Category : humor

If I were running for president, I would stake my campaign on a single issue. An issue of the utmost importance in our time of existential peril. I’m talking of course, about my plan to give the Statue of Liberty a boob job.

The Statue of Liberty -- See? She's totally flat.Now, I know what you’re thinking: Why is he running on this issue when the economy, the environment and our political system are on all on the brink of collapse? It’s because of that last, actually. Our political system is so fucked up that the candidate that’s making the most sense right now is Stephen Colbert. That’s why giving the Statue of Liberty a boob job is so important. In a system where nothing makes sense, only the absurd can be enlightening.

I’m sure there are legitimate concerns with my plan, such as, What will France think? That’s fair, since they gave us the landmark back in 1886 in return for the cessation of France jokes (oops?). But you know, if any country is going to be okay with sexing up a work of art, I think France is that country. Heck, they banned the burqa over there; so now French women have to show skin. It’s the law! I can’t wait for whatever form of titillation they enshrine into law next. I’m betting on National Bikini Month during June. What a great country!

Here in America, our culture reflects our simultaneous fear of and obsession with sex. Our Puritan past manifests in both our paleo-conservative candidates and our raunchy television, even though nudity is practically verboten. Our brave entertainers have managed to squeeze every last drop of titillation out of our FCC censorship regime. In order to honor Hollywood’s quest to defend liberty and show boobies, it’s clear that we need to give Lady Liberty a Wonderbra and some serious cleavage.

Besides, the Statue of Liberty should reflect our shared culture. We’re pretty crass by this point so we might as well embrace it. So we should make sure to give Lady Liberty a handgun and a cheeseburger while we’re at it.

The whole “liberty” thing is pretty played out, too. I mean, come on — liberty is no longer a priority for our country. If it were, why would we have a not-so-secret torture camp on Cuban soil called Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp? It’s beyond the normal laws of our fair land and exists only to torture and imprison those foreigners we’ve captured — but not tried in a court of law. No, that would respect our (outmoded?) tradition of due process and equality for all. Now that Republican crowds will regularly boo the Golden Rule, peace, gay soldiers, uninsured Americans and the mere mention of Mexico, I think we can put the whole “Liberty” thing to bed. What Americans really want these days is Vengeance. So I suggest we drop the Flame of Liberty (put it in a museum, where it belongs) and give Lady Liberty a battle-axe instead. All the better to behead the terr’rists with, right?

The State of Liberty used to be a mirror of what we’ve achieved as nation. Now it’s an embarrassing reminder of how bad things have gotten, like how an old photo of you (from when you were young and fit) mocks the present reality. We need to bring the Lady into alignment with our present-day existence so we can forget about how out of whack things have gotten. To that end, Lady Liberty is going to need some tatoos (a tramp-stamp, obviously), an Oompa-Loompa-colored fake tan (Jersey is right next door, they should have enough spray-on tan for the whole statue), and a WWJD bracelet that she never looks at.

It’s not easy to be the guy who points out that shit’s fucked up, but I will be that guy (until I get tired) and I will fight for you in Washington (unless you elect a bunch of assholes to Congress — which you do every time) and I won’t shy away from the truth (but the truth will make you shy away from me).

So when it comes time to cast your vote just write in “Vemrion” and then we’ll get going on this boob-job thing. You deserve it, America.

They walk among us. Normal people, like you or me. But inside the corners of their ratty little minds they carry a dark, hideous secret: They own a leaf blower.

I know, I know. It’s easy to hate them, like SUV drivers, sweet sixteen psycho-princesses and those happy-slapping chavs who run around hitting unsuspecting people and filming it. But owning a leaf blower does not make you a shitty person. A crappy one, yes. But not shitty.

It’s not the individuals who own leaf blowers who concern me; it’s the whole problem of Leaf Blower Culture that keeps me up at night (that, and the noise). This is not to say the leaf blower wielders are innocent however. It is their weakness that ruins things for the rest of us. But what flaw in our collective psyche allowed it get to this point?

The Human Flaw
The skull-rattling noise of leaf blowers is the real reason that people use them, I suspect. Far from being the biggest flaw, it’s actually what attracts these weak, pitiful souls to it, desperately wanting to make some impact in the world, wrongly or rightly.

Backpack leaf blowerAlthough commercial grade leaf blowers are spendy at around $500, a small consumer version can cost as little as 40 bucks (plus gas). Like SUVs, the relatively cheap price combined with the vibrant feeling of pure mechanical power gives consumers a drunken sense of maniacal glee.

A few hours after the purchase you can find many people softly, sickly laughing as they swirl the leaf blower around like a bloated magical wand, causing a small wind storm along with an incredible cacophonous noise heard blocks away. Screaming over the monstrous din, they dance through the lawn with their mechanical version of Voldemort’s wand spewing forth a steady stream of devilish noise and blustery fury. Somewhere deep in their gollum-like mind the voice of a mad-man rings loudly in their hollow hearts:

“HAHA!! Yes!! I am making those leaves flee before me! I am invincible with my precious blower! Cower before me, you stupid leaves! I’ll blow you clear across the lawn! MUAAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!”

He is no longer a balding and pot-bellied middle-aged suburban dad. He is Leafmancer the Majestic, master of all who cross his path. Dare ye to speak to him over the bilious noise of his quivering instrument of power? Nay, he will not hear your pleas. He does not concern himself with such trifles as your feelings. “Back off, before I blow you off!” he hisses in an inaudible whisper.

A Cost/Benefit Ratio Forrest Gump Could Deduce
This simple device encapsulates everything that is wrong with American culture from a social, environmental and technological standpoint. Let’s look at what a leaf blower does and it’s advantages versus disadvantages.

A leaf blower is basically a reverse vacuum cleaner. It blows instead of sucks. But what goal does it accomplish, what societal need does it address?

It replaces a rake.

That’s it. As far as I know, there is no other common use for a leaf blower than the function that is easily accomplished by the common rake, which can be purchased at hardware store for 20 bucks and requires no fuel or maintenance and operates nearly silently.

The leaf blower does its job extremely poorly — and it does so very loudly — yet people still flock to this useless, feeble technology.

5 guys with leaf blowers

To really drive this home, and be fair to leaf blowers, I will now list the advantages and disadvantages of this machine:

Leaf blower pros:

  • Slightly faster? Maybe, but I’ve seen workmen accomplish virtually nothing in an hour’s time, like a retarded monkey pushing around a box of sand
  • Some can suck up and mulch the leaves, but most people don’t have or use this functionality; the device is technically referred to as a “blower vac” in this capacity
  • Although they ostensibly reduce human energy output, using high-powered machines is somewhat difficult and still makes you sweaty. I don’t see many grannies using them

Leaf blower cons:

  • Loud as a fucking airplane
  • Expensive compared with a rake
  • Requires continual purchase of costly fossil fuels
  • Causes air pollution and leaves the stench of gasoline
  • Creates huge plumes of dust & debris, some of which can lodge themselves in your eye
  • Not as good at creating leaf piles as a rake
  • Heavier than a rake
  • Bulkier than a rake
  • Has moving parts and requires regular maintenance such as:
    • Cleaning or replacing the filters
    • Replacing the spark plugs
    • Cleaning the fan blades
    • Cleaning the air intake
    • etc. etc.
  • Doesn’t work without a fuel source yet still requires human control/power
  • If you’re using a leaf blower, you’re pissing off everybody around you

Meanwhile, a rake just fucking works. (Plus, it can be used to sneak up and attack people using leaf blowers.)

Leaf blower mouth

A Cultural Sickness that Reveals Our World’s Rotten Soul
Our world teeters on the edge of economic, environmental collapse and I’m worried about leaf blowers? Well yes, because if we think leaf blowers are a good idea then I weep for our noisy, pointless future. Why does our culture accept and use these technologically gimmicky bullshit tools when perfectly acceptable old-school tools exist? Is it sheer laziness or a delirious lust for auditory power? I’m afraid our leaf blower addiction reveals far more about our society than we would ever want to grok.

Corporate priorities tend to distort things. In recent years the idea that there’s a technological solution to every problem has been driven into the corporate drone’s head. He knows all his competitors are using leaf blowers. He thinks that a rake looks low-tech and that customers are more impressed with technology than simplicity. He expects a lawn care service company to show up with a trailer full of gas-powered goodies, all of which make an unholy racket. It’s part of our cultural expectations at this point: If you’re not making a shitload of noise, are you really doing anything?

Blame it on our Genes
Our monkey brains are helpless before the lure of shiny, noisy tools. If this is the best we can do, perhaps the world would be better off without us. Dolphins don’t have leaf blowers. When they enslave us, they will say it’s for our own good and they might actually be right. That’s what scares me. Still, rakes sit lonely and dust-covered in millions of garages, wondering, like some jilted lover, what it did to push us into the arms of that supercharged demon-mistress next to it. Will America remember the simple, subtle beauty of the common garden rake before it’s too late?

We could certainly use the exercise.

This is one cultural deficiency I can’t blame solely on the Oligarchy (although our elite-encouraged oil addiction is a contributing factor). It’s our own stupid lust for power that led us to this point. If we keep this up I’m gonna start cheering for the goddamn lizard people. Bring on the brainless zombies (armed with leaf blowers, of course).

C’mon, folks: Evolve already!

A Future Fraught with Free Leaves
I’m not the first person to complain about this plague; leaf blowers are illegal in several cities and people have bitched about them for decades. Yet, here we are in 2011 and they’re still fucking here.

The most ironic part is that leaves will win this battle in the end. Leaves will be blowing freely long after humanity has slit its own throat and withered, gurgling and gasping, into the heedless sands of history.

Are leaves such a horrible infestation that they must be removed from our urban green spaces? What about the incredible amount of noise and air pollution that is being added to the atmosphere in their place? We are truly a sick culture if we think this is an acceptable trade-off. I will risk the fucking leaves, thank you very much. Maybe our feral, wretched descendants will use them as currency.

The guy who invented the rake must be rolling in his fucking grave. He’s just lucky he can’t hear it when they blow the leaves off his gravestone.

Happy Dragonfly is happy!

Happy Dragonfly is Happy!

I took this photo the other day and noticed what a huge grin this little dragonfly seems to have. I’m glad she’s happy; it was a beautiful day and she’s the only creature in my backyard my cat didn’t manage to kill or maim.

And so it shall be done…

Butterfly comic

EMP: Now with more laughs and less despair!

Hey everybody. I’ve added a bunch of new links to the blogroll: Crazy Web Comics!

Check out the sidebar (under the Blogroll, which is under the Archives, etc.) for 12 of the funniest comics you can find on the web — and only on the web, since they contain “mature” content that’s apparently not fit for the family newspaper.

Got any great comics that I’m missing? Let me know in the comments.

Believe it or not, this blog was intended to be a humorous, fun, weird place. I originally wanted the blog to live up to its name a little more than it does now (although there are many meanings, connotations, perspectives to be had on my bizarre little name). Yep; Electric Monkey Pants was supposed to be a barrel full of monkeys. But something got mixed up and the monkeys took over the White House and things have been getting steadily worse ever since, which is pretty depressing.

So yeah. Politics, while a big interest of mine, was not supposed to so utterly dominate the blog. It just kind of happened. I felt I had to speak out, even if it all it got me was placed on a list somewhere and the creeped out stares of friends and coworkers.

I’m hoping things get better soon so I can focus on quirky, fun shit, rather than serious, depressing shit. Will Obama deliver that sort of turnaround?

Don’t make me laugh. It’s gonna take a lot more than that. But I think the neocons are weaker than they seem. The cracks are starting show and the juggernaut is beginning to sputter and list to the side. When their ship of fools runs aground I will be the one laughing so hard it sounds like thunder.

George Carlin is no longer with us.

Shit, now I’m pissed off because that fucking cunt left us to fend off all those corporate cocksuckers by ourselves; George was one tough motherfucker but he finally went tits-up.

Carlin had a lot more than seven dirty words to say to us. He was the finest philopsher of our era. Sure, he was funny — wickedly funny at times — but he wasn’t afraid to go ten minutes without a punchline ’cause he was more than a comedian. He was a Stand-up Philosopher.

Gone but not forgotten.

Need a reminder?

I dunno about you, but I almost forgot about twat. Damn!

The Onion has a pretty good track record of not only reporting the news before it happens, but making it funny, too. They’ve been eerily prescient before, but sometimes I forget just how good these guys are!

Just last month I posted a hilarious Onion TV video that featured a supposed al-Qaeda operative arguing with a 9/11 Truther. The video works on many levels, but for me it was funny because the al-Qaeda guy is so obviously spewing Bush administration talking points and desperately trying to claim credit for something clearly beyond their capabilities. He even brings a receipt for flight lessons and brags about his connections to the White House: “Me and Bush, we go out, we hang.”

The idea of al-Qaeda stepping up to defend the Bush administration’s version of events on 9/11 is pretty hilarious, but come on! That’s just over the top, right? It was a good chuckle and then we all moved on.

Apparently somebody thought this wasn’t funny enough in fiction so al-Qaeda has made it real!

Osama bin Laden‘s chief deputy in an audiotape Tuesday accused Shiite Iran of trying to discredit the Sunni al-Qaida terror network by spreading the conspiracy theory that Israel was behind the Sept. 11 attacks.

Just sit back and soak that in. I didn’t make up that quote, amazingly.

One enemy of the U.S./Israel accusing the other of understating the first’s evil is funny enough, but this treads onto satire when al-Zawahri says blaming Israel makes Muslims look stupid!

“The purpose of this lie is clear — (to suggest) that there are no heroes among the Sunnis who can hurt America as no else did in history. Iranian media snapped up this lie and repeated it,” he said.

Haha!! This is straight out of the Bush regime’s racist playbook. Look at the implication: Muslims can be heroes only if they’re terrorists! Only a moron or a stooge would admit such a thing about his own people. Sunni or Shi’ite, you’d think Zawahri would try to unify the sects against the Zionists, but instead he plays right into the Bush regime’s hands by simultaneously defaming Muslims everywhere (as if every Muslim is just itching for a chance to blow himself up!) and sowing divisiveness amongst his people at the same time. Zawahiri is either a tactical moron or a CIA stooge.

Could he actually expect to sway Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad with this argument? Ahmadinejad may be an idiot, a tool and a loudmouth, but he is not a terrorist or a dictator. He is like Putin, a strongman that the people have turned to in order to provide a hedge against U.S. imperialism.

Ahmadinejad knows, like Putin, that the 9/11 attacks were self-inflicted in order to provide a pretext for Bush’s endless wars of conquest (and embarrassment). Heck, even our allies in Japan are starting to question the events of that day. In retrospect it looks like an incredible boon to an administration that has done nothing but evil with the goodwill generated worldwide in response to the tragedy.

Many people say the Bush administration is too incompetent to pull off the attacks and subsequent coverup, but I say al-Qaeda is too incompetent to do … much of anything! Call the Bush team what you will, but they are masters at manipulation and misdirection. They managed to steal two elections and they orchestrated an incredible propaganda campaign to trick the nation into war with Iraq. I remember watching the news back in early 2003 thinking I was living in an endless Twilight Zone episode. And what happened to the treasonous military men, the lying pundits and the architects of this atrocity? Well they’re mostly still around and many of them have been promoted!

People need to realize that the Bush administration isn’t incompetent when it comes to stuff like Katrina: They just don’t give a fuck! … There’s a difference. They look after their own, not a bunch of poor folks who don’t vote Republican anyway.

Al-Qaeda is a CIA-sponsored group whose only role is to draw attention away from the real terrorists. This is common knowledge among the elite, although some still cling to a twisted sort of incompetence theory:

Bin Laden was, though, a product of a monumental miscalculation by western security agencies. Throughout the 80s he was armed by the CIA and funded by the Saudis to wage jihad against the Russian occupation of Afghanistan. Al-Qaida, literally “the database”, was originally the computer file of the thousands of mujahideen who were recruited and trained with help from the CIA to defeat the Russians. Inexplicably, and with disastrous consequences, it never appears to have occurred to Washington that once Russia was out of the way, Bin Laden’s organisation would turn its attention to the west.

Oh, I think it occurred to them alright. It was the plan all along. You think the CIA can’t “take care of” a few jihadis waving around U.S.-made stinger missile launchers? The CIA doesn’t just let anybody play with their toys. They can find you. After all, details about members of al-Qaeda are, by definition, in “The Database.”

That raises another question: Who the fuck would name their terrorist organization after a “structured collection of records or data that is stored in a computer system“?!

I have an idea. I’m going to start an organization dedicated to the Liberation of the Great State of Minnesota from the Oppressive Federal Government of the United States of America. I’m going to name this organization….. Pants!

What do you think? “Pants” … or “Pants!”? … I’m not sure, does the exclamation point sell it?

Anyway, my point is that it’s completely fucking ridiculous. I just made my hypothetical liberation front look clueless, stupid…. and somewhat artistic, I guess. Maybe “al-Qaeda” would make a good, Dadaist band name in Arabic, but it doesn’t do shit for a supposedly committed bunch of terrorists.

Let’s look at other “terrorist” organizations and what kind of names they have (I’ll assign grades based soley on the clarity and effectiveness of the name, not their tactics or ideology):

  • The Islamic Movement of Uzbekistan – localized, religious and grassroots. These guys know how to name a group. Doesn’t lock them into terrorism either. B+
  • The Moroccan Islamic Combatant Group – very straightforward
    ; we know right away they’re into Islam, fighting and Morocco. However, isn’t this a little open-ended? Most groups start with a specific cause… you know, like freeing their homeland or something. These guys just feel “combative”, apparently. It should be no surprise they’re affiliated with al-Qaeda. B-
  • The Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine ( الجبهة الشعبية لتحرير فلسطين ) – very savvy name. They’re playing the populism card, plus you know exactly what their goals are. A
  • The Irish National Liberation Army – once again, very straightforward. You know what they want and who they represent right away. Would this front be as popular if they were named “fishsticks”? I doubt it. B
  • The Covenant, The Sword, and the Arm of the Lord – even though these guys aren’t clear about what they want, it’s obvious they’re into Jesus and swordplay. Kinda makes you wanna learn more about’em too, but not really. I’m giving it a better grade because it rhymes. C+
  • The United Liberation Front of Asom – pretty clear what they’re after here. I like the unity reference; makes you think they’re a big tent liberation front. But like most Americans I didn’t know where the hell Asom is (northeast India). A-

I have to give al-Qaeda a D- for their crappy name. I would give them an F, but the randomness of it is pretty funny… except for the whole killing and murder thing. But that’s the rub; I just don’t buy these guys as terrorist masterminds. They can’t even fucking name themselves right, so why would I think they could pull off 9/11? Even if you say, “okay, maybe ‘The Base’ refers to a military base” it makes no sense because the modus operandi of these guys is supposedly their decentralization. There is no main headquarters. They’re ostensibly a loose-knit group of cells that operate independently, yet aren’t really controlled by Osama either, who is mostly a figurehead who provides funding (or did… he’s probably dead). Let’s face it: “al-Qaeda” probably only makes sense if you don’t speak Arabic.

If you’re still not convinced al-Qaeda is a joke, watch an incredible BBC documentary called The Power of Nightmares. You’ll be glad you did.

As for me, I will continue to worry about the real terrorist organization plaguing this wretched earth: The Central Intelligence Agency. A look at their record exposes the deep hypocrisy of the United States government when it comes to terrorism:

  • You blow up a bus in Whogivesafuckistan? You’re a terrorist.
  • You overthrow a legitimate government and replace it with a puppet government that proceeds to butcher 500,000 of its own people? You’re a hero. Here’s your medal.

Even The Onion can’t make that level of hypocrisy funny.

But where did the 12 crystal skulls come from and do we need to gather them by Dec. 12th, 2012 to stop the Earth from flipping over?!! Anybody know where the 13th skull can be found?! Paging Dr. Indiana Jones…

But though no crystal skull yet found at archaeological digs has proved to be authentic, the 12 located around the world continue to arouse interest and speculation.

Apart from the Paris, London and Smithsonian skulls, nine belong to private individuals — the skull of destiny, the Sha-Na-Ra skull, the synergy skull, the Max skull, the Maya skull, a so-called E.T. skull, the amethyst skull, the reliquary cross skull and the pink crystal skull.

Each skull was supposed to correspond to 12 worlds in which human life was present. They were brought by the Itza, the ancient people of Atlantis, to their civilisation in order to pass on their knowledge to man.

The 13th world, the land, also had its own crystal skull, and all 13 skulls were kept in a great pyramid by the Olmecs, the Mayas and ultimately the Aztecs.

The Aztecs are said to have been responsible for the dispersal and loss of the skulls, which when brought together possessed great powers, including being lined up on the last day of the Maya calendar — December 21, 2012 — to prevent the earth from tipping over.

Yes, this all may be a bunch of mumbo jumbo but I think it’s pretty fucking cool. After all, this is the stuff great movie plots are made from.

Wouldn’t it be cool to own one of these skulls? Imagine whipping it out at parties: “Yeah, this is an ancient Olmec skull that was brought to South America by the escapees from Atlantis. It needs to be gathered with the other skulls on December 21, 2012 or we’re all fucked. Pretty sweet, eh? I had to kill a bunch of Nazis to get it.”

Ah, true fiction. Chicks dig guys with ancient crystal skulls possessing mysterious powers… or so I’ve heard.

APRIL FOOLS!!!

Hahaha, get your hopes up, then they’re smashed with Cheney’s iron fist.

Man, if Cheney’s shotgun diplomacy were unloaded on Wall Street maybe the rest of us wouldn’t have a pot to piss in. So count your blessings. No matter how hard it gets, just remember: Somehow, it could all be worse.

Well, they finally decided to pipe up, and it was on this dude’s TV set during American Idol (go figure).

But before I could turn off the sound, the ad was interrupted by the image of a sixty-something businessmen sitting behind a giant desk in a plush corporate office.

A message ran across the bottom of the screen. It said: “A Message from the American Corporate Plutocracy.”

Go read the whole thing.

Stabberella

This is my new favorite website: Conjugal Harmony

I’m coming to bust you out, BabyBoo! You too, Fisty!

Damn, I wish that site were real. On the other hand, it’s probably good that it isn’t.

Now that I’ve totally degraded myself and delved into the awful pseudo-reality of women’s prisons, I might as well tell you about my new favorite title for a porno. I saw it on Cracked the other day, and it’s got a bunch of hot, naked chicks in a prison setting on the cover. The title is…. ( wait for it )…. 30 Days in the Hole.

You might’ve heard that a huge, mile-long UFO was spotted in Texas last week.

Several dozen people — including a pilot, county constable and business owners — insist they have seen a large silent object with bright lights flying low and fast. Some reported seeing fighter jets chasing it.

Well, that sounds like a weather balloon. Federal officials are sure it was in fact a weather balloon.

While federal officials insist there’s a logical explanation, locals swear that it was larger, quieter, faster and lower to the ground than an airplane.

I’m sure there’s a logical explanation too. Clearly weather balloons have learned how to accelerate and maintain high speeds. It’s the only logical explanation.

Officials at the region’s two Air Force bases — Dyess in Abilene and Sheppard in Wichita Falls — also said none of their aircraft were in the area last week. The Air Force no longer investigates UFOs.

Uhh…. The Air Force hasn’t actually “investigated” anything, and yet they’re sure that it was an earth-based phenomenon. How can this be?

Well you see, the Air Force has a very detailed and complex methodology that they use to figure out what some yokel saw in the skies. I managed to sneak this out of an unnamed AFB undetected. This is very top secret. Click for a larger version.

Trust your government, folks. They would never lie to you.

UPDATE 1.24.08: The Air Force Reserve has completely changed their story.

I love giving free advice, so here’s some for their spokesman, Maj. Karl Lewis…

A hint: If you want people to believe you’re being straight with them, you can’t just change your story two weeks after the event. Dumbass.

Officials at the Joint Reserve Base Naval Air Station in Fort Worth initially said none of their planes had been in the area, but on Wednesday they said 10 F-16s were there that day. The officials said they were mistaken and wanted to set the record straight “in the interest of public awareness.”

They were fucking “mistaken”! Ha! They must’ve sent those ten F-16s up accidentally and not even noticed until they came back 2 weeks later. What a “brilliant” explanation!

I love to see the incompetence card played so poorly.

So now the Air Force looks completely retarded and deceitful. They first claimed that they didn’t have any planes in the area, but now they’re saying they did, but neglecting to mention what kind of plane could elicit this reaction from the natives:

Anne Frazor, who owns a fabric store in Stephenville, about 70 miles southwest of Fort Worth, said many in town have seen military aircraft zoom overhead from time to time as part of training operations. But she said that wasn’t what she saw Jan. 8.”I couldn’t begin to say what it was, but to me it wasn’t planes,” Frazor said.

–snip–

From well-respected business owners to a county constable, several dozen people say they saw a flying object that was larger, quieter, faster and lower to the ground than an airplane. They also said its lights changed configuration, unlike those of a plane.

“I guarantee that what we saw was not a civilian aircraft,” Steve Allen, a pilot and freight company owner, said Wednesday.

This guy would probably recognize an F-16 … or ten of them. And it’s not like the Air Force trains near where the sightings occurred.

The planes’ training area in the Brownwood Military Operating Area includes Stephenville‘s Erath County, but Allen said it does not include the airspace where he saw the object. Also, Jan. 8 was not the only day sightings were reported.

And I daresay the pilot could distinguish 10 F-16s from a half mile-wide object.

So now we can say that the AF is completely full of shit.

Great. Just great. I love being lied to… Oh wait! No I don’t; it fucking sucks, you dicks! Why you gotta be like that, Air Force Reserve?? huh?!! … .. [/frontin']

I suspect the answer is that they were leaned on by more powerful forces.

It’s pretty clear that there are those in power who don’t want this information to get out. I really don’t think people who call UFO coverup conspiracy theorists names like “kooks” are right, simply because it’s so obvious the government has been lying to us. There is plenty of reason to believe the worst if somebody lies to you. Boldly. Repeatedly.

“In the interest of public awareness,” the spokesman said. As if they’ve ever given two shits about “public awareness” before. Where’s the “public awareness” right here?

The U.S. Air Force says it has not investigated UFO sightings since 1969 when it ended Project Blue Book, which examined more than 12,600 reported UFO sightings — including 700 that were never explained.

The studious way they avoid investigating isn’t weird or anything. Riiiight. I totally believe you guys… [rolls eyes]

Don’t you think it’s odd that not investigating something is official government policy?

“It’s official government policy to ignore these weird, unexplained events. Carry about your business, consu- .. uh, .. er… I mean, ‘citizens.’”

Are we supposed to salute?

Fuck this. Give me the truth.