Electric Monkey Pants

Did I mention I fucking hate Valentine’s Day? It fucking sucks. I didn’t set out to be a wet blanket for those of you who enjoy this crappy Hallmark Holiday (e.g. those of you with significant others), but I don’t give a flying fuck, and you’re too wrapped into each other to notice anyway.

It always starts the same. You meet a girl/guy, who’s like “oh I hate Valentine’s Day. It’s totally lame and wasteful.” Next thing you know you’re spending hundreds of dollars on your VD gifts to each other. Each of you feels a need to both give and receive gifts because everyone else is doing it. You don’t want your partner to feel unloved and left out do you? Corporate America has made it quite clear that you are a bad person if you don’t spend half your paycheck on flowers, chocolates, romantic dinners, and more.

No matter how anti-VD you start out, once you’ve been in a relationship awhile you start to break down. You feel neglectful if you don’t get your sweetie something on February 14th (because lord knows there’s something soooo different about February 14th. All those other days are for neglecting your lover). Even if you hate the holiday as I do you find yourself cheating a little with flowers or maybe a little something extra.

Because of all the pressure on couples it becomes exceedingly obvious who has a significant other (SO) and who does not. Thus, the real purpose of VD is revealed: Shaming those who don’t have SOs. It’s pretty obvious who is who. The person without an SO is writing angry, anti-Valentine’s Day screeds on his blog while those in a relationship are dipping into their kids’ college funds to pay for increasingly elaborate and expensive gifts (gotta top last year!) in order to convince both your SO and yourself that you still love her/him.

Normally, I don’t encourage people to burn down flower shops (make sure your firebombs are wrapped in pink packaging), hunt down and eviscerate candy-company executives (despite their hard exterior they’re gooey on the inside), or use VD cards to give Hallmark employees a million little papercuts (bind them with caramel so they can’t move), but because Feb. 14th is apparently so different (it’s the day you actually love loved ones!!!!!11!1), I’m going to make an exception.

I’m working on some candy-themed weaponry for next year, including a railgun that shoots Smarties and a rose-thorn chainsaw that is more fantastically bloody and painful than effective at sawing through limbs. The R&D budget is quite high because of all the money I’ve saved from not having a girlfriend. This means the Napalm-based chocolate hearts are right on schedule (Agent Orange version coming soon). I’m still working on the engagement rings made out of depleted uranium, but the VX-based chocolates are deliciously deadly. I suggest getting the sampler pack.

You can’t say I don’t get into the spirit of the holiday. Besides, as Nazareth taught us, Love Hurts. Of course, in this case it also causes 3rd degree burns, internal hemorrhaging, vaporized limbs, blindness, cancer, liquified flesh, post-traumatic stress disorder and some zombie-ism.

But it comes with free gift wrapping!