems plausible, especially the way that simple models take several hours to "print" out.

I didn't know such things were possible, but it looks like somebody found a way. I guess they took inkjet and laserjet technology and added a 3rd dimension to it (thus, the "Z", as in the Z-axis), using some sort of plaster-like material to form the objects. I just think it's so amazing that they got this crazy-ass idea to work. I bet it doesn't come cheap, though.

What's more, scientists are using similar technology to try and "print" organs (like, as in human organs) at the cellular level. Imagine a world where waiting for a liver transplant doesn't involve waiting for a donor but waiting for the printer to finish. Of course, the error messages will get that much more annoying: "Out of BioInk. Please insert fresh flesh cartridge. Or you will die."

I can only imagine that something this powerful would be insanely expensive. If this technology is going to come down to the masses we're going to have to get the word out to the people who matter, the people who can really make a difference. Yes, that's right: Pornographers. Once the porn industry gets ahold of this and starts making life-sized models in a big-ass printer the world will never quite the same.

Of course, you can already predict which organs will be the first to reach the mainstream. Just be careful what you ask for when you go to the printer.

pickup lines that will get me punched

are you looking for cock ...
'cause i'm overstocked!!

B'doomph! Yup, I just had a "great pickup line" moment just then. i wanted to share it with y'all, 'cause I am so giving. :-p

Really using it would entail getting punched in the face, but it's fun to think about.

Sweet Jesus McGillicuddy!

Oh Velicirapture!

In his boundless love he can even cradle and soothe a young velociraptor. This photographic proof disproves evolution.... but if Jesus loves velociraptors so much why did he smite them with a mighty asteroid? Maybe they're all sitting on his lap in Heaven.

Ten Ways Dick Cheney Can Kill You

Just a friendly reminder.

... I'd actually be more worried about #11 -- invades your country and lets his private mercenary armies rape, pillage and kill indiscriminately.

Big-penised 60-ton sperm whale explodes in downtown Tainan

Seriously.

This is not some sick joke.

It actually fucking happened. (don't look if you don't want to see exploded whale entrails)

Residents of Tainan learned a lesson in whale biology after the decomposing remains of a 60-ton sperm whale exploded on a busy street, showering nearby cars and shops with blood and organs and stopping traffic for hours.

The 56-foot-long whale had been on a truck headed for a necropsy by researchers, when gases from internal decay caused its entrails to explode in the southern city of Tainan.

Holy fucking shitty exploding whale, Batman! That's pretty fucked up. Even weirder is the Tainan-folk's strange obsession with the whale's enormous cock. I guess, I shouldn't call it a cock, because a whale's penis is actually called "dork", or so decades of pop culture has told me. So, the whale had an abnormally large dork.

Once moved to a nearby nature preserve, the male specimen -- the largest whale ever recorded in Taiwan -- drew the attention of locals because of its large penis, measured at some five feet, the Taipei Times reported.

Holy five-foot dorks, Batman! This whale had everything. Oh, how horrible it must be for him to be dead at the top of his game. I bet he didn't think his career was going to explode -- literally! He missed his chance at an amazing career as a porn star. Willy Wiggler, they'd call him. He coulda been somebody.

Or maybe he already was somebody. Maybe he had a series of underground tapes, the hottest shit around. His five-foot schlong had earned him wealth and fame and everything he ever wanted, like chum.

But it also brought him something he didn't need -- temptation. Booze, drugs, illicit sex, sperm-shooting -- the works. He finally decided to end it all just as mainstream success was breaking. Oh cruel fate, how you've robbed us all. Robbed us of Willy Wiggler, super-sperm whale of the sea. Whale on, Willy.

Whale on.

Ron Jeremy Confesses to Masterminding Sept. 11th Attacks with KSM

This is an Electric Monkey Pants Intergalactic News Network special report!

Porn-star Ron Jeremy has confessed to masterminding the attacks of September 11, 2001 along with his long-lost brother Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. "We did it," Ron Jeremy wrote in his confession, calling the mysterious collapse of the towers "the money shot."

Also confessing was Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (or "KSM" as he is known to lazy Americans). KSM had long eluded capture by the Americans by disguising himself as a grizzly bear. Later it was revealed that it wasn't a disguise; he is just really, really hairy. He twice escaped captivity by pretending to be a dog with rabies, but was recaptured while picking nits and lice out of his fur.

Calling themselves the Hairy Brothers of Destruction, Mr. Jeremy and KSM confessed to a long list of crimes against humanity.

Authorities also seized a hard drive containing details of several assassination plots (including attempts to kill the Pope, Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter's gardener), and hundreds of gigs of midget porn, bestiality porn, and pictures of Ron Jeremy rubbing KSM with sandpaper in what appears to be an attempt at hair removal.

The deranged duo admitted to being tortured by federal agents, and hinted at Abu Ghraib-style torture involving being stacked in a pile of naked men and being led around on a leash. They also indicated that they kind of liked it.

While enjoying a breakfast of bacon and eggs the confessed masterminds of 9/11 assured their interrogators that they were devout Muslims and that their confession was not coerced: "Karl Rove didn't call me and ask for a confession in exchange for 30 Brazilian hookers. Nothing like that happened, at all" Mr. Jeremy assured his captors, who then fed the revelations to several unquestioning, servile reporters, including this one.

KSM supplied a type-written note that listed all of the crimes the duo is responsible for masterminding. The list includes:

• the bombing of U.S. Cole
• the decapitation of Daniel Pearl
• the planting of explosives that brought down WTC 7
• farting in the interrogation room -- twice
• the bombing of a nightclub in Bali, Indonesia
• jump-starting Paris Hilton's career
• the Democrats' strong showing in the November elections
• happy-slapping
• Abu-Ghraib (specifically: getting the Americans caught)
• Hurricane Katrina
• eye-boogers
• killing Anna Nicole Smith
  
• causing President Bush to appear stupid and clueless on TV
• the Hindenburg disaster
• pimples
• the estate tax
• the illusion of global warming (to scare hippies)
• the Oklahoma City bombing
• Watergate
• killing Jesus Christ (and Old Yeller)

Ron Jeremy supplied an identical list, but he crossed out "Paris Hilton" and wrote "virneeral dizees", then crossed that out and wrote "VD."

The above information was provided to reporters on the condition that we not mention Alberto Gonzales, the word "impeachment" or the many inconsistencies in the official 9/11 story for 3 weeks. Naturally, we agreed because we just repeat whatever they say anyway.

[ed.: wait... were we supposed to repeat that last part?... i'd better call karl. hold till then]

This has been an Electric Monkey Pants Intergalactic News Network special report!

Israeli ambassador found naked in the street wearing BDSM gear

This is one of those stories that can't be made unfunny. I know I said I was boycotting the BBC (I found this via Reddit), but their write-up is too funny to pass up.

Israel has recalled its ambassador to El Salvador after he was found drunk and naked apart from bondage gear.

Reports say he was able to identify himself to police only after a rubber ball had been removed from his mouth.

Gagged, bound, disoriented and nearly-naked? Sounds like he was negotiating with the Bush administration!

Authorities said they were unable to find the donkey.

A foreign ministry official described Ambassador Tzuriel Refael's behaviour as an unprecedented embarrassment.

The incident, which happened two weeks ago, has renewed calls for a radical overhaul of the way Israel appoints and promotes its diplomats.

Indeed, Israel has changed the process for initiating new ambassadors. No longer will they be gagged with a rubber ball and forced to dress up like the gimp. Nope! No more drunken orgies or visits to the dominatrix for spanking and discipline. Part of Israel's culture is fading they conform to international norms. The hazing process will now involve papercuts and titty-twisters like most other countries.

Mental note: watch out for those El Salvadoran dominatrices. They really go the extra mile.

FuglyBack

Just got back from Toronto and on the way back, in the airport I saw a little 8 year old girl on the pudgy side with those multicolor cornrows that all the girls get when they go to somewhere tropical for spring break... and I thought: "She's bringing fugly back."

Yeah, it's pretty awful, I know. But it was one of those thought-portmanteaus or something... You know, when two thoughts get mushed together. I took some, like.. "thought dough" and kind of merged it before I realized how totally cruel that shit is. But it's still funny, yo!

I'm sure you all hate me know, but I'm bringing brutal honesty back, like Randal tried to bring back "porch monkey" in clerks II. Oh yeah, and it's a reference to Justin Timberlake and his SexyBack thing-song. I'm wasn't aware sexy left, but it's a smart move on JT's part. Bringing back something that never left is very easy. However, convincing people that you brought it back is the key to deluding the helpless public.

You may thing you'll get away with this, Justin -- but I'm on to you!! And your little SneakyBack shit, too. Fucker.

Anyway, I'm tired and my feet hurt. Bad. That concludes this post... Stay fugly, Toronto.

I Hate Valentine's Day (a violent plan for retribution)

Did I mention I fucking hate Valentine's Day? It fucking sucks. I didn't set out to be a wet blanket for those of you who enjoy this crappy Hallmark Holiday (e.g. those of you with significant others), but I don't give a flying fuck, and you're too wrapped into each other to notice anyway.

It always starts the same. You meet a girl/guy, who's like "oh I hate Valentine's Day. It's totally lame and wasteful." Next thing you know you're spending hundreds of dollars on your VD gifts to each other. Each of you feels a need to both give and receive gifts because everyone else is doing it. You don't want your partner to feel unloved and left out do you? Corporate America has made it quite clear that you are a bad person if you don't spend half your paycheck on flowers, chocolates, romantic dinners, and more.

No matter how anti-VD you start out, once you've been in a relationship awhile you start to break down. You feel neglectful if you don't get your sweetie something on February 14th (because lord knows there's something soooo different about February 14th. All those other days are for neglecting your lover). Even if you hate the holiday as I do you find yourself cheating a little with flowers or maybe a little something extra.

Because of all the pressure on couples it becomes exceedingly obvious who has a significant other (SO) and who does not. Thus, the real purpose of VD is revealed: Shaming those who don't have SOs. It's pretty obvious who is who. The person without an SO is writing angry, anti-Valentine's Day screeds on his blog while those in a relationship are dipping into their kids' college funds to pay for increasingly elaborate and expensive gifts (gotta top last year!) in order to convince both your SO and yourself that you still love her/him.

Normally, I don't encourage people to burn down flower shops (make sure your firebombs are wrapped in pink packaging), hunt down and eviscerate candy-company executives (despite their hard exterior they're gooey on the inside), or use VD cards to give Hallmark employees a million little papercuts (bind them with caramel so they can't move), but because Feb. 14th is apparently so different (it's the day you actually love loved ones!!!!!11!1), I'm going to make an exception.

I'm working on some candy-themed weaponry for next year, including a railgun that shoots Smarties and a rose-thorn chainsaw that is more fantastically bloody and painful than effective at sawing through limbs. The R&D budget is quite high because of all the money I've saved from not having a girlfriend. This means the Napalm-based chocolate hearts are right on schedule (Agent Orange version coming soon). I'm still working on the engagement rings made out of depleted uranium, but the VX-based chocolates are deliciously deadly. I suggest getting the sampler pack.

You can't say I don't get into the spirit of the holiday. Besides, as Nazareth taught us, Love Hurts. Of course, in this case it also causes 3rd degree burns, internal hemorrhaging, vaporized limbs, blindness, cancer, liquified flesh, post-traumatic stress disorder and some zombie-ism.

But it comes with free gift wrapping!

Hatebeak's God of Empty Nest - Death Metal with an Avian Twist

In my years upon this planet I have discovered that there are two basic types of people in this world: Those who talk about starting a hardcore death metal band with a parrot for a lead singer, and those who actually do it. Hatebeak, my friends, is the latter.

No, I'm not kidding. After you've heard their music you'll know what awaits you in the bowls of helllllll!!!!! They sound like Cock & Ball Torture, but the unholy screeches are like the howls of demon.... uh parrots. Seriously, give it a listen. Download a copy. Play it at your prom. Let your grandma jump in the pit. Fuck yeaaah.

Personally, I think we should give Hatebeak the keys to the kingdom. Who else has given so much to humanity? There should be parades, fireworks, medals of honor, world acclaim and they should get their choice of our finest virgins.

Fuck your Britney Spears records. Her time is over. It's time for... HATEBEAK!!!

Happy Friday from the Star Wars Kid

This is the best parody of the Star Wars Kid I've ever seen. Enjoy:

Idiocracy is Brilliant

I just saw Mike Judge's new movie, Idiocracy, and it's such a brilliant satire that I can see why Fox tried to bury it.

It's a potent look at our present, despite the fact that the movie is set in 2505. Intelligence declined precipitously over 5 centuries, leaving the people of 2505 incredibly stupid. Luke Wilson's character, Joe, is frozen cryogenically for 500 years and when he (implausibly) wakes up to discover this horrific fact he is arrested for not having a barcode like everyone else in the future. Though arrested, he simply talks his way out of jail and runs off to try and find a time machine to take him back.

Although Joe is the smartest man alive in the 2505 he certainly isn't very smart by 2007 standards. It is with this dark idea that Judge weaves his vicious comedy. If this idiot can solve the world's problems, why can't the rest of us?

The idiots of the future think Joe's intelligent points are actually the pompous ravings of a "fag". During Joe's speech to the nation at the end he says, "... And there was a time, a long time ago, when reading wasn't 'just for fags'." When was that, exactly? I'm afraid the idiocy Mike Judge is skewering is our own.

Idiocracy is very good, but Fox decided to release the movie the same way most of us release a monster piece of shit; quietly and discretely. (I hope that's how you take a dump anyway. It could be loud and with a huge PR campaign, but I'll be discrete and refrain from asking) The movie was quickly flushed away and won more praise from reviewers than it did from Fox's publicists. Surely, the world is upside-down and the idiots are in charge. There can be no doubt at the end of the movie that the decision to bury the movie was a political act. The movie's depiction of corporate and political life hits too close to home. And the best part is: it's funny! You might even learn something.

Jeepers, Ireland! Lay off the coke!

The BBC is reporting that 100% of Irish Euros were found to have traces of cocaine on them by a recent study.

Researchers used the latest forensic techniques that would detect even the tiniest fragments to study a batch of 45 used banknotes.

The scientists at Dublin's City University said they were "surprised by their findings".

Some of the notes had such high levels of cocaine on them that it is thought they were used to snort the drug.

Others had much lower traces and may have been cross-contaminated, perhaps in the wallets or pockets of users.

Man, Ireland. Maybe it's time to slow down, okay? I think you've had enough.

Since they studied with only 45 notes it's quite possible that a percentage closer to 95% would result from a more randomized study including thousands of bills. Presumably a bank note fresh from the bank would be free of cocaine traces. ... Presumably.

The study also found that higher value banknotes, such as 20 and 50 euros, were more likely to contain greater traces of the drug.

Hmm... so that means that rich people handle a lot of coke. (Presumably) Perhaps the rising cocaine usage rates in Ireland are the result of a burgeoning business class. They like to party you know, after a big sale or meeting or whatever. Lotsa 50s flyin' around to pay for drinks and to stuff in a stripper's outfit, I'm sure. But I'm sure this will be mostly blamed on the poor and destitute, some of whom may use coke or speed to stay awake so they can work two 8 hour shifts. I'm sure the cops will continue to hassle the lower class while the upper class gets away with everything. That's the way it's always been.

So put down the coke, Ireland. Chill. ... Smoke a doobie if you need to calm down.

Neo-cons hang Saddam in retaliation for assassination of Gerald Ford

This just in from the Electric Monkey Pants Intergalactic News Network (EMPINN):

Washington insiders say that today's execution of former Iraqi dictactor Saddam Hussein was moved forward by neo-conservatives eager to punish the traitorous hippies for the alleged assassination of former President Gerald Ford.

Our sources indicate that the neocons, led by Dick Cheney, believe that a covert hippy assassination squad was responsible for the untimely death of Cheney's old boss, Gerald Ford. The prevailing theory is that a Greenpeace-trained eco-terrorist squad was responsible for the hit, citing Ford's love of meat as the main beef.

EMPINN correspondants report that most people on "the street" believe that a poisoned carton of applesauce was smuggled into the Ford residence and deployed remotely, via "secret hippy-powers."

A call to Hippy Headquarters in San Francisco reached the "main dude" of the Hippy Network who responded to the allegations forcefully, stating, "What?! Uh... man, that's fucked up. No way, dude; these people are on acid. Fuck them, dude."

Now insiders are indicating that the hanging of Saddam Hussein was, in part, a retaliation for the hippy hit on Ford. An anonymously dressed source maintains "it was payback for the Ford hit. Since, you know, hippies are in league with Saddam the Cheneyites figured that killing Saddam would sap them of their powers."

The vice president's office refused to comment, saying, "Dick doesn't have time to respond to every little rumor that his office leaks out. Besides, he's in a meeting with the Prince of Darkness and can't be interrupted."

This has been an Electric Monkey Pants Intergalactic News Network special report.

US-Mexican Border Fence Building Firm Busted for Hiring Illegal Workers

The Golden State Fence Company, which built part of the border fence that is used to keep illegal immigrants out of the US, has been fined almost $5 million for hiring illegal workers. Two executives may face jail time.

Could this be any more ironic?

read more | digg story

Rumsfeld Resigns!! Applies for position of 'Skeletor'

This is something of a shocker. I thought they were gonna keep Rummy until the bitter end. But after the Democrats took the House and now -- possibly -- the Senate, Rummy and friends probably realized that he was going to be eaten alive before committees of all kinds. He'll probably still have to testify, but cutting him loose was a smart move. The ready-made replacement, Robert Gates, is an old CIA hand who was investigated during the Iran/Contra scandal. Not exactly inspiring. We can expect more of the same from Gates.

Bush Unveils New "I Won't Stop Hitting Myself in the Face" Stategy

The stragety is said to include a hammer and a bag full of tacks.

The Bush White House insists his tactic of hitting himself in the face is stopping terrorism. Others, while inclined to agree that it is somewhat distracting, are unsure how it prevents terrorism since Bush sacrifices the life of one American soldier and 100 Iraqis for each tack he painstaking nails into his head.

Bush is said to believe that the mere act of suggesting that he stop nailing tacks into his head is morally treasonous to him, and that those who suggest it are "soft on terror."

Democrats were generally in agreement and bragged about how much of a better job they could do. It was not immediately clear whether the Democrats would be nailing tacks into their own heads or whether they would continue to nail tacks into Bush's head. The Democrats Leadership Coucil has convened a "focus group" to study their options.

For their part, many prominent Republicans have suggested that we need to stay the course, or that we need to nail even more tacks into our heads. They have resisted calls by some Democrats to start using thick nails, but some Republicans, like John McCain of Arizona, believe we should increase the pool of people standing ready to be killed by George Bush each week.

Meanwhile, the November elections approach rapidly and the American people are left to choose the path that seems most prudent. Most voters agree that we should not "pull out" immediately and instead favor a phased reduction of the face-hitting strategy despite the government's assurances that the need for additional tacks is dimishining and will only last a few more years, or... ya know, maybe a halfa decade or so..... or you know, possibly a decade or two -- three tops.

Mel Gibson's Drunk Driving Simulator -- This game is pretty fun!

//[[Yanked!!]]\

Sorry, I didn't realize the sound on this game was so annoying until I got home and started wondering what the hell that noise coming out of my computer was.

Anyway, it's still a good game, just turn the sound off after your first time through. Here's a link directly to the game.

Weird Al Yankovic -- White and Nerdy

Hilarious music video for Weird Al Yankovic's new cut: White and Nerdy.

Awesome Flash flick: Animator vs Animation

This guy has been using Flash way too long:


Animator vs. Animation by *alanbecker on deviantART

More funny videos of cats doing stupid crap

This is what the internet is for, right? That cat that chased the bear has some huge balls. Kitty thinks he's a puma!

Holy fuck, it's hotter than Jessica Alba today

Damn! Smokin' hot!

Er, the weather that is. It's 97 degrees here in Minnesota. It's supposed to hit 101 tomorrow and 103 on Monday. There's a dude outside fryin' up a pan of bacon on my car's hood.

Anyway, I just slept 13 hours and I don't feel like doing much... except Jessica Alba!

California's sending us all their heat when what we really wish they'd send us is Jessica Alba!

Cats: cute and deadly

I found this video yesterday. It's a bunch of clips of cats doing funny, cute and stupid shit. A lot of it seems to revolve around attacking children (but not very ferociously) and getting stuck in unusual situations. Pretty funny stuff!



Ah, I love cats. So cute. Hope you enjoy!

Positive story about Psilocybin produces profound confusion by being fair and factual

Is today April Fools or something? I just read, on the AP wire, a completely positive story about 'shrooms (psilocybin) that didn't have any "drugs are bad! Just say no! Boo!!" bullshit. Okay, there was one line in there about not doing it, but the rest of the story was extremely reasonable, fair and accurate. What the hell is going on here? Did drug paranoia suddenly wear off when I wasn't looking? This is amazing. Check out the article for an informative look at the drug psilocybin, which is found in so-called "magic mushrooms":

Psilocybin's effects lasted for up to six hours, Griffiths said. Twenty-two of the 36 volunteers reported having a "complete" mystical experience, compared to four of those getting methylphenidate.

That experience included such things as a sense of pure awareness and a merging with ultimate reality, a transcendence of time and space, a feeling of sacredness or awe, and deeply felt positive mood like joy, peace and love. People say "they can't possibly put it into words," Griffiths said.

Two months later, 24 of the participants filled out a questionnaire. Two-thirds called their reaction to psilocybin one of the five top most meaningful experiences of their lives. On another measure, one-third called it the most spiritually significant experience of their lives, with another 40% ranking it in the top five.

About 80% said that because of the psilocybin experience, they still had a sense of well-being or life satisfaction that was raised either "moderately" or "very much."

Read the whole article for more.

I... I'm in shock. The mainstream media has produced an article that touts the spiritual awareness gained from ingesting a controlled substance?!

Seriously?!! Am I high?! Is this a prank? I'm flabbergasted! Where's the customary scare-tactics, fear-mongering, lies, distortions, half-truths, Republican-rhetoric, hate and demagoguery that I'm so used to? My whole worldview is shattered. Must've been a mistake over at the AP. The editor must be new. He didn't get the memo: You're only supposed to mock or lie about drugs in the mainstream media. If there's a positive scientific finding you're supposed to ignore it, not write up a glowing story on it! Jeez, somebody give this guy a copy of The Complete Works of Nancy Reagan.

I think I need to go lay down.

Scientology is so unbelievably full of shit

Sorry Tom Cruise, but Scientology is just a stupid little cult with an amazingly bizarre creation myth. Check out the linked article for a hilarious Flash animation showing you the real creation myth of Scientology.

You will learn to fear Xenu, you puny thetan!

Isn't it amazing how the creation myth for a religion started by a science fiction author, L. Ron Hubbard, so closely resembles the plotline of a shitty science fiction novel? What an amazing coincidence!

It's a little known fact that Dianetics was actually found crammed up L. Ron Hubbard's ass, all in one piece; it just took 12 years to pry that fucker out.

Until next time, remember to fear the return of Xenu. He can scare the livin' thetans right outa ya! And if John Travolta ever asks if you want to be audited.... RUN!!

New Pope

So they got a new pope. I think that's a good idea, because the old one was starting to smell.

Hey-oh!

Thanks, folks. I'll be here all week. Try the veal!

So, they got some German, dude, eh? Sounds like a bit of a hardliner. People are already wondering why they picked Cardinal Ratzinger, but the word on the street is that Michael Jackson was busy.

Sorry, y'all, but this shit is funny. Nothing like a bunch of old fogies choosing who is going to be their lead old guy. They picked a spry young dude of 78. His views are best described as "medieval." He was previously in charge of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (wow, catchy name) -- which was previously known as .... The Inquisition! yay! They didn't give up on the Inquisition; they just changed the name last century -- isn't that great?! Yeah. Kill people who disagree! That's the spirit! That's what God wants, right? Isn't that what it says in the Bible, "Thou Shalt Kill All Who Disobey!" -- right?

Anyway, I want to congratulate the Catholic Church for managing to stay even more firmly rooted in the 12th century. Truly impressive.

Oh man, this blog has had less activity than Terri Schiavo's frontal lobe!

Oh, sorry. That was cold. But is anybody else here sick to death of the whole Schiavo bruhaha? Talk about over exposed.

A kid here in Minnesota shoots up his school, killing 10, and the media hardly blinks. Dear Leader didn't mention that for days, but he flew back from his perma-vacation in Crawford to sign a bill pissing on federalism in order to score some political points from Terri's parents' suffering. Good job, Georgie! We now know that you're a complete tool! Oh wait, we already knew that. Well, still, it's good to know that a vegetative white woman rates above 10 dead Native Americans in his book.

Let's face facts: Terri Schiavo has been dead for 15 years, her body just hasn't gotten the memo. I think her quality of life has diminished severely, unless her old hobbies included drooling and bed sores. I guess it's possible that the fiendish doctors have been lying and she's actually dancing the Watusi every night, but I just don't see what they'd have to gain. You'd think they'd want to keep her alive as long as possible. Talk about the ideal patient - she hasn't complained about anything yet!

You'd think there would be a better way to let her go to "the clearing at the end of the path" than starvation, though. I think a lethal injection would be more humane, but then again she's a fucking vegetable and wouldn't know the difference if we decided to kill her with a spoon. I guess the starvation thing gives her one more chance to prove she's conscious. If they find her over by the vending machine, trying to get some Fritos, then we'll know we shouldn't've pulled the plug.

Make no mistake - her husband, Michael, sounds like an asshole. Not exactly Prince Charming, but he's probably right about her not wanting to "live" like this. And her parents seem really desperate and sad. They've had 15 years to come to grips with this and they still haven't accepted it. Come on, people. Doctors aren't perfect and they're often wrong, but if she was gonna recover, she should've done so by now. Just think - if she woke up, she'd think it was 1992 or something. She died a beautiful woman and now she's an old shell of herself. If she woke up she'd probably try to kill herself! Wouldn't that be ironic.

It seems strange to me that the Republicans can't seem to realize that she's been dead for 15 years. I guess they looked at her vacant stare and her rigid posture and assumed that she was one of them. Much of the Republican party seems to be the walking dead. They're so much like zombies it's frightening. They don't think - they just react - to perceived threats, which is basically anything and everything. They're so afraid of everything. How come all these old & religious people are so afraid of dying? You'd think people like the Pope would be in a hurry to go and be with God, But you'd be wrong....they know that they've spit on God throughout their lives. They know that they haven't really loved all of God's children (which includes me and other people who dare to thumb their noses at the Republican agenda). They know that they've exploited God to make themselves more powerful.

Not that the Democrats are any better. They've resorted to their old ways with this Schiavo case. They see that the Republicans are keyed up about something and they immediately make themselves scarce. They voted for the Schiavo bill, just like they voted for the Iraq War. They didn't agree with it. but they're so fucking scared of the political consequences that they ran away and licked their pussies. Not exactly inspiring; I'm glad I'm not a Democrat or I'd run away too - out of shame.

The Democrats are so pathetic and weak that they remind me of Ross Perot's old runningmate, Admiral Stockdale. Remember that dude? He was so confused and befuddled that you had to wonder if he'd just recently awoken from a coma. The Democrats are now stealing all his best lines: "Where am I? What am I doing here? Where are my pants?"

The Republicans stole the Democrats' pants long ago and the Democrats are too weak to ask for them back. The de-pantsing of the Democrats would be funnier if they weren't our sole opposition party. If the Democrats die because of their weakness?.... Oh well. Out with the old and in with the new. That's the way of life. It ends....and springs up somewhere else. Don't worry about Terri - her soul is indestructable. I'd be more worried about the neocons running lose in American government. More on that next time.

Laura Bush admits she's actually the Joker from Batman

I for one, am glad that somebody else has finally noticed the disturbing similarity between Laura Bush (Dear Leader's wife) and The Joker, from the Batman. Now, this is something I noticed 4 or 5 years ago, but you can find a Sutton Impact comic covering the matter here. His take on the MO is the same as mine. I think she's about three times smarter than her husband and is vaguely aware of his lies, distortions and general malfeasance.

So, who wants to see Laura Bush and Jack Nicholson in the new Batman movie? The studio could save a fortune on make-up. I bet she can really cackle, too.

That's Laura on the right.

Wouldn't these two make a great team? Again, I'm pretty sure that's Laura on the right side. Batman 5: Two Many Jokers! Muahahahahahahaaaaaa!!!!

Censorship and the Wonders of Timitarianism

I'm sure you are all just dying to know what I think about the Janet Jackson's boob-brouhaha. Well, maybe you aren't but I'm going to give you my opinion anyway. Firstly, I didn't see it live. I was watching the game at the bar, but I didn't really pay attention to the commercials or the halftime show, except to notice that Puffy (or P-Diddy or whatever the fuck his stupid name is) brought new levels of suckiness to a suck-filled event. God, that was a bunch of crap. I think the FCC should hold an inquiry into who let P-Diddily on stage. Nobody should have to sit through that. It was probably 90 seconds but it felt like being in purgatory for eons. I had to stare at my beer and pretend I was watching George F. Will adjusting his bowtie while talking about fiscal responsibility - that would've been more entertaining! Boo-yah! Man, political humor mixed with pop culture references?! No wonder dozens of people mistakenly visit this weblog every month!

Anyway, as implied above, I thought P-Diddily-dumb was much more atrocious than Janet Jackson's boobie. I have long wondered just where exactly America gets its priorities. Apparently it's fine for prime time TV to have grisly murders and autopsies and all the crap you see on the news and on the crime-dramas, but nudity is completely unacceptable. I found it disturbing that everyone disavowed the whole stunt as if it was the worst thing ever. It's not just the FCC; movies are the same way. The Star Wars movies, long regarded as children's movies, are full of decapitations, dismemberments, death, and even torture. And they are all rated PG. Of course, if Princess Leia had whipped out a tit and yelled, "Hey Han, get a load of this!" the movie would've been rated R. Why is this? Well, it probably has something to do the fact that the MPAA is composed of a bunch of self-hating religious nutballs. No doubt the effects of the Production Code are still being felt on the industry. Religious folk have serious issues with nudity, but with their long history of slaughtering each other they could hardly object to violent imagery, I guess.

In keeping with our ridiculous tradition of hardcore puritanism, the nation objected to a person showing her God-given body parts on TV. Apparently, God gave us these parts so we could feel ashamed of them. This is because God hates us, his chosen people. God also gave us free will so that he could also give us a big list of things not to do. Um, yeah. I try to respect people and their beliefs, but really, most religious beliefs are just stupid. Can't we just say at, "Do unto others..." and leave it at that? Do we really need elaborate dress codes (like the Mormons and their special underwear) and all these goofy rules that don't do anything but make religious people look really dumb to the rest of us? And don't get me wrong, I think God is totally rad (and really in need of money if the televangelists are to be believed), and each person should connect with Him/Her in their own way, but religious people tend to be a conformist lot. Even if they join some crazy-ass cult and walk around with a freshly-disembowled cat corpse on their head at all times (in keeping with the Word of the Prophet Mucho-Stupido, may he rest in peace), they sure as hell don't do this alone! There's always a support network of fellow morons, with whom they can share their struggles and their faith that God wants them to act like an idiot. Oh, and they're ever-so-sure that God smiles upon them, and that everyone else is misguided! This is the kicker - these people think they have somehow managed to figure out God's Divine Will when they can't even figure out that they're being swindled by a charismatic conman. The cult-leaders, of course, don't believe in this shit one bit. They just believe God is helping them con innocent morons out of their money and their self-respect.

Oh man, I could go on and on about the follies of religion for hours. But why bother? Nobody listens to anyone else anyway. We've all got our own ideas about spirituality, and some people are just fucking retarded about it and there's nothing I can do. Hmmm... well I guess I could rally the troops and slaughter the unbelievers, but I think that's been done... far too often.

Or maybe I could start my own religion, more as a joke than anything since I despise organized religion. Mine will be disorganized. Actually, I have thought about this a bit, and I've decided to call it Timitarianism. The first rule of Timitarianism is that you do not talk about Timitarianism. The second rule of Timitarianism is that you sure as hell do not mention Timianity. What is Timianity, you ask? Well, Timianity is not to be mentioned!!! So ha! Actually, Timianity is a rival sect of Timitarianism. They didn't agree with us on the subject of Tim's divinity so we had to slaughter them. And their pets. And their plants and various shrubberies. Plus, we defaced their furniture and pissed in their wells, but that was after we had killed them, so it was really more of a "fuck you!" thing. Anyway, Timitarianism is a religion based around Tim (that's me) and consisting of only one member: Tim (that's me). I've decided that the big problem with religion isn't the founders, like Jesus & Buddha, who were basically good guys. It's the followers who are a bunch of numb-nut dumb-fucks. As such, Timitarianism will die with me.

What is the point of a religion that doesn't have any followers you ask? Well, you're a moron, and you haven't been paying attention. First of all, it does have a follower: me. But since I'm also the Founder, I do a lot more foundering (er, I mean, "leading") than following. Second, it's not really a religion, it's more of a declaration of faith in myself and a method for seeking the Truth. God, of course, is not a Timitarian because he knows the Truth. Once we know the Truth we will no longer need religion (and some of us don't need it anyway - but I contend that everybody needs spirituality). So really, Timitarianism is more of a belief system, a way to interpret and understand the world, than a religion. Everybody needs some basic beliefs to base their life upon. I'm talking about really basic shit, like believing that the world is real and that the sky is up and that gravity keeps you down (and The Man!). We all build upon the basics, and everything is colored by our impressions and our unique perspective. The advantage (and disadvantage) of Timitarianism is that I am ultimately responsible. I can't blame my beliefs on anyone else (i.e. "...but Prophet Mojo-Jimbo told me that Jesus would come back in the form of a large porcupine named Brenda, whom I must immediately eat in order to be Saved!"). I don't know everything, but I know this probably confusing to many of my non-existant readers. Like the previous statement. But don't blame me; religion pretty much invented the tactic of cognitive dissonance. I'm just following their lead! :-)

All joking aside, I think everybody should have their own belief system. Oh wait, you already do. In fact, one of the biggest fallacies of religion is the idea that the followers might actually agree with each other on the majority of theological topics. Tell that to the pro-choice Catholics out there. So if they don't even agree on the basic tenants of their religion, you have to wonder why they are a part of it. Maybe because the world is lonely and religion offers oneness with your fellow followers. But there has got to be a better way. What kind of community attacks its own members for not following arbitrary and stupid rules? Don't even get me started on gay marriage. These religious nuts are the most hate-filled people on earth. You're going to tell me about God when you haven't even learned his most important lessons? As soon as Christians & other religious folk start practicing forgiveness and tolerance I might retract some of these statements. I think it's more likely that they will grow wings out their asses and set up a nudist resort on the moon. Until then, don't follow anyone. Be kind, and make your own path. You can't be a Timitarian, but if you start your own internal faith you can be cool like me. Of course, you'd also be a conformist. Oh well.