Category : sex

Cheney kills again: DC Madam found "suicided"

Deborah Palfrey, the DC Madam, appears to have met an untimely end.

While it’s possible she was distraught over her recent conviction, she recently declared on the Alex Jones Show that she would “never” commit suicide.

One way or another, she appears to be dead.

Tarpon Springs detectives said a body was found in a small storage shed on the west side of the mobile home. Handwritten notes were found that describe the victim’s intention to take her life, and foul play does not appear to be involved.

Palfrey, 52, reportedly was staying with her mother Blanche at the Sun Valley Mobile Home Park, 167 Cypress Ave.

Hmm… a lady who had threatened to reveal the names of many high-powered clients turns up dead and everybody in the press and police force yells “suicide.” Maybe I’m cynical, but I don’t buy it. Many, many people wanted her dead and her list of names buried forever.

Vice President Cheney was rumored to be on that list.

I’m afraid it makes this post look a little less like a joke.

So apparently I have a blog or something. Wouldn’t it be nice if I updated it every now and then?

Sorry for the nearly-a-month gap between updates. I’ve been busy, depressed, sick, busy and exhausted. And busy.

A lot has changed, but much more hasn’t. I get sick of the same old shit. It’s just depressing to have to contend with the fact that we’ve got a crew of fascists in the White House and no one seems to care, especially not Congress.

Similar to Hitler and Nazis we may have to wait for them to cause their own undoing. That seems like the way things are going: The Fed and Bush admin have completely fucked our economy to the point where I’m wondering whether I should move somewhere the hell else.

They said an emergency cut by the US Federal Reserve to its discount rate and a weekend deal for JPMorgan Chase to buy Bear Stearns at a fire-sale price had added to a sense of crisis sweeping through global financial markets.

The volatility spilled over into commodities Monday as oil prices soared to fresh highs and gold prices jumped as investors looked to safe-havens.

The fact that the government is bailing out mega-rich corporations at the expense of regular-joe taxpayers almost doesn’t even register in my mind. We’ve got bigger fish to fry: The stability of the economy as a whole is threatened.

It’s important to realize that the US dollar is a fiat currency, backed by nothing but promises. There’s no gold backing, no silver; nothing. It’s paper. It’s backed only by the promise of the government that its citizens will continue being productive and paying their taxes. But if the economy goes even lower into the pit of doom it’s falling in, then the American taxpayer will have trouble paying for much of anything. Houses are foreclosing and jobs are dwindling. There’s no end in sight so we don’t know whether this will be just a minor correction (read: recession) or a major depression.

It’s looking more and more like a depression.

There’s a lot of baggage here. The dollar has been inflated in value for years and now the cows are coming home to roost ontop of the chickens who wanted to be elsewhere but couldn’t afford transport because of high gas prices.

But’s the subprime mortgage mess that’s really triggering this downfall. Those same loans kept the economy afloat a few years ago, but now they’re acting more like a millstone. So, in order to save us from economic ruin, the Bush admin is robbing us of our own money. This money will be sent to the enormous banks who fucked us in the first place:

This week, Bernanke’s Fed, for the first time in its history, loaned a selected coterie of banks one-fifth of a trillion dollars to guarantee these banks’ mortgage-backed junk bonds. The deluge of public loot was an eye-popping windfall to the very banking predators who have brought two million families to the brink of foreclosure.

Up until Wednesday, there was one single, lonely politician who stood in the way of this creepy little assignation at the bankers’ bordello: Eliot Spitzer.

The Spitzer scandal proves once again that the most horrible thing any politician can ever do is have sex.

You can start illegal wars, violate every American’s 4th amendment rights simultaneously, give away billions to rich cronies, display utter incompetence and total hypocrisy, but God help you if you have sex with somebody who’s not your wife! (the solution is obvious)

Oh well. Spitzer was a hypocrite, too. He should’ve moved for legalized prostitution when he had the chance. But what really burns me is how we hold (or don’t hold) politicians accountable. Spitzer’s indiscretions are mostly a matter of concern for his wife; it’s none of our fucking business (ha!). Bush’s crimes are at a war-crime level or higher. Yet he is protected by the Democratic Congress as if he were one of their own.

Well, I guess he is.

The truth is that the ruling class looks after their own. Spitzer was standing in the way of economic progress so he had to go. Of course “economic progress” is just a euphemism for wealth redistribution; from the poor to the rich.

In the end, we’re on our own. The rich will look after themselves/each other, but they will only think about us insofar as we are necessary to their survival. It’s foolish naivety to believe otherwise, I’m afraid. They’ll save their servents before us, simply because they want someone to serve them hot toddies in the underground bunkers.

So my advice is: watch the markets. If there’s a run on the banks you’ll want to be first in line to get your cash. Remember, only the first 10% will get their money out. Everybody else is completely fucked if the FDIC doesn’t have a couple trillion laying around.

Of course what do I know? I’m just a simple peasant giving advice to other peasants on how to deal with an economic system invented by the nobles for the benefit of the nobles. There’s really not much we can do.

But you might be wise to avoid listening to the mouthpieces of the nobles. Their advice is usually self-serving at best. Perhaps even scarier is the idea that the high priests of the economy have no fucking idea what’s happening or how to stop it.

Sounds like a good time for a deus ex machina. Somebody must’ve seen this debacle coming, right? We need a white knight but all I see are charlatans, jokers and sycophants. Hoping for a miracle doesn’t seem like a very good strategy, but what other choice do we have?

Stabberella

This is my new favorite website: Conjugal Harmony

I’m coming to bust you out, BabyBoo! You too, Fisty!

Damn, I wish that site were real. On the other hand, it’s probably good that it isn’t.

Now that I’ve totally degraded myself and delved into the awful pseudo-reality of women’s prisons, I might as well tell you about my new favorite title for a porno. I saw it on Cracked the other day, and it’s got a bunch of hot, naked chicks in a prison setting on the cover. The title is…. ( wait for it )…. 30 Days in the Hole.

Ladies and gentleman, I have just read the stupidest article ever written. It was awful. So awful I can hardly think; in fact, I think I just lost 5 IQ points… which still puts me 130 ahead of the author of the shittiest, most servile, most idiotic article ever written.

His name is John Cloud and he masquerades as a journalist for Time magazine. He has apparently managed to learn how to read and write, but I have no idea how given his feeble mental faculties.

Many of you may have already read this article, but I just found it today as I was catching up on some reading. Here I am, flipping through Time and I see a story called “The Psychology of Hypocrisy” which is about the recent Republican sex scandals, including Larry “Wide Stance” Craig, the homo-hating Senator from Idaho.

Cloud takes them to task, right? He presents an in-depth analysis of how the perverted mind of sanctimonious fucks like Larry Craig works, right?

No. The “article” is a six paragraph defense of hypocrites like Craig. Cloud claims — with a straight face — that poor Craig is a victim! A victim of his own “moral weakness” and not a hypocrite at all!

The real bad guys — of course — are the evil bloggers and their readers who have tormented poor Larry and his “friends”.

For a legion of bloggers, what’s so delectable about these stories is the apparent hypocrisy, the dissonance between the outwardly conservative politics of these men and their private same-sex behavior. But while these guys may be liars–Craig’s “wide stance” inanity has already entered the world-historical lexicon of political b.s.–it’s not clear that they are conniving hypocrites.

It’s “not clear”? It’s not fucking clear that they’re hypocrites?! If you’re deaf, dumb, blind and live on Mars it might not be clear, but if you have half a fucking brain you know they’re hypocrites! Shit, even the Republicans know that, but Mr. John Cloud is far stupider than a Republican. He’s a Vichy Democrat; you know the kind: The Hillary-voting kind who would let Bush attack Iran with no justification whatsoever. Republicans may be evil, but at least I can respect them; the Vichy Democrats are contemptible, spineless weasels who aren’t worth a pint of warm piss.

Hypocrisy is among the most universal and well-studied of psychological phenomena, and the research suggests that Craig, Haggard and the others may be guilty not so much of moral hypocrisy as moral weakness. The distinction may sound trivial at first, but as a society, we tend to forgive the weak and shun the hypocritical.

Trivial? No, the distinction is utterly fallacious and disingenuous. It makes me think he knows he’s full of shit.

John Cloud is the perfect example of a sell-out journalist hack. He afflicts the afflicted and comforts the comfortable because he’s a boot-licking shill for his corporate masters and has no soul left. Real journalists do the reverse, of course, but I’m not expecting that much from Mr. Cloud. Just a lucid thought or two would impress me at this point.

Assume for a moment that Craig and Haggard actually believed what they said–that homosexuality is sin. They spent most of their lives fighting for the conservative cause. But in Craig’s case, the Idaho Statesman has published allegations that there were at least three other slipups involving men, beginning in 1967. What if, like the radio host who gets fat but commits to losing weight, the moralizers were trying through their “pro-family” endeavors to expiate their lustful sins?

Let me explain this to Mr. Cloud as succinctly as possible since we might be looking at a buffer-overflow if I use to many big words: If you go around saying homosexuality is immoral and a sin while you’re secretly engaging in homosexual activity then you are a hypocrite! End of story. How hard is this to understand?

I certainly agree that people should be forgiven for most moral failures, but this is not just a “slipup.” Maybe Cloud “accidentally” fucks other men in the ass so he and Craig are kindred, klutzy spirits, but most of us do not have that problem (throughout the article Cloud implies homosexuality is indeed a moral failure). But it’s clear that this is a pattern in Larry Craig’s life, going back, at least to 1967.

Here’s a thought: If you have a “moral failing” that leads you to accidentally get blowjobs from other men, maybe you shouldn’t get on a stage and tell people that homosexuality is sinful behavior that only degenerates and Democrats engage in! Maybe if Larry Craig didn’t want to be a hypocrite he could have, I dunno, NOT RUN FOR SENATOR????!!! Maybe he could have (just a thought here) NOT DEMONIZED HOMOSEXUALS AT EVERY FUCKING OPPORTUNITY FOR 40 YEARS!!!!!??

…Just a thought. Clearly, it’s one that John Cloud didn’t think of while he was standing in line at men’s room outside of Larry Craig’s office. Maybe this is all a closeted homosexual thing and cognitive dissonance has set in, but I kind of doubt it. I think it’s more likely that John Cloud is an intellectual whore and his opinions are up for auction to the highest bidder. But even that is charitable. Worst case: the guy really is as stupid as I’ve been saying.

You may think they are wrong about homosexuality (I do), but that doesn’t make them hypocrites.

No, John, they are hypocrites, and no amount of waffling on your part will disguise that. In fact, they are textbook hypocrites.

Hey, I know! Why don’t I consult a “dictionary” (it’s a book where words are defined, Mr. Cloud). Here’s Merriam-Webster’s definition of hypocrite:

1 : a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion
2 : a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings

Hmmm…. “false appearance of virtue” … does that sound like Mr. Larry “wide stance” Craig?

Craig never said anything like, “Homosexuality is wrong and immoral, but I am not a perfect man. Indeed, sometimes I like to head down to public bathrooms near my house and solicit gay men for sex.” Nope, Larry Craig always implied that he was a paragon of (hetero) virtue. How else do you get elected Senator in a red state?

Clearly, the man has acted in contradiction to his stated beliefs. It’s right there in black & white, but John Cloud is intent on casting a cloud of confusion over the matter when this is probably one of the most clear-cut, bald-faced acts of hypocrisy (that we know about) in modern politics. Only Mark Foley can hold a candle to Larry Craigs hypocrisy.

Is there anybody out there who isn’t convinced that what I’ve described is hypocrisy? Is there anybody out there who actually agrees with John Cloud that poor Larry and Mark are victims of a cruel and fickle public?

How is it that I, a lowly, potty-mouthed, mudslinging blogger was able to tear into this article with such ease? No doubt others have already done the same; how did Cloud’s piece of shit article get past his editor? Do they not have dictionaries at Time headquarters? Budget cutbacks, perhaps?

It makes me wonder if stupidity is actually valued in the mainstream press because stupid people will never investigate how the Corporate Oligarchy r
eally works. Everybody knows what goes on in Washington… Or do we? Without better reporters than John Cloud the Clown we’ll never know for sure.

So what of Mr. Cloud, then? How did this idiot manage to write the stupidest article ever written? Was it training? Nature? Nurture? Luck?

Who cares; the man is a fucking moron. What amazes me is that this guy is a journalist at a mainstream publication and they haven’t canned his ass yet. How fucking stupid can you be and still keep your job? Near as I can tell John Cloud has only one person in serious contention with him for that award and his name is George.

Then again, maybe both of them were chosen for their stupidity, rather than in spite of it. I guess, in both cases, the joke is on us: The morons are in control and livin’ the good life while the rest of us suffer like fools under their mindless tyrrany.

Life’s not just unfair … it’s fucking stupid. Maliciously so.

Check out the above video. It’s just about the coolest thing I have ever seen. My initial thought was “this has got to be fake” but Zcorp is a real corporation and the process seems plausible, especially the way that simple models take several hours to “print” out.

I didn’t know such things were possible, but it looks like somebody found a way. I guess they took inkjet and laserjet technology and added a 3rd dimension to it (thus, the “Z”, as in the Z-axis), using some sort of plaster-like material to form the objects. I just think it’s so amazing that they got this crazy-ass idea to work. I bet it doesn’t come cheap, though.

What’s more, scientists are using similar technology to try and “print” organs (like, as in human organs) at the cellular level. Imagine a world where waiting for a liver transplant doesn’t involve waiting for a donor but waiting for the printer to finish. Of course, the error messages will get that much more annoying: “Out of BioInk. Please insert fresh flesh cartridge. Or you will die.”

I can only imagine that something this powerful would be insanely expensive. If this technology is going to come down to the masses we’re going to have to get the word out to the people who matter, the people who can really make a difference. Yes, that’s right: Pornographers. Once the porn industry gets ahold of this and starts making life-sized models in a big-ass printer the world will never quite the same.

Of course, you can already predict which organs will be the first to reach the mainstream. Just be careful what you ask for when you go to the printer.

The Office of Vice President Dick Cheney told an agency within the National Archives that for purposes of securing classified information, the Vice President’s office is not an ‘entity within the executive branch’ according to a letter released Thursday by the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform. [/digg]

See? This is why Dick needs hookers (and hooker disposal services) — being the master of a super-governmental agency, floating above the executive, legislative and judicial branches is tough work.

Hookers. Dick needs hookers.

Ladies and gentlemen of the internet, today I would like to introduce a bill for consideration by The Congress of the United States of America. Please join me in supporting this critical piece of legislation.

In the rough and tumble world of politics a man needs a chance to unwind at the end of the day so he can face tomorrow refreshed and ready to go. This is especially important when that man is engaged in the stressful task of starting wars and silencing enemies. Isn’t it time to give back to the man who has taken so very much? I hope you’ll join me in lobbying Congress to pass The Dick Cheney Hooker Disposal Act of 2007.

Full text of this important bill:

110th CONGRESS
1st Session
H. R. 6660

To amend the Department of Hookers and Cheap Cigars Department Act of 1914, and for other purposes.

IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

June 18, 2007


A BILL

To amend the Department of Hookers and Cheap Cigars Department Act of 1914, and for other purposes.

Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled,

SECTION 1. SHORT TITLE.

This Act may be cited as the The Dick Cheney Hooker Disposal Act of 2007″.

SEC. 2. It shall be resolved forthwith that—

(a) Any prostitutes the Vice President of the United States of America, His Honor Richard B. Cheney wishes to dispose of shall have duly deposited into the account relating to her post-use period via her microchip implant a credit of not less than 8,000 U.S. dollars and not more than 1 million ($1,000,000) U.S. dollars, plus free shipping in Wyoming.

(b) Definitions- For purposes of this section—

(1) The term “prostitute” shall be defined as “a woman who for whatever reason has sex with Dick Cheney and is not his wife” and shall be used throughout this bill.

(2) The term “hooker” shall have identical meaning herein.

(3) The term “pimp” shall refer to the business associate of a hooker

(c) All prostitutes shall be supplied by Madam Palfrey or a duly appointed representative (or “Pimp”).

SEC. 3. Hooker disposal in accordance with Hooker Disbursement and Collection Agency (HDCA) rules and regulations

(a) All prostitutes must be disposed of in a method befitting the secreting of all evidence of prostitute fucking and killing from the general public. Since they never read these bills, they’ll never fucking know. Therefore, all prostitute remains must be remanded to the control of the Chief Deputy of the Hooker Disbursement and Collection Agency (HDCA) or his duly appointed representative.

(b) It is resolved that hooker remains must be deposited into—

(1) The cement foundation of new buildings or

(2) Blended with molten steal

(c) So as to ensure no evidence will be found of the Department of Hookers and Cheap Cigars Department Act of 1914, and all subsequent legislation, including this Act.

(d) Furthermore, it is resolved that Dick Cheney’s hooker disposal is hereby given utmost priority over other hooker disposal requirements, including

(1) The President’s (POTUS) Playboy Bunnys Get Fucked Department and related activities, known as Section 69-G, and

(2) all other hooker disposal priorities.

SEC. 4. It is further resolved that funding for this act shall—

(a) Be acquired by secretly re-routing funds appropriated to the Faking Unsolicited Concern for Kids, Orphans, Females and Freedom (FUCKOFF) Act of 1969 and

(b) From the Central Intelligence Agency’s (C.I.A.) Secret Slush Fund for Hookers and Blow.


You may be wondering if I’m serious. You’re damn right I’m serious.

We live in an age of unprecedented government corruption and corporate malfeasance and few people seem to care. The point of this admittedly cynical satire to make people think. In my wildest wet dream this bill would be introduced and even debated on the floor of House of Representatives. I don’t expect them to pass it; shit, I’d be the first to say they should vote against it.

Getting the bill passed is not the point. I’d just like to see a member of the House introduce it to make a point about how incredibly corrupt and evil our government has become. There are so many secret or just oft-ignored parts of the government all running around doing god-knows-what with the trillions of dollars the taxpayers have given them, it’s hard to imagine the government is even aware of what its doing.

Like an octopus with a million tentacles a few must inevitably be up to no good. A few errant tentacles I can accept but when a man like Dick Cheney take
s control of the Octopus’ cranium and controls it so effectively I begin to wonder if maybe corruption is the plan. Cheney’s deft control of the war machine revealed that corruption is not the exception; it’s the norm. And if he’s ordered a prostitute or two? Well, maybe reality is more corrupt and decrepit than my darkest nightmares.

Please, join me in supporting a bill that you don’t really support. It’s a crazy choice for crazy times.

We can’t depend on Laura to manage this task. If she was doing her job we wouldn’t be at war right now. There’s only one person who can give the president the blow job he so desperately needs. There’s only one person whose undying devotion and selfless emasculation could possibly sway Bush. There’s only one person who could possibly imagine giving Bush the fellatio that could free us all from his despotic regime. One person… one man. Tony Blair.


Come on, Tony. You owe us this much. Give Bush a BJ and get caught!… so we can impeach him. It’s a dirty job, but you owe us big-time, Tony. Pucker up.

Dick Cheney involved with Hookergate?

Wayne Madsen is reporting that Dick Cheney is a possible client of the DC Madam Deborah Jeane Palfrey’s “escort service” — which translates in my mind as “high-priced hookers.”

The individual, who is definitely “newsworthy,” reportedly engaged the services of Palfrey’s escort firm while he was the CEO and maintained a residence off Chain Bridge Road in the Ballantrae neighborhood in McLean, Virginia, a few blocks from the headquarters of the CIA.”

WMR has confirmed with extremely knowledgeable CIA and Pentagon sources that the former CEO who is on Deborah Jeane Palfrey’s list is Vice President Dick Cheney. Cheney was CEO of Halliburton during the time of his liaisons with the Pamela Martin & Associates escort firm. Palfrey’s phone invoices extend back to 1996 and include calls to and from Cheney.

Madsen’s confirmation appears to rest partially on the fact that Cheney had a residence in the Ballantrae neighborhood. I have independently confirmed that Cheney did in fact have a house in that neighborhood starting in 2000.

For example, on Jan. 12, 2000, Vice President Richard B. Cheney bought a property for $1.35 million on Chain Bridge Road, one of the top-end streets in McLean — one of the richest parts of Fairfax County, which is one of the richest counties in the United States.

Watch the corporate media bury this story at the bottom of the Potomac.

5-23-07 UPDATE: The story gets weirder. Palfrey’s lawyer has issued a non-non-confirmation leading Roll Call writer Emily Heil to say that “Cheney isn’t not on the list.” What that means is unclear, but I’ll keep an eye on this story. Wayne Madsen, for his part, stands by his reporting and has a new update with additional details on how the 20/20 story was killed by Disney-owned ABC execs, apparently under pressure from the White House.

Like I said, we need blow jobs to sink the Bush administration. Apparently starting a war on false premises is A-OK with the American public. Sex is a different story.

Seriously.

This is not some sick joke.

It actually fucking happened. (don’t look if you don’t want to see exploded whale entrails)

Residents of Tainan learned a lesson in whale biology after the decomposing remains of a 60-ton sperm whale exploded on a busy street, showering nearby cars and shops with blood and organs and stopping traffic for hours.

The 56-foot-long whale had been on a truck headed for a necropsy by researchers, when gases from internal decay caused its entrails to explode in the southern city of Tainan.

Holy fucking shitty exploding whale, Batman! That’s pretty fucked up. Even weirder is the Tainan-folk’s strange obsession with the whale’s enormous cock. I guess, I shouldn’t call it a cock, because a whale’s penis is actually called “dork”, or so decades of pop culture has told me. So, the whale had an abnormally large dork.

Once moved to a nearby nature preserve, the male specimen — the largest whale ever recorded in Taiwan — drew the attention of locals because of its large penis, measured at some five feet, the Taipei Times reported.

Holy five-foot dorks, Batman! This whale had everything. Oh, how horrible it must be for him to be dead at the top of his game. I bet he didn’t think his career was going to explode — literally! He missed his chance at an amazing career as a porn star. Willy Wiggler, they’d call him. He coulda been somebody.

Or maybe he already was somebody. Maybe he had a series of underground tapes, the hottest shit around. His five-foot schlong had earned him wealth and fame and everything he ever wanted, like chum.

But it also brought him something he didn’t need — temptation. Booze, drugs, illicit sex, sperm-shooting — the works. He finally decided to end it all just as mainstream success was breaking. Oh cruel fate, how you’ve robbed us all. Robbed us of Willy Wiggler, super-sperm whale of the sea. Whale on, Willy.

Whale on.

"Girls shouldn’t read big books"

I was on reddit today when I saw this awfulness:

I work at a bookstore. I was cashiering today when a woman and her two kids (a boy and a girl, both somewhere between 13-15) came up to the register. The mom was buying 2 celeb gossip magazines, and the boy put down a book. The girl then walked up and set down the newest volume of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series.

The mom says “You can’t buy that.”

Girl: Why?
Mom: Because it’s too big.
Girl: [Brother] is buying a book that big. It’s not very expensive.
Mom: [Brother] is a boy. You’re a girl. And girls shouldn’t read big books like that. It’s too thick. Boys don’t like girls who read thick books. You want boys to like you, don’t you?

The girl went and put the book away.

Just one more example of stupidity in our world, but this really has to win an award or something. First off, I dig intelligent girls; especially if they have cute glasses. This mom is a fucking retard.

You know, we often blame men or pop culture for brainwashing young girls into being Britney Spears clones with no brains or ambition to do anything but strip, but I think that that assumption is, in itself, sexist. As this little scenario makes clear, sometimes it’s women who most brutally oppress and put-down each other.

I don’t know why this lady is trying to raise her daughter to be an empty-headed slut, but I suspect it has something to do with the bitch being an empty-headed slut herself. Dear daughter might’ve shown signs of actual intelligence, which dear mother perceived as a threat. Maybe she’s afraid her daughter will soon realize that her mom is a pill-popping whore who is too stupid and weak to do anything for herself, so she had to spread her legs and ensnare the first man who fell into her trap. I hope the daughter will be able to overcome her mom’s stupid-slut programming, but it won’t be easy.

It shocks me that this coversation took place in the age of Harry Potter. Those books are thick and they are written by a woman (with cute glasses) who has married a nice man and made a billion dollars doing what she loves. Obviously the mom isn’t a thousandth of the person that J.K. Rowling is, but that only makes the comparison more stark.

The mom in the scenario above is a fucking useless piece of guttertrash and she deserves to fucking suffer for what she’s doing to her own kids. Fuck her and may she burn in hell… BUT … after reading this story I don’t want to hear about how men are oppressing women and all that shit. Sure, it’s true to some extent, but who do young girls trust most and look up to most for guidance in this world? Their mothers of course. And if this is what mothers are still teaching their daughters then why should I have to get blamed for somehow oppressing women or holding them down? Let’s not stereotype, people. It’s so easy to blame men for all of the problems that women face, but that’s a lazy and unfair (and bigoted) mistake.

You know, I’m having trouble finding a beautiful, brainy girl. Stupid cunts like this mother are probably part of the reason why (and yeah, my dirty mouth might be part of it… but do you disagree with my characterization?). Girls: don’t listen to the fucking useless twats who think they know what guys want. I’m a guy, and I want a girl who’s brilliant and funny. If only that was possible. I guess this world does all it can snuff her light out lest it shine too bright.

This is an Electric Monkey Pants Intergalactic News Network special report!

Porn-star Ron Jeremy has confessed to masterminding the attacks of September 11, 2001 along with his long-lost brother Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. “We did it,” Ron Jeremy wrote in his confession, calling the mysterious collapse of the towers “the money shot.”

Also confessing was Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (or “KSM” as he is known to lazy Americans). KSM had long eluded capture by the Americans by disguising himself as a grizzly bear. Later it was revealed that it wasn’t a disguise; he is just really, really hairy. He twice escaped captivity by pretending to be a dog with rabies, but was recaptured while picking nits and lice out of his fur.

Calling themselves the Hairy Brothers of Destruction, Mr. Jeremy and KSM confessed to a long list of crimes against humanity.

Authorities also seized a hard drive containing details of several assassination plots (including attempts to kill the Pope, Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter’s gardener), and hundreds of gigs of midget porn, bestiality porn, and pictures of Ron Jeremy rubbing KSM with sandpaper in what appears to be an attempt at hair removal.

The deranged duo admitted to being tortured by federal agents, and hinted at Abu Ghraib-style torture involving being stacked in a pile of naked men and being led around on a leash. They also indicated that they kind of liked it.

While enjoying a breakfast of bacon and eggs the confessed masterminds of 9/11 assured their interrogators that they were devout Muslims and that their confession was not coerced: “Karl Rove didn’t call me and ask for a confession in exchange for 30 Brazilian hookers. Nothing like that happened, at all” Mr. Jeremy assured his captors, who then fed the revelations to several unquestioning, servile reporters, including this one.

KSM supplied a type-written note that listed all of the crimes the duo is responsible for masterminding. The list includes:

  • the bombing of U.S. Cole
  • the decapitation of Daniel Pearl
  • the planting of explosives that brought down WTC 7
  • farting in the interrogation room — twice
  • the bombing of a nightclub in Bali, Indonesia
  • jump-starting Paris Hilton’s career
  • the Democrats’ strong showing in the November elections
  • happy-slapping
  • Abu-Ghraib (specifically: getting the Americans caught)
  • Hurricane Katrina
  • eye-boogers
  • killing Anna Nicole Smith
  • causing President Bush to appear stupid and clueless on TV
  • the Hindenburg disaster
  • pimples
  • the estate tax
  • the illusion of global warming (to scare hippies)
  • the Oklahoma City bombing
  • Watergate
  • killing Jesus Christ (and Old Yeller)

Ron Jeremy supplied an identical list, but he crossed out “Paris Hilton” and wrote “virneeral dizees”, then crossed that out and wrote “VD.”

The above information was provided to reporters on the condition that we not mention Alberto Gonzales, the word “impeachment” or the many inconsistencies in the official 9/11 story for 3 weeks. Naturally, we agreed because we just repeat whatever they say anyway.

[ed.: wait... were we supposed to repeat that last part?... i'd better call karl. hold till then]

This has been an Electric Monkey Pants Intergalactic News Network (EMPINN) special report!