How to explain away UFOs. [Hint: Don't change your story 2 weeks later]

You might've heard that a huge, mile-long UFO was spotted in Texas last week.

Several dozen people — including a pilot, county constable and business owners — insist they have seen a large silent object with bright lights flying low and fast. Some reported seeing fighter jets chasing it.

Well, that sounds like a weather balloon. Federal officials are sure it was in fact a weather balloon.

While federal officials insist there's a logical explanation, locals swear that it was larger, quieter, faster and lower to the ground than an airplane.

I'm sure there's a logical explanation too. Clearly weather balloons have learned how to accelerate and maintain high speeds. It's the only logical explanation.

Officials at the region's two Air Force bases — Dyess in Abilene and Sheppard in Wichita Falls — also said none of their aircraft were in the area last week. The Air Force no longer investigates UFOs.

Uhh.... The Air Force hasn't actually "investigated" anything, and yet they're sure that it was an earth-based phenomenon. How can this be?

Well you see, the Air Force has a very detailed and complex methodology that they use to figure out what some yokel saw in the skies. I managed to sneak this out of an unnamed AFB undetected. This is very top secret. Click for a larger version.

Trust your government, folks. They would never lie to you.


UPDATE 1.24.08: The Air Force Reserve has completely changed their story.

I love giving free advice, so here's some for their spokesman, Maj. Karl Lewis...

A hint: If you want people to believe you're being straight with them, you can't just change your story two weeks after the event. Dumbass.

Officials at the Joint Reserve Base Naval Air Station in Fort Worth initially said none of their planes had been in the area, but on Wednesday they said 10 F-16s were there that day. The officials said they were mistaken and wanted to set the record straight "in the interest of public awareness."

They were fucking "mistaken"! Ha! They must've sent those ten F-16s up accidentally and not even noticed until they came back 2 weeks later. What a "brilliant" explanation!

I love to see the incompetence card played so poorly.

So now the Air Force looks completely retarded and deceitful. They first claimed that they didn't have any planes in the area, but now they're saying they did, but neglecting to mention what kind of plane could elicit this reaction from the natives:

Anne Frazor, who owns a fabric store in Stephenville, about 70 miles southwest of Fort Worth, said many in town have seen military aircraft zoom overhead from time to time as part of training operations. But she said that wasn't what she saw Jan. 8.

"I couldn't begin to say what it was, but to me it wasn't planes," Frazor said.

--snip--

From well-respected business owners to a county constable, several dozen people say they saw a flying object that was larger, quieter, faster and lower to the ground than an airplane. They also said its lights changed configuration, unlike those of a plane.

"I guarantee that what we saw was not a civilian aircraft," Steve Allen, a pilot and freight company owner, said Wednesday.

This guy would probably recognize an F-16 ... or ten of them. And it's not like the Air Force trains near where the sightings occurred.

The planes' training area in the Brownwood Military Operating Area includes Stephenville's Erath County, but Allen said it does not include the airspace where he saw the object. Also, Jan. 8 was not the only day sightings were reported.

And I daresay the pilot could distinguish 10 F-16s from a half mile-wide object.

So now we can say that the AF is completely full of shit.

Great. Just great. I love being lied to... Oh wait! No I don't; it fucking sucks, you dicks! Why you gotta be like that, Air Force Reserve?? huh?!! ... .. [/frontin']

I suspect the answer is that they were leaned on by more powerful forces.

It's pretty clear that there are those in power who don't want this information to get out. I really don't think people who call UFO coverup conspiracy theorists names like "kooks" are right, simply because it's so obvious the government has been lying to us. There is plenty of reason to believe the worst if somebody lies to you. Boldly. Repeatedly.

"In the interest of public awareness," the spokesman said. As if they've ever given two shits about "public awareness" before. Where's the "public awareness" right here?

The U.S. Air Force says it has not investigated UFO sightings since 1969 when it ended Project Blue Book, which examined more than 12,600 reported UFO sightings — including 700 that were never explained.

The studious way they avoid investigating isn't weird or anything. Riiiight. I totally believe you guys... [rolls eyes]

Don't you think it's odd that not investigating something is official government policy?

"It's official government policy to ignore these weird, unexplained events. Carry about your business, consu- .. uh, .. er... I mean, 'citizens.'"

Are we supposed to salute?

Fuck this. Give me the truth.

Kinky Friedman for Governor of Texas: Why the hell not?

I'm not from Texas, but I'm throwing my political weight (think: feather) behind Kinky Friedman. He's running for guv this year if ya didn't know, and he's actually picking up some decent poll numbers (around 20% last I checked) as he campaigns around Texas.

Now Kinky, who is running as an indepedent, has chosen Willie Nelson as his energy czar:

Friedman said the country singer/songwriter and benefactor of biodiesel was a natural choice to lead a state energy department or commission, which he wants to create. He also said Nelson "would never have his hand in Texas' pocket."

"My plan is to appoint the best people I can find, get out of the way and let them work ... people whose only agenda is to do the right thing for the people of Texas," Friedman told the Fort Worth Rotary Club. "... I really believe that musicians can better run this state than politicians."

A Texas biodiesel supplier partnered with Nelson to develop the BioWillie brand of the clean-burning fuel for truckers. It is made from used vegetable oils or soybeans and is blended with diesel, and does not require modification to diesel engines.

Hell yeah! Now this is a campaign I can get behind! Willie Nelson is cool. Kinky is the perfect governor for a state that's been churning out nothing but Bush cronies for decades. It's time to either elect Kinky or get yer ass kicked out of the union, Texas!

Kinky is right. Musicians would be better at running any state than politicans. Look how infested with politicians we are currently -- where has it gotten us? Now, some might say I'm biased as a musician myself, but I'm not running for anything, and I don't live in Texas. I just see Kinky as being the best man for the job.

Kinky's a funny guy, but he has real plans for the state; not just jokes:

Friedman, who unveiled his energy plan Thursday, said he plans to have 35,000 school buses running on biodiesel fuel, as well as his own vehicle. He said as it catches on, some 7 percent or 8 percent of Texans will be trying biodiesel, resulting in lower prices at gas stations because of supply and demand.

"What you're going to see is Texas finally leading the way instead of following behind all the time, being first in something besides executions, toll roads and property taxes," he said.

I think it's a great idea to start using more biodiesel. The oil-lobby has owned Texas for years -- it's time to take Texas back from this entrenched special interest groups!

Here in Minnesota we elected Jesse Ventura back in '98. He actually did a good job -- I just used the light-rail system the other day. That was a plan that had been around awhile, but nobody really pushed it through. Jesse helped make it a reality.

Of course, Jesse got attacked on all sides. All the fucking useless partisan pieces of shit made sure to write in every day about how awful Jesse was -- mostly because he wasn't kowtowing to their preferred special interest. Fuck those partisan shitbags. I HATE partisan politics. I prefer independents. The Democrats and Republicans suddenly become best buddies when facing off against an independent.

There's really only one political party: The Corporate Party. Democrats and Republicans are simply different factions within the One Party. Our only hope for true representation (i.e. candidates who aren't corporate servants) is electing independent and third party candidates. In MN, that means Peter Hutchinson. I'm not sure I'll vote for him; he's not as fun as Kinky, but at least he's not a Corporate-crat.

Kinky for president!