Archive for February, 2007

FuglyBack

Just got back from Toronto and on the way back, in the airport I saw a little 8 year old girl on the pudgy side with those multicolor cornrows that all the girls get when they go to somewhere tropical for spring break… and I thought: “She’s bringing fugly back.”

Yeah, it’s pretty awful, I know. But it was one of those thought-portmanteaus or something… You know, when two thoughts get mushed together. I took some, like.. “thought dough” and kind of merged it before I realized how totally cruel that shit is. But it’s still funny, yo!

I’m sure you all hate me know, but I’m bringing brutal honesty back, like Randal tried to bring back “porch monkey” in clerks II. Oh yeah, and it’s a reference to Justin Timberlake and his SexyBack thing-song. I’m wasn’t aware sexy left, but it’s a smart move on JT’s part. Bringing back something that never left is very easy. However, convincing people that you brought it back is the key to deluding the helpless public.

You may thing you’ll get away with this, Justin — but I’m on to you!! And your little SneakyBack shit, too. Fucker.

Anyway, I’m tired and my feet hurt. Bad. That concludes this post… Stay fugly, Toronto.

Hate to Say I Told You So

No, this isn’t about Iraq (but I did). Instead, it’s about Van Halen. I mentioned the impending reunion a few posts ago, if you remember. Well, like the poll results indicated, disaster was just waiting for a chance to spooge its awful justice in our collective faces.

Over the weekend, employees of tour promoters Live Nation were informed that “the Van Halen tour has been shut down.” It’s not yet clear what went wrong: Just last week, the band released their first official photo of their new line-up to Rolling Stone.

Well, there goes that. I guess Wolfgang will have to get a summer job instead. Welcome to showbiz, kid!

Anybody have any bets on what went wrong? I’m betting that David Lee Roth started some random beef with Eddie about Wolfie being in the band (he wanted to hire a rapper instead), or maybe Dave just demanded a separate touring bus that floats (he doesn’t like bumpy roads). Mr. Roth is not known for being gracious and accommodating. But he is known for great lines like this:

At the time, Roth told us that he was thrilled about the tour, and that the reunion could be permanent: “I have Hope and Faith – and that’s more than just the name of a couple of strippers from Albuquerque,” he said.

Those strippers would probably have less mental issues. Maybe the Van Halen family can hook up with them.

Tony “Poodle” Blair has decided to pull out of Iraq. Sort of. Eventually.

This more of a big deal symbolically than realistically since Britain only had around 7,000 troops in country anyway (they had around 45,000 for the invasion — you know, “the fun part”).

Hopefully this will cause people in America to scratch their softboiled heads and wonder, “Well, uh, why are we still there? Is the U.K. safe from terrorism now?” You will recall, of course, that the UK/USA alliance was keen to fight the terrorists “over there” rather than “over here.” What changed? Was there some anti-terr’rist bust in Iraq that I missed? Did they somehow solve the terrorism problem in the UK? Oh, if only such a solution worked in the US too! Maybe they have perfected some sort of anti-terror aerosol spray. But then, that wouldn’t really fit with with the neocon MO, would it? Terror is their bread and butter. They need it to govern. Blair is only doing this because he knows his term is almost up. He obviously plans to declare victory and hope that the public just forgets about the whole thing. Will they forget all of the lies and manipulation and sexing-up of intelligence dossiers? Experience shows they might.

But that won’t be so simple in America. We’ve borne the brunt of this conquest (well, except for the Iraqis, but nobody counting them, right?), and Bush pulled out all the stops to sell this war. Now it looks like we’re all alone in this boondoggle.

I don’t mean to disparage Kazakhstan’s 29 troops. Or the 41 troops Estonia has over there. Truly, a fearsome fighting force. I quake in my boots just thinking about them. And Moldova’s troops, all 12 of them, are so incredibly powerful that I think it would be fine if we left them in charge and took our 132,000 troops back home to preside over the president’s trial for treason.

But we may have problems doing that since King George is the commander in chief. Still, Congress has certain powers, including the power of the purse strings. Cutting off funds for the war is a harsh and dangerous course…. but so is leaving the troops in Iraq indefinitely. It’s time to take a stand, people. If it’s a constitutional crisis Bush and neocons want, then that is what they’ll get. I think there are enough pissed off Democrats in the House and Senate to make this a very interesting fight. I suspect that much is being played out behind the scenes. The neocons know that it’s time for them to leave, but like a drunken and belligerent house guest they are steadfastly resisting all attempts at reason. More drastic actions may be required. (Fun way to get rid is a belligerent houseguest: Tell them their car has been towed. Hopefully they’ll be on the front lawn by the time they remember they took the bus. Use this time to lock the door and pull the shades)

I’m ready to take to the streets if necessary to compel the neocons from power. I know my shit don’t amount to much, but it’s all I got. I wish I could lend more to the struggle. I know there are some people, even in the ruling class, who have had enough of the neocons. I trust that they have a plan to remove them from power… but it sure is taking a long time. I don’t know what’s playing out behind the scenes, but I can’t imagine the neocons have many allies left. Regardless, it’s time to end this game. World conquest is not a good way to make friends.

Did I mention I fucking hate Valentine’s Day? It fucking sucks. I didn’t set out to be a wet blanket for those of you who enjoy this crappy Hallmark Holiday (e.g. those of you with significant others), but I don’t give a flying fuck, and you’re too wrapped into each other to notice anyway.

It always starts the same. You meet a girl/guy, who’s like “oh I hate Valentine’s Day. It’s totally lame and wasteful.” Next thing you know you’re spending hundreds of dollars on your VD gifts to each other. Each of you feels a need to both give and receive gifts because everyone else is doing it. You don’t want your partner to feel unloved and left out do you? Corporate America has made it quite clear that you are a bad person if you don’t spend half your paycheck on flowers, chocolates, romantic dinners, and more.

No matter how anti-VD you start out, once you’ve been in a relationship awhile you start to break down. You feel neglectful if you don’t get your sweetie something on February 14th (because lord knows there’s something soooo different about February 14th. All those other days are for neglecting your lover). Even if you hate the holiday as I do you find yourself cheating a little with flowers or maybe a little something extra.

Because of all the pressure on couples it becomes exceedingly obvious who has a significant other (SO) and who does not. Thus, the real purpose of VD is revealed: Shaming those who don’t have SOs. It’s pretty obvious who is who. The person without an SO is writing angry, anti-Valentine’s Day screeds on his blog while those in a relationship are dipping into their kids’ college funds to pay for increasingly elaborate and expensive gifts (gotta top last year!) in order to convince both your SO and yourself that you still love her/him.

Normally, I don’t encourage people to burn down flower shops (make sure your firebombs are wrapped in pink packaging), hunt down and eviscerate candy-company executives (despite their hard exterior they’re gooey on the inside), or use VD cards to give Hallmark employees a million little papercuts (bind them with caramel so they can’t move), but because Feb. 14th is apparently so different (it’s the day you actually love loved ones!!!!!11!1), I’m going to make an exception.

I’m working on some candy-themed weaponry for next year, including a railgun that shoots Smarties and a rose-thorn chainsaw that is more fantastically bloody and painful than effective at sawing through limbs. The R&D budget is quite high because of all the money I’ve saved from not having a girlfriend. This means the Napalm-based chocolate hearts are right on schedule (Agent Orange version coming soon). I’m still working on the engagement rings made out of depleted uranium, but the VX-based chocolates are deliciously deadly. I suggest getting the sampler pack.

You can’t say I don’t get into the spirit of the holiday. Besides, as Nazareth taught us, Love Hurts. Of course, in this case it also causes 3rd degree burns, internal hemorrhaging, vaporized limbs, blindness, cancer, liquified flesh, post-traumatic stress disorder and some zombie-ism.

But it comes with free gift wrapping!

Reviews at Perfect Porridge, pt. 1

Yours truly has two new reviews up at Perfect Porridge. Go check them out.

I’m doing a bunch more, all focused on some fairly obscure late 80s/early 90s thrash and death metal. Some good stuff, some not so good. Keep checkin’ back for more!

Anna Nicole Smith murdered? Questions remain

You’ve no doubt been caught in the media’s miasma of sensationalization. Their orgy of recrminiations and fingers pointed, obliquely or not, is mostly a distraction. But there might be some truth to the whispers that she was murdered. It should not go without notice that there is a billion dollar inheritance at stake.

As usual, Rigorous Intuition is on top of things, including the frightening comparisons to Marylin Monroe. It’s dangerous to be a hot blonde…

A week before her death, Monroe spent a weekend at Lake Tahoe’s Cal-Neva Lodge as a doped-up plush-toy of owners Frank Sinatra and Sam Giancana. Later, friend Ralph Roberts said Monroe described it as a “nightmare,” and that she’d felt more like a prisoner than a guest. Photographer Billy Woodfield, who’d worked with both Monroe and Sinatra, told Wolfe that Sinatra gave him a roll of film from the weekend to develop: “In his darkroom the photographer was shocked to see that the photos were of an unconscious Marilyn Monroe being sexually abused in the presence of Sam Giancana and Sinatra. Marilyn had been drugged in order for the compromising photos to be taken.” Woodfield advised Sinatra to burn them.

Drugs, mind-control, assassination, rape and blackmail. What a wonderful world we live in. Sinatra was protected from on high, much like Johnny Fontaine in the Godfather, so this doesn’t sound too out of character for him. He wants a fine piece of ass, so all he has to do is pick one from the pages of People magazine. His goons get the drugs and the dame and the rest is a party, if that’s what you’d call it.

The death of Anna Nicole’s son, Daniel, seemed very suspicious to me (removing the heirs?). I think we have to look at the obvious suspects in this case (which the police seem reluctant to do): She made a lot of enemies for marrying J. Howard Marshall a little over a year before his death. The complex court case involving the Marshall family’s efforts to deny Anna Nicole a slice of that billion dollar payout got dirty fast. After a recent Supreme Court ruling in her favor I think it’s foolish to ignore the obvious suspects in our midst. E. Pierce Marshall is dead, but no doubt somebody else is controlling the family now. The question is “who?” and how far will they go to maintain their fortune?

In my years upon this planet I have discovered that there are two basic types of people in this world: Those who talk about starting a hardcore death metal band with a parrot for a lead singer, and those who actually do it. Hatebeak, my friends, is the latter.

No, I’m not kidding. After you’ve heard their music you’ll know what awaits you in the bowls of helllllll!!!!! They sound like Cock & Ball Torture, but the unholy screeches are like the howls of demon…. uh parrots. Seriously, give it a listen. Download a copy. Play it at your prom. Let your grandma jump in the pit. Fuck yeaaah.

Personally, I think we should give Hatebeak the keys to the kingdom. Who else has given so much to humanity? There should be parades, fireworks, medals of honor, world acclaim and they should get their choice of our finest virgins.

Fuck your Britney Spears records. Her time is over. It’s time for… HATEBEAK!!!

Okay, that was cold. I shouldn’t make fun of balding people, it’s just that David Lee Roth’s receding hairline reminds me of how old I am. I can remember that Hot For Teacher video like yesterday. That was like 20 years ago. 23, I think. Damn dude. 2007 is like… the future! We’re in the future! And it’s pretty fucking dystopian.

Beyond the obvious terror of the deranged Bush regime we future-dwellers have further horrors to contend with. Like the prospect of a middle-aged Van Halen dancing on our memories, forever encoding the grim reality of their wrinkles upon our youth. Well, at least they have Wolfgang with them. If you haven’t heard, Eddie’s 15 year old son Wolfgang has replaced original-bassist, Michael Anthony. Mikey has been playing with Sammy Hagar’s band recently, which kind of pissed off the Van Halen brothers. I love Eddie’s playing, but I think he’s fucking washed up and needs to lay off the booze and get his shit together.

What are your predictions for the upcoming Van Halen / David Lee Roth reunion?

David Lee Roth is back in Van Halen. The tour will result in…
massive amounts of cash
unmitigated disaster
a new album
a boycott by Michael Anthony fans
Sammy Hagar crying in his tequila
pollcode.com free polls

I was going to write a long, profane screed about this, but now I’m glad I didn’t because it turns out that Wil Wheaton of all people has already done it for me. Check it out.

This is the best parody of the Star Wars Kid I’ve ever seen. Enjoy:

The two biggest criminals in this country are both implicated in the Plame affair. As Scooter Libby’s trial progresses and things look worse and worse for Cheney’s ex-right-hand-man his defense team is casting blame in every direction… including toward “the top.”

Last week, Libby’s attorney Theodore Wells made a stunning pronouncement during opening statements of Libby’s trial. He claimed that the White House had made Libby a scapegoat for the leak to protect Karl Rove – Bush’s political adviser and “right-hand man.”“Mr. Libby, you will learn, went to the vice president of the United States and met with the vice president in private. Mr. Libby said to the vice president, ‘I think the White House … is trying to set me up. People in the White House want me to be a scapegoat,’” said Wells.

Cheney’s notes seem to help bolster Wells’s defense strategy. Libby’s defense team first discussed the notes – written by Cheney in September 2003 for White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan – during opening statements last week. Wells said Cheney had written “not going to protect one staffer and sacrifice the guy that was asked to stick his head in the meat grinder because of incompetence of others”: a reference to Libby being asked to deal with the media and vociferously rebut Wilson’s allegations that the Bush administration knowingly “twisted” intelligence to win support for the war in Iraq.

However, when Cheney wrote the notes, he had originally written “this Pres.” instead of “that was.

The “meat grinder” is generally taken to mean “the DC press corps”. So, after re-inserting “this Pres” into Cheney’s note it reads: “not going to protect one staffer and sacrifice the guy this Pres. asked to stick his head in the meat grinder because of the incompetence of others.”

It’s not surprising that strategy concerning the Plame affair would be discussed at the highest levels. But Bush has been denying all along that he knew anything about the leak.

When Cheney testifies will he throw Libby under the bus like Addington? I can’t wait to find out. What happens when the top two liars in the country are implicated in a scandal, tied to an illegal war that’s been used to justify illegal wiretapping? Well, if Republicans are in charge: Nothing. However, I have a smidgen of hope that the Democrats will pursue impeachment. They’d better hurry up about it because I keep hearing more and more noise about starting a war with Iran. It sounds like the preparations for a joint U.S./Israeli strike are almost complete.