Wicked Writhing Weasels

They wiggle. They squirm. They stonewall.

Karma's ruthless cycle spins on, heading directly towards the neocons like a bolder rolling down a mountain. The years of lies, paranoia, war and greed are finally catching up. They will do anything to avoid the inevitable fallout of their actions.

Anything.

Ron Jeremy Confesses to Masterminding Sept. 11th Attacks with KSM

This is an Electric Monkey Pants Intergalactic News Network special report!

Porn-star Ron Jeremy has confessed to masterminding the attacks of September 11, 2001 along with his long-lost brother Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. "We did it," Ron Jeremy wrote in his confession, calling the mysterious collapse of the towers "the money shot."

Also confessing was Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (or "KSM" as he is known to lazy Americans). KSM had long eluded capture by the Americans by disguising himself as a grizzly bear. Later it was revealed that it wasn't a disguise; he is just really, really hairy. He twice escaped captivity by pretending to be a dog with rabies, but was recaptured while picking nits and lice out of his fur.

Calling themselves the Hairy Brothers of Destruction, Mr. Jeremy and KSM confessed to a long list of crimes against humanity.

Authorities also seized a hard drive containing details of several assassination plots (including attempts to kill the Pope, Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter's gardener), and hundreds of gigs of midget porn, bestiality porn, and pictures of Ron Jeremy rubbing KSM with sandpaper in what appears to be an attempt at hair removal.

The deranged duo admitted to being tortured by federal agents, and hinted at Abu Ghraib-style torture involving being stacked in a pile of naked men and being led around on a leash. They also indicated that they kind of liked it.

While enjoying a breakfast of bacon and eggs the confessed masterminds of 9/11 assured their interrogators that they were devout Muslims and that their confession was not coerced: "Karl Rove didn't call me and ask for a confession in exchange for 30 Brazilian hookers. Nothing like that happened, at all" Mr. Jeremy assured his captors, who then fed the revelations to several unquestioning, servile reporters, including this one.

KSM supplied a type-written note that listed all of the crimes the duo is responsible for masterminding. The list includes:

• the bombing of U.S. Cole
• the decapitation of Daniel Pearl
• the planting of explosives that brought down WTC 7
• farting in the interrogation room -- twice
• the bombing of a nightclub in Bali, Indonesia
• jump-starting Paris Hilton's career
• the Democrats' strong showing in the November elections
• happy-slapping
• Abu-Ghraib (specifically: getting the Americans caught)
• Hurricane Katrina
• eye-boogers
• killing Anna Nicole Smith
  
• causing President Bush to appear stupid and clueless on TV
• the Hindenburg disaster
• pimples
• the estate tax
• the illusion of global warming (to scare hippies)
• the Oklahoma City bombing
• Watergate
• killing Jesus Christ (and Old Yeller)

Ron Jeremy supplied an identical list, but he crossed out "Paris Hilton" and wrote "virneeral dizees", then crossed that out and wrote "VD."

The above information was provided to reporters on the condition that we not mention Alberto Gonzales, the word "impeachment" or the many inconsistencies in the official 9/11 story for 3 weeks. Naturally, we agreed because we just repeat whatever they say anyway.

[ed.: wait... were we supposed to repeat that last part?... i'd better call karl. hold till then]

This has been an Electric Monkey Pants Intergalactic News Network special report!

Cheney's Handwritten Notes Implicate El Presidente Bush in Plame/CIA Leak Affair

The two biggest criminals in this country are both implicated in the Plame affair. As Scooter Libby's trial progresses and things look worse and worse for Cheney's ex-right-hand-man his defense team is casting blame in every direction... including toward "the top."

Last week, Libby's attorney Theodore Wells made a stunning pronouncement during opening statements of Libby's trial. He claimed that the White House had made Libby a scapegoat for the leak to protect Karl Rove - Bush's political adviser and "right-hand man."

"Mr. Libby, you will learn, went to the vice president of the United States and met with the vice president in private. Mr. Libby said to the vice president, 'I think the White House ... is trying to set me up. People in the White House want me to be a scapegoat,'" said Wells.

Cheney's notes seem to help bolster Wells's defense strategy. Libby's defense team first discussed the notes - written by Cheney in September 2003 for White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan - during opening statements last week. Wells said Cheney had written "not going to protect one staffer and sacrifice the guy that was asked to stick his head in the meat grinder because of incompetence of others": a reference to Libby being asked to deal with the media and vociferously rebut Wilson's allegations that the Bush administration knowingly "twisted" intelligence to win support for the war in Iraq.

However, when Cheney wrote the notes, he had originally written "this Pres." instead of "that was.

The "meat grinder" is generally taken to mean "the DC press corps". So, after re-inserting "this Pres" into Cheney's note it reads: "not going to protect one staffer and sacrifice the guy this Pres. asked to stick his head in the meat grinder because of the incompetence of others."

It's not surprising that strategy concerning the Plame affair would be discussed at the highest levels. But Bush has been denying all along that he knew anything about the leak.

When Cheney testifies will he throw Libby under the bus like Addington? I can't wait to find out. What happens when the top two liars in the country are implicated in a scandal, tied to an illegal war that's been used to justify illegal wiretapping? Well, if Republicans are in charge: Nothing. However, I have a smidgen of hope that the Democrats will pursue impeachment. They'd better hurry up about it because I keep hearing more and more noise about starting a war with Iran. It sounds like the preparations for a joint U.S./Israeli strike are almost complete.

O.J. Simpson reveals how he would've butchered his wife

You can't make shit like this up:

The two-part television interview, titled "O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened," will air Nov. 27 and Nov. 29 on Fox, the TV network said Tuesday.

"O.J. Simpson, in his own words, tells for the first time how he would have committed the murders if he were the one responsible for the crimes," the network said in a statement. "In the two-part event, Simpson describes how he would have carried out the murders he has vehemently denied committing for over a decade."

Not only is he a murderer, he's also a publicity hound.

Normally I'd insert something snarky and sarcastic here, but is there really any need? I mean, this pretty much says it all, doesn't it? He's had 10+ years to think about it, and now he's going to tell us how he would rather have done it, given what he knows now. Well, that's just great.

Perhaps he can take on the Kennedy assassinations next. Hell, why not do a reality TV show:

"It's O.J. Simpson in... How I Would've Murdered Those People: The Most Famous Murders in History, Seen Through the Eyes of a Calculating Psychopath. This week O.J. tells us how he would've whacked JonBenet Ramsey!"

Look for it on Fox.

Valerie Plame Wilson (ex-CIA) sues Dick Cheney for leaking her identity

Oh man, this is good stuff:

The CIA officer whose identity was leaked to reporters sued Vice President Dick Cheney, his former top aide and presidential adviser Karl Rove on Thursday, accusing them and other White House officials of conspiring to destroy her career.

In a lawsuit filed in U.S. District Court, Valerie Plame and her husband, Joseph Wilson, a former U.S. ambassador, accused Cheney, Rove and I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby of revealing Plame's CIA identity in seeking revenge against Wilson for criticizing the Bush administration's motives in Iraq.

This is great news. I think it's clear that Dick started this whole fiasco, so it's fitting that he would be sued for it. Will this be a civil suit? I would imagine so, but I'm not sure. If so that would mean she could really only nail him for cash, but it certainly would provide some negative PR for the Bush administration.

Nail the hypocritical fuckers. They're always complaining about leaks -- except when they're the ones doing the leaking.