Electric Monkey Pants

I don’t know if you noticed, but I started adding the time to my blog entries. This way I can post several times a day without confusing things. This also encourages all you internet wackos out there to check back here obsessively. Speaking of that, my birthday is coming up soon, so make sure you finish up those huge, overwrought gifts that’ve you’ve been spending countless hours on, okay?

You all know I’m kidding, of course. I know very well that nobody actually reads this ‘blog. I can check my web stats, ya know. Of course, it’s not like I’ve been a consistent blogger or anything, and it’s not like I’ve even advertised my site. A few of my friends stumbled on it, and I was like, “what, you actually go to my website periodically? Psycho. Stay away!!” Or not. Actually, though, I was quite surprised. It means I’m not writing into a gaping void. And here I thought that the best place to keep a journal was on the internet where everybody is too busy looking at porn to care. I figure if I wrote stuff down on a secret diary people might actually see the book and be curious. This way, I was sure, nobody would give a rat’s ass. Then I found out my mom was reading my blog. The horror. The HORROR! I saw an Onion article about it recently, and it hit a little too close to home, as they often do. Anyway, that was a while ago; maybe she’s moved on to more stimulating ventures like dusting the blinds.

I keep ragging on my blog’s lack of excitement for good reason, methinks. I don’t read blogs. None except Tom Tomorrow’s, that is. And his is a political blog; there are very few rants about the poor quality of American salsa.

Okay, you asked for it. I’m declaring jihad on crappy American salsa. Having tasted the real thing down in Mexico I realized that I can never go back. The only salsa you can buy up here in MN is that corporate sludge that has no taste. It’s always labelled as “SUPER-MEGA CHUNKY” or “SO MANY GODDAMN CHUNKS YOU’LL FUCKING HORK!!!” This is, at least, true advertising. There are so many chunks of crap that you can’t even fit them on a regular sized chip. That’s probably why they started making those huge corn ships that are about 18 inches long. Anyway, my point is this: FUCK CHUNKS! Give me some goddamned flavor! Where’s the spice! I bought a “medium” salsa the other day and it tasted like fucking ketchup. No wonder salsa has surpassed ketchup as the condiment in this country; nobody can tell the fucking difference! And, before you ask, I could not find a “Hot” or at least “Medium-Warm” salsa anywhere; that’s why I went with that godawful medium shite.

You may be concerned about war or terrorism. Fuck that; why can’t we get some decent salsa up north. That’s my biggest concern. Okay, I’m kidding, but it really does bother me. Salsa in Mexico (at least the stuff I had) comes in two flavors: Hot and Burn Your Tongue Off. I prefer the latter. And the chunks that were in there were chunks of flavor and spice! Oh sweet rapture! It was excellent. The Mexicans puree their salsa so it’s smoother, with smaller chunks that you don’t have to cut up with a knife or worry about choking to death on. And God I love the flavor; it makes me feel alive! My friends make fun of me for being obsessed with Ceasar dressing and A1 sauce, and stuff like that, but I don’t limit myself to those kinds of flavors. I like anything that has kick to it and a pleasing flavor, which is admittedly a very subjective thing. Suck the marrow out of life, that’s what I say. And then gnaw on the bone to see if you missed any flavor. When I was a kid I used to grab a box of Macaroni & Cheese and rip open the cheese packet and just eat that. Screw the noodles. I only ate those (dry and uncooked) so my mom would buy more. Damn, if I could buy those cheese packets in bulk…

Anyway, this rant does have a happy ending, because there is one place where you can find good salsa. I haven’t seen it in the stores yet, but Chipotle has excellent salsa. Their hot sauce doubles as salsa. Put some in your burrito or just have it with some of their chips, which are, I might add, authentic Mexican-style. I’ve been obsessed with Chipotle for awhile now, and given the lines that form at lunchtime downtown so is everybody else. Pretty soon it’ll be a lame, omnipresent corporate chain, but I don’t care as long as the food stays good. If they show up on every street corner like Subways and Starbucks, more power to’em. I’m willing to accept that in order to have good salsa in Minnesota. They say eating spicy food makes you happy. Damn straight.