Happy Dragonfly is happy!

I took this photo the other day and noticed what a huge grin this little dragonfly seems to have. I'm glad she's happy; it was a beautiful day and she's the only creature in my backyard my cat didn't manage to kill or maim.

And so it shall be done...

EMP: Now with more laughs and less despair!

Hey everybody. I've added a bunch of new links to the blogroll: Crazy Web Comics!

Check out the sidebar (under the Blogroll, which is under the Archives, etc.) for 12 of the funniest comics you can find on the web -- and only on the web, since they contain "mature" content that's apparently not fit for the family newspaper.

Got any great comics that I'm missing? Let me know in the comments.

Believe it or not, this blog was intended to be a humorous, fun, weird place. I originally wanted the blog to live up to its name a little more than it does now (although there are many meanings, connotations, perspectives to be had on my bizarre little name). Yep; Electric Monkey Pants was supposed to be a barrel full of monkeys. But something got mixed up and the monkeys took over the White House and things have been getting steadily worse ever since, which is pretty depressing.

So yeah. Politics, while a big interest of mine, was not supposed to so utterly dominate the blog. It just kind of happened. I felt I had to speak out, even if it all it got me was placed on a list somewhere and the creeped out stares of friends and coworkers.

I'm hoping things get better soon so I can focus on quirky, fun shit, rather than serious, depressing shit. Will Obama deliver that sort of turnaround?

Don't make me laugh. It's gonna take a lot more than that. But I think the neocons are weaker than they seem. The cracks are starting show and the juggernaut is beginning to sputter and list to the side. When their ship of fools runs aground I will be the one laughing so hard it sounds like thunder.

Shit! George Carlin has gone and died, that fucker

George Carlin is no longer with us.

Shit, now I'm pissed off because that fucking cunt left us to fend off all those corporate cocksuckers by ourselves; George was one tough motherfucker but he finally went tits-up.

Carlin had a lot more than seven dirty words to say to us. He was the finest philopsher of our era. Sure, he was funny -- wickedly funny at times -- but he wasn't afraid to go ten minutes without a punchline 'cause he was more than a comedian. He was a Stand-up Philosopher.

Gone but not forgotten.

Need a reminder?



I dunno about you, but I almost forgot about twat. Damn!

The psychics at The Onion have done it again!

The Onion has a pretty good track record of not only reporting the news before it happens, but making it funny, too. They've been eerily prescient before, but sometimes I forget just how good these guys are!

Just last month I posted a hilarious Onion TV video that featured a supposed al-Qaeda operative arguing with a 9/11 Truther. The video works on many levels, but for me it was funny because the al-Qaeda guy is so obviously spewing Bush administration talking points and desperately trying to claim credit for something clearly beyond their capabilities. He even brings a receipt for flight lessons and brags about his connections to the White House: "Me and Bush, we go out, we hang."

The idea of al-Qaeda stepping up to defend the Bush administration's version of events on 9/11 is pretty hilarious, but come on! That's just over the top, right? It was a good chuckle and then we all moved on.

Apparently somebody thought this wasn't funny enough in fiction so al-Qaeda has made it real!

Osama bin Laden's chief deputy in an audiotape Tuesday accused Shiite Iran of trying to discredit the Sunni al-Qaida terror network by spreading the conspiracy theory that Israel was behind the Sept. 11 attacks.

Just sit back and soak that in. I didn't make up that quote, amazingly.

One enemy of the U.S./Israel accusing the other of understating the first's evil is funny enough, but this treads onto satire when al-Zawahri says blaming Israel makes Muslims look stupid!

"The purpose of this lie is clear — (to suggest) that there are no heroes among the Sunnis who can hurt America as no else did in history. Iranian media snapped up this lie and repeated it," he said.

Haha!! This is straight out of the Bush regime's racist playbook. Look at the implication: Muslims can be heroes only if they're terrorists! Only a moron or a stooge would admit such a thing about his own people. Sunni or Shi'ite, you'd think Zawahri would try to unify the sects against the Zionists, but instead he plays right into the Bush regime's hands by simultaneously defaming Muslims everywhere (as if every Muslim is just itching for a chance to blow himself up!) and sowing divisiveness amongst his people at the same time. Zawahiri is either a tactical moron or a CIA stooge.

Could he actually expect to sway Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad with this argument? Ahmadinejad may be an idiot, a tool and a loudmouth, but he is not a terrorist or a dictator. He is like Putin, a strongman that the people have turned to in order to provide a hedge against U.S. imperialism.

Ahmadinejad knows, like Putin, that the 9/11 attacks were self-inflicted in order to provide a pretext for Bush's endless wars of conquest (and embarrassment). Heck, even our allies in Japan are starting to question the events of that day. In retrospect it looks like an incredible boon to an administration that has done nothing but evil with the goodwill generated worldwide in response to the tragedy.

Many people say the Bush administration is too incompetent to pull off the attacks and subsequent coverup, but I say al-Qaeda is too incompetent to do ... much of anything! Call the Bush team what you will, but they are masters at manipulation and misdirection. They managed to steal two elections and they orchestrated an incredible propaganda campaign to trick the nation into war with Iraq. I remember watching the news back in early 2003 thinking I was living in an endless Twilight Zone episode. And what happened to the treasonous military men, the lying pundits and the architects of this atrocity? Well they're mostly still around and many of them have been promoted!

People need to realize that the Bush administration isn't incompetent when it comes to stuff like Katrina: They just don't give a fuck! ... There's a difference. They look after their own, not a bunch of poor folks who don't vote Republican anyway.

Al-Qaeda is a CIA-sponsored group whose only role is to draw attention away from the real terrorists. This is common knowledge among the elite, although some still cling to a twisted sort of incompetence theory:

Bin Laden was, though, a product of a monumental miscalculation by western security agencies. Throughout the 80s he was armed by the CIA and funded by the Saudis to wage jihad against the Russian occupation of Afghanistan. Al-Qaida, literally "the database", was originally the computer file of the thousands of mujahideen who were recruited and trained with help from the CIA to defeat the Russians. Inexplicably, and with disastrous consequences, it never appears to have occurred to Washington that once Russia was out of the way, Bin Laden's organisation would turn its attention to the west.

Oh, I think it occurred to them alright. It was the plan all along. You think the CIA can't "take care of" a few jihadis waving around U.S.-made stinger missile launchers? The CIA doesn't just let anybody play with their toys. They can find you. After all, details about members of al-Qaeda are, by definition, in "The Database."

That raises another question: Who the fuck would name their terrorist organization after a "structured collection of records or data that is stored in a computer system"?!

I have an idea. I'm going to start an organization dedicated to the Liberation of the Great State of Minnesota from the Oppressive Federal Government of the United States of America. I'm going to name this organization..... Pants!

What do you think? "Pants" ... or "Pants!"? ... I'm not sure, does the exclamation point sell it?

Anyway, my point is that it's completely fucking ridiculous. I just made my hypothetical liberation front look clueless, stupid.... and somewhat artistic, I guess. Maybe "al-Qaeda" would make a good, Dadaist band name in Arabic, but it doesn't do shit for a supposedly committed bunch of terrorists.

Let's look at other "terrorist" organizations and what kind of names they have (I'll assign grades based soley on the clarity and effectiveness of the name, not their tactics or ideology):

• The Islamic Movement of Uzbekistan - localized, religious and grassroots. These guys know how to name a group. Doesn't lock them into terrorism either. B+
• The Moroccan Islamic Combatant Group - very straightforward; we know right away they're into Islam, fighting and Morocco. However, isn't this a little open-ended? Most groups start with a specific cause... you know, like freeing their homeland or something. These guys just feel "combative", apparently. It should be no surprise they're affiliated with al-Qaeda. B-
• The Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine ( الجبهة الشعبية لتحرير فلسطين ) - very savvy name. They're playing the populism card, plus you know exactly what their goals are. A
• The Irish National Liberation Army - once again, very straightforward. You know what they want and who they represent right away. Would this front be as popular if they were named "fishsticks"? I doubt it. B
• The Covenant, The Sword, and the Arm of the Lord - even though these guys aren't clear about what they want, it's obvious they're into Jesus and swordplay. Kinda makes you wanna learn more about'em too, but not really. I'm giving it a better grade because it rhymes. C+
• The United Liberation Front of Asom - pretty clear what they're after here. I like the unity reference; makes you think they're a big tent liberation front. But like most Americans I didn't know where the hell Asom is (northeast India). A-

I have to give al-Qaeda a D- for their crappy name. I would give them an F, but the randomness of it is pretty funny... except for the whole killing and murder thing. But that's the rub; I just don't buy these guys as terrorist masterminds. They can't even fucking name themselves right, so why would I think they could pull off 9/11? Even if you say, "okay, maybe 'The Base' refers to a military base" it makes no sense because the modus operandi of these guys is supposedly their decentralization. There is no main headquarters. They're ostensibly a loose-knit group of cells that operate independently, yet aren't really controlled by Osama either, who is mostly a figurehead who provides funding (or did... he's probably dead). Let's face it: "al-Qaeda" probably only makes sense if you don't speak Arabic.

If you're still not convinced al-Qaeda is a joke, watch an incredible BBC documentary called The Power of Nightmares. You'll be glad you did.

As for me, I will continue to worry about the real terrorist organization plaguing this wretched earth: The Central Intelligence Agency. A look at their record exposes the deep hypocrisy of the United States government when it comes to terrorism:

• You blow up a bus in Whogivesafuckistan? You're a terrorist.
  
• You overthrow a legitimate government and replace it with a puppet government that proceeds to butcher 500,000 of its own people? You're a hero. Here's your medal.

Even The Onion can't make that level of hypocrisy funny.

Fake! Museum says Crystal Skull not Aztec in origin

But where did the 12 crystal skulls come from and do we need to gather them by Dec. 12th, 2012 to stop the Earth from flipping over?!! Anybody know where the 13th skull can be found?! Paging Dr. Indiana Jones…

But though no crystal skull yet found at archaeological digs has proved to be authentic, the 12 located around the world continue to arouse interest and speculation.

Apart from the Paris, London and Smithsonian skulls, nine belong to private individuals -- the skull of destiny, the Sha-Na-Ra skull, the synergy skull, the Max skull, the Maya skull, a so-called E.T. skull, the amethyst skull, the reliquary cross skull and the pink crystal skull.

Each skull was supposed to correspond to 12 worlds in which human life was present. They were brought by the Itza, the ancient people of Atlantis, to their civilisation in order to pass on their knowledge to man.

The 13th world, the land, also had its own crystal skull, and all 13 skulls were kept in a great pyramid by the Olmecs, the Mayas and ultimately the Aztecs.

The Aztecs are said to have been responsible for the dispersal and loss of the skulls, which when brought together possessed great powers, including being lined up on the last day of the Maya calendar -- December 21, 2012 -- to prevent the earth from tipping over.

Yes, this all may be a bunch of mumbo jumbo but I think it's pretty fucking cool. After all, this is the stuff great movie plots are made from.

Wouldn't it be cool to own one of these skulls? Imagine whipping it out at parties: "Yeah, this is an ancient Olmec skull that was brought to South America by the escapees from Atlantis. It needs to be gathered with the other skulls on December 21, 2012 or we're all fucked. Pretty sweet, eh? I had to kill a bunch of Nazis to get it."

Ah, true fiction. Chicks dig guys with ancient crystal skulls possessing mysterious powers... or so I've heard.

Bush Resigns!! Cheney takes over; vows to "take care of" economy personally

APRIL FOOLS!!!

Hahaha, get your hopes up, then they're smashed with Cheney's iron fist.

Man, if Cheney's shotgun diplomacy were unloaded on Wall Street maybe the rest of us wouldn't have a pot to piss in. So count your blessings. No matter how hard it gets, just remember: Somehow, it could all be worse.

The Corporate Plutocracy Speaks!

Well, they finally decided to pipe up, and it was on this dude's TV set during American Idol (go figure).

But before I could turn off the sound, the ad was interrupted by the image of a sixty-something businessmen sitting behind a giant desk in a plush corporate office.

A message ran across the bottom of the screen. It said: "A Message from the American Corporate Plutocracy."

Go read the whole thing.

Stabberella

This is my new favorite website: Conjugal Harmony

I'm coming to bust you out, BabyBoo! You too, Fisty!

Damn, I wish that site were real. On the other hand, it's probably good that it isn't.

Now that I've totally degraded myself and delved into the awful pseudo-reality of women's prisons, I might as well tell you about my new favorite title for a porno. I saw it on Cracked the other day, and it's got a bunch of hot, naked chicks in a prison setting on the cover. The title is.... ( wait for it ).... 30 Days in the Hole.

How to explain away UFOs. [Hint: Don't change your story 2 weeks later]

You might've heard that a huge, mile-long UFO was spotted in Texas last week.

Several dozen people — including a pilot, county constable and business owners — insist they have seen a large silent object with bright lights flying low and fast. Some reported seeing fighter jets chasing it.

Well, that sounds like a weather balloon. Federal officials are sure it was in fact a weather balloon.

While federal officials insist there's a logical explanation, locals swear that it was larger, quieter, faster and lower to the ground than an airplane.

I'm sure there's a logical explanation too. Clearly weather balloons have learned how to accelerate and maintain high speeds. It's the only logical explanation.

Officials at the region's two Air Force bases — Dyess in Abilene and Sheppard in Wichita Falls — also said none of their aircraft were in the area last week. The Air Force no longer investigates UFOs.

Uhh.... The Air Force hasn't actually "investigated" anything, and yet they're sure that it was an earth-based phenomenon. How can this be?

Well you see, the Air Force has a very detailed and complex methodology that they use to figure out what some yokel saw in the skies. I managed to sneak this out of an unnamed AFB undetected. This is very top secret. Click for a larger version.

Trust your government, folks. They would never lie to you.


UPDATE 1.24.08: The Air Force Reserve has completely changed their story.

I love giving free advice, so here's some for their spokesman, Maj. Karl Lewis...

A hint: If you want people to believe you're being straight with them, you can't just change your story two weeks after the event. Dumbass.

Officials at the Joint Reserve Base Naval Air Station in Fort Worth initially said none of their planes had been in the area, but on Wednesday they said 10 F-16s were there that day. The officials said they were mistaken and wanted to set the record straight "in the interest of public awareness."

They were fucking "mistaken"! Ha! They must've sent those ten F-16s up accidentally and not even noticed until they came back 2 weeks later. What a "brilliant" explanation!

I love to see the incompetence card played so poorly.

So now the Air Force looks completely retarded and deceitful. They first claimed that they didn't have any planes in the area, but now they're saying they did, but neglecting to mention what kind of plane could elicit this reaction from the natives:

Anne Frazor, who owns a fabric store in Stephenville, about 70 miles southwest of Fort Worth, said many in town have seen military aircraft zoom overhead from time to time as part of training operations. But she said that wasn't what she saw Jan. 8.

"I couldn't begin to say what it was, but to me it wasn't planes," Frazor said.

--snip--

From well-respected business owners to a county constable, several dozen people say they saw a flying object that was larger, quieter, faster and lower to the ground than an airplane. They also said its lights changed configuration, unlike those of a plane.

"I guarantee that what we saw was not a civilian aircraft," Steve Allen, a pilot and freight company owner, said Wednesday.

This guy would probably recognize an F-16 ... or ten of them. And it's not like the Air Force trains near where the sightings occurred.

The planes' training area in the Brownwood Military Operating Area includes Stephenville's Erath County, but Allen said it does not include the airspace where he saw the object. Also, Jan. 8 was not the only day sightings were reported.

And I daresay the pilot could distinguish 10 F-16s from a half mile-wide object.

So now we can say that the AF is completely full of shit.

Great. Just great. I love being lied to... Oh wait! No I don't; it fucking sucks, you dicks! Why you gotta be like that, Air Force Reserve?? huh?!! ... .. [/frontin']

I suspect the answer is that they were leaned on by more powerful forces.

It's pretty clear that there are those in power who don't want this information to get out. I really don't think people who call UFO coverup conspiracy theorists names like "kooks" are right, simply because it's so obvious the government has been lying to us. There is plenty of reason to believe the worst if somebody lies to you. Boldly. Repeatedly.

"In the interest of public awareness," the spokesman said. As if they've ever given two shits about "public awareness" before. Where's the "public awareness" right here?

The U.S. Air Force says it has not investigated UFO sightings since 1969 when it ended Project Blue Book, which examined more than 12,600 reported UFO sightings — including 700 that were never explained.

The studious way they avoid investigating isn't weird or anything. Riiiight. I totally believe you guys... [rolls eyes]

Don't you think it's odd that not investigating something is official government policy?

"It's official government policy to ignore these weird, unexplained events. Carry about your business, consu- .. uh, .. er... I mean, 'citizens.'"

Are we supposed to salute?

Fuck this. Give me the truth.

Fearsome Iranian Speedboats!!!

Did you hear?! Our poor navy was ravaged by FEARSOME IRANIAN SPEEDBOATS!!! Oh my!

The Pentagon has released its own video of Sunday's incident, showing small Iranian boats swarming around U.S. warships in the Strait of Hormuz.

In the recording, a man threatens in English, "I am coming to you. ... You will explode after ... minutes."

Sure, the tape is a fake and speedboats menace warships the same way a matchbox car menaces a Hummer, but still!! Fearsome Iranian Speedboats, man! I've asked Jeebus about this and he says we need to invade Iran right away before they send even more Fearsome Iranian Speedboats at us!!

I don't see why we're not nuking Iran right now!! The guy faking an Iranian accent in the fake video clearly said we would "explode after... minutes"! What more do you need?! A crude skull & crossbones flag with "Death to the Great Satan" written on it?! Just imagine the horror! We need to nip this Iranian menace in the bud NOW!

If we put up with Fearsome Iranian Speedboats today, what will Iran send after us next?! My God, they could send Marauding Iranian Helicopters or even Dreadful Iranian Bedouins (and their Camels) to Missouri!!! OH DEAR GOD WHAT WILL WE DO?!!!

Write your congressmen! We need to nuke Iran before their Fearsome Iranian Speedboats strike again!!

Commercial for the Mainstream Media (MSM)

If somebody was selling this, would you buy it?

Secrecy is poison to a democracy

"CIA" is the opposite of "freedom"

Secrecy is poison to a democracy.

Disband the CIA, America's Gestapo while we still have a few shreds of liberty left.

"Help, help! I'm being Repressed!" Monty Python and Tasers

You knew this was coming...



"Shut up! ...Bloody Peasant!"

"Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system!!"

Indeed.

Everything I Need To Know, I've Learned From Iron Maiden

Iron Maiden is a kick-ass band with songs full of crazy guitar solos and high pitched vocals, but that's not all they offer. Almost every song is a history lesson, covering a diverse range of topics and times. This hilarious article about Maiden vs. high school history class is 666 kinds of awesome:

I am writing this letter in protest of the perverse travesty I have suffered at the hands of Mr. Bradley in the form of the horribly unjust "F" grade he has given me for last semester in his complete fraud of a class, World History 101. It calls into question the academic standards of this institution!

--snip--

100 B.C. The Roman Empire: The opening track "The Ides Of March" from the album Killers takes its name from Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, in which the Roman Emperor is betrayed and murdered by Brutus after being warned to "beware the Ides Of March," which is March 15th. This song immediately reminded me of the time that asshole senior Zack threatened he's kick my ass if I didn't return his copy of Slayer's Reign In Blood before Christmas break, and my so-called "friend" Marty totally sold me out and told him that it was in my locker the whole time. This betrayal led to my tragic, Caesar-esque fall from grace. More specifically, this involved Zack wailing on me and duct-taping my buttcheeks together in the locker room after gym class. Et tu, Marte?

Read the whole thing!

BTW, the descriptions of the songs are 100% true! The lyrics really are about historical events.

Lies crumble... laughs lumber

A little something juicy to tide you over:

Iraq war veteran and experienced demolitions expert blows the cover on 9/11 inside job.

Was Pat Tillman Murdered? Absolutely Yes, According to a Nam Vet

And something funny for all of the D&D geeks out there. Doesn't quite make up for all the murder and death in the other links, does it? Man, I had hoped this blog would be a lotta laughs; more than a barrel full of monkeys, as it were. Life just doesn't seem to work out that way.

The old way of protesting vs. the new old way

Protests for impeachment or ending the war or whatever are pretty crazy, fun things. I quite enjoy them, as one might enjoy going to the fair, but many people resent the weird characters and huge floats depicting Rumsfeld feeling up Lady Liberty or whatever. I think they use the carnival atmosphere to break through peoples' consciousness. Nothing even gets through to people unless it's bright and colorful and flashing and preferrably on TV.

But maybe the old circus tricks aren't working anymore and we need new ideas. I like the idea of a "formal tone" concept, to take the opposite approach, but we could still have fun with it. We should all get dressed up in our finest suits and go around with big signs saying:

"We respectfully disagree with the conduct and character of the Iraq War and wish to discuss remedies for said tragic happenstance!"

"I wish to express that President Bush's position on the War in Iraq is incongruent with my own!"

"Please bring the Iraq War to and end as quickly and deliberately as possible within the framework mutually decided upon by Congress and the President."

"We respectfully demand a full scientific appraisal of the Earth's climate and any changes we must make as a society to combat any unwanted developments as the result of global climate change!"

"As a citizen of the United States of America I hearby express my utmost concern for the constitutional well-being of this country, which I believe can only be remanded to the people after holding the present office-holder of the presidency to account (through the process of impeachment) for serious charges concerning his willful disregard of his oath of office."

"His Honor the Vice President has given ample evidence of fealty to a dark lord known as Baal the Destroyer. His sworn oath to the constitution of these states lays utterly despoiled by malice and deception and so he must be impeached forthwith!"

We've gotta find some bigger signs...

Support the Dick Cheney Hooker Disposal Act of 2007

Ladies and gentlemen of the internet, today I would like to introduce a bill for consideration by The Congress of the United States of America. Please join me in supporting this critical piece of legislation.

In the rough and tumble world of politics a man needs a chance to unwind at the end of the day so he can face tomorrow refreshed and ready to go. This is especially important when that man is engaged in the stressful task of starting wars and silencing enemies. Isn't it time to give back to the man who has taken so very much? I hope you'll join me in lobbying Congress to pass The Dick Cheney Hooker Disposal Act of 2007.

Full text of this important bill:

110th CONGRESS
1st Session
H. R. 6660

To amend the Department of Hookers and Cheap Cigars Department Act of 1914, and for other purposes.

IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

June 18, 2007

---

A BILL

To amend the Department of Hookers and Cheap Cigars Department Act of 1914, and for other purposes.

Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled,

SECTION 1. SHORT TITLE.

This Act may be cited as the "The Dick Cheney Hooker Disposal Act of 2007".

SEC. 2. It shall be resolved forthwith that—

(a) Any prostitutes the Vice President of the United States of America, His Honor Richard B. Cheney wishes to dispose of shall have duly deposited into the account relating to her post-use period via her microchip implant a credit of not less than 8,000 U.S. dollars and not more than 1 million ($1,000,000) U.S. dollars, plus free shipping in Wyoming.

(b) Definitions- For purposes of this section—

(1) The term "prostitute" shall be defined as "a woman who for whatever reason has sex with Dick Cheney and is not his wife" and shall be used throughout this bill.

(2) The term "hooker" shall have identical meaning herein.

(3) The term “pimp” shall refer to the business associate of a hooker

(c) All prostitutes shall be supplied by Madam Palfrey or a duly appointed representative (or "Pimp").

SEC. 3. Hooker disposal in accordance with Hooker Disbursement and Collection Agency (HDCA) rules and regulations

(a) All prostitutes must be disposed of in a method befitting the secreting of all evidence of prostitute fucking and killing from the general public. Since they never read these bills, they'll never fucking know. Therefore, all prostitute remains must be remanded to the control of the Chief Deputy of the Hooker Disbursement and Collection Agency (HDCA) or his duly appointed representative.

(b) It is resolved that hooker remains must be deposited into—

(1) The cement foundation of new buildings or

(2) Blended with molten steal

(c) So as to ensure no evidence will be found of the Department of Hookers and Cheap Cigars Department Act of 1914, and all subsequent legislation, including this Act.

(d) Furthermore, it is resolved that Dick Cheney's hooker disposal is hereby given utmost priority over other hooker disposal requirements, including

(1) The President's (POTUS) Playboy Bunnys Get Fucked Department and related activities, known as Section 69-G, and

(2) all other hooker disposal priorities.

SEC. 4. It is further resolved that funding for this act shall—

(a) Be acquired by secretly re-routing funds appropriated to the Faking Unsolicited Concern for Kids, Orphans, Females and Freedom (FUCKOFF) Act of 1969 and

(b) From the Central Intelligence Agency’s (C.I.A.) Secret Slush Fund for Hookers and Blow.

---

You may be wondering if I'm serious. You're damn right I'm serious.

We live in an age of unprecedented government corruption and corporate malfeasance and few people seem to care. The point of this admittedly cynical satire to make people think. In my wildest wet dream this bill would be introduced and even debated on the floor of House of Representatives. I don't expect them to pass it; shit, I'd be the first to say they should vote against it.

Getting the bill passed is not the point. I'd just like to see a member of the House introduce it to make a point about how incredibly corrupt and evil our government has become. There are so many secret or just oft-ignored parts of the government all running around doing god-knows-what with the trillions of dollars the taxpayers have given them, it's hard to imagine the government is even aware of what its doing.

Like an octopus with a million tentacles a few must inevitably be up to no good. A few errant tentacles I can accept but when a man like Dick Cheney takes control of the Octopus' cranium and controls it so effectively I begin to wonder if maybe corruption is the plan. Cheney's deft control of the war machine revealed that corruption is not the exception; it's the norm. And if he's ordered a prostitute or two? Well, maybe reality is more corrupt and decrepit than my darkest nightmares.

Please, join me in supporting a bill that you don't really support. It's a crazy choice for crazy times.

Sweet Jesus McGillicuddy!

Oh Velicirapture!

In his boundless love he can even cradle and soothe a young velociraptor. This photographic proof disproves evolution.... but if Jesus loves velociraptors so much why did he smite them with a mighty asteroid? Maybe they're all sitting on his lap in Heaven.

Ten Ways Dick Cheney Can Kill You

Just a friendly reminder.

... I'd actually be more worried about #11 -- invades your country and lets his private mercenary armies rape, pillage and kill indiscriminately.

Israeli ambassador found naked in the street wearing BDSM gear

This is one of those stories that can't be made unfunny. I know I said I was boycotting the BBC (I found this via Reddit), but their write-up is too funny to pass up.

Israel has recalled its ambassador to El Salvador after he was found drunk and naked apart from bondage gear.

Reports say he was able to identify himself to police only after a rubber ball had been removed from his mouth.

Gagged, bound, disoriented and nearly-naked? Sounds like he was negotiating with the Bush administration!

Authorities said they were unable to find the donkey.

A foreign ministry official described Ambassador Tzuriel Refael's behaviour as an unprecedented embarrassment.

The incident, which happened two weeks ago, has renewed calls for a radical overhaul of the way Israel appoints and promotes its diplomats.

Indeed, Israel has changed the process for initiating new ambassadors. No longer will they be gagged with a rubber ball and forced to dress up like the gimp. Nope! No more drunken orgies or visits to the dominatrix for spanking and discipline. Part of Israel's culture is fading they conform to international norms. The hazing process will now involve papercuts and titty-twisters like most other countries.

Mental note: watch out for those El Salvadoran dominatrices. They really go the extra mile.

FuglyBack

Just got back from Toronto and on the way back, in the airport I saw a little 8 year old girl on the pudgy side with those multicolor cornrows that all the girls get when they go to somewhere tropical for spring break... and I thought: "She's bringing fugly back."

Yeah, it's pretty awful, I know. But it was one of those thought-portmanteaus or something... You know, when two thoughts get mushed together. I took some, like.. "thought dough" and kind of merged it before I realized how totally cruel that shit is. But it's still funny, yo!

I'm sure you all hate me know, but I'm bringing brutal honesty back, like Randal tried to bring back "porch monkey" in clerks II. Oh yeah, and it's a reference to Justin Timberlake and his SexyBack thing-song. I'm wasn't aware sexy left, but it's a smart move on JT's part. Bringing back something that never left is very easy. However, convincing people that you brought it back is the key to deluding the helpless public.

You may thing you'll get away with this, Justin -- but I'm on to you!! And your little SneakyBack shit, too. Fucker.

Anyway, I'm tired and my feet hurt. Bad. That concludes this post... Stay fugly, Toronto.

Hate to Say I Told You So

No, this isn't about Iraq (but I did). Instead, it's about Van Halen. I mentioned the impending reunion a few posts ago, if you remember. Well, like the poll results indicated, disaster was just waiting for a chance to spooge its awful justice in our collective faces.

Over the weekend, employees of tour promoters Live Nation were informed that “the Van Halen tour has been shut down.” It’s not yet clear what went wrong: Just last week, the band released their first official photo of their new line-up to Rolling Stone.

Well, there goes that. I guess Wolfgang will have to get a summer job instead. Welcome to showbiz, kid!

Anybody have any bets on what went wrong? I'm betting that David Lee Roth started some random beef with Eddie about Wolfie being in the band (he wanted to hire a rapper instead), or maybe Dave just demanded a separate touring bus that floats (he doesn't like bumpy roads). Mr. Roth is not known for being gracious and accommodating. But he is known for great lines like this:

At the time, Roth told us that he was thrilled about the tour, and that the reunion could be permanent: “I have Hope and Faith – and that’s more than just the name of a couple of strippers from Albuquerque,” he said.

Those strippers would probably have less mental issues. Maybe the Van Halen family can hook up with them.

Happy Friday from the Star Wars Kid

This is the best parody of the Star Wars Kid I've ever seen. Enjoy:

Bush Vampire

Sucking the life out of Lady Liberty.