Posts Tagged ‘EMPINN’

Vengeance, both swift and brutal: monkey-terrorists strike again, leave message: Do not fuck with da monkeys!

The deputy mayor of the Indian capital Delhi has died a day after being attacked by a horde of wild monkeys.

SS Bajwa suffered serious head injuries when he fell from the first-floor terrace of his home on Saturday morning trying to fight off the monkeys.

Monkey-related deaths are on the rise as swarms of deadly monkey fall like furry stones upon the heads of unsuspecting humans. The time of monkey-judgment is at hand! Pray to the monkey-god Hanuman for mercy or you just might slip on a banana-peel carefully placed by his secret monkey assassins!

You may think monkey-murder is a laughing matter, but you won’t be laughing when twenty rhesus monkeys attack you out of the blue, rape your women and throw feces at your friends.

Given the chance, these monkeys will surely destroy us all. That’s why we need tough anti-monkey legislation. Contact your congresscritter today and screech into the phone until he gets the message.

Monkey CaliphNo doubt the monkeys are forming a government-in-exile as we speak, plotting a bloody return to power. Monkey-terrorists are drawing up plans for more sneak attacks designed to liberate their brothers in the jails we call zoos while militant monkey marauders have plans to attack peanut supply-lines and drop coconuts on peoples’ heads.

There are rumors of a Monkey Caliph hiding in the jungles, biding his time until more human governments are overthrown. My sources risked their lives to bring me this information. Monkey-spies lurk everywhere, waiting to fling poo at those who speak against them. Our young are inculcated with coded pro-monkey messages while monkey mullahs openly recruit new converts to their militant monkey madrasahs.

There can be no doubt. This is all-out war — a great struggle between civilizations and it’s time to choose sides. You’re either with us or you’re with the monkeys.

This has been an Electric Monkey Pants Intergalactic News Network (EMPINN) special report!

This is an Electric Monkey Pants Intergalactic News Network special report!

Porn-star Ron Jeremy has confessed to masterminding the attacks of September 11, 2001 along with his long-lost brother Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. “We did it,” Ron Jeremy wrote in his confession, calling the mysterious collapse of the towers “the money shot.”

Also confessing was Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (or “KSM” as he is known to lazy Americans). KSM had long eluded capture by the Americans by disguising himself as a grizzly bear. Later it was revealed that it wasn’t a disguise; he is just really, really hairy. He twice escaped captivity by pretending to be a dog with rabies, but was recaptured while picking nits and lice out of his fur.

Calling themselves the Hairy Brothers of Destruction, Mr. Jeremy and KSM confessed to a long list of crimes against humanity.

Authorities also seized a hard drive containing details of several assassination plots (including attempts to kill the Pope, Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter’s gardener), and hundreds of gigs of midget porn, bestiality porn, and pictures of Ron Jeremy rubbing KSM with sandpaper in what appears to be an attempt at hair removal.

The deranged duo admitted to being tortured by federal agents, and hinted at Abu Ghraib-style torture involving being stacked in a pile of naked men and being led around on a leash. They also indicated that they kind of liked it.

While enjoying a breakfast of bacon and eggs the confessed masterminds of 9/11 assured their interrogators that they were devout Muslims and that their confession was not coerced: “Karl Rove didn’t call me and ask for a confession in exchange for 30 Brazilian hookers. Nothing like that happened, at all” Mr. Jeremy assured his captors, who then fed the revelations to several unquestioning, servile reporters, including this one.

KSM supplied a type-written note that listed all of the crimes the duo is responsible for masterminding. The list includes:

  • the bombing of U.S. Cole
  • the decapitation of Daniel Pearl
  • the planting of explosives that brought down WTC 7
  • farting in the interrogation room — twice
  • the bombing of a nightclub in Bali, Indonesia
  • jump-starting Paris Hilton’s career
  • the Democrats’ strong showing in the November elections
  • happy-slapping
  • Abu-Ghraib (specifically: getting the Americans caught)
  • Hurricane Katrina
  • eye-boogers
  • killing Anna Nicole Smith
  • causing President Bush to appear stupid and clueless on TV
  • the Hindenburg disaster
  • pimples
  • the estate tax
  • the illusion of global warming (to scare hippies)
  • the Oklahoma City bombing
  • Watergate
  • killing Jesus Christ (and Old Yeller)

Ron Jeremy supplied an identical list, but he crossed out “Paris Hilton” and wrote “virneeral dizees”, then crossed that out and wrote “VD.”

The above information was provided to reporters on the condition that we not mention Alberto Gonzales, the word “impeachment” or the many inconsistencies in the official 9/11 story for 3 weeks. Naturally, we agreed because we just repeat whatever they say anyway.

[ed.: wait… were we supposed to repeat that last part?… i’d better call karl. hold till then]

This has been an Electric Monkey Pants Intergalactic News Network (EMPINN) special report!