Electric Monkey Pants

I just had a story idea wherein Tom Selleck rules the entertainment universe. I pictured myself waking up in an alternate universe; one in which Tom Selleck decided to do the original Indiana Jones movie, and thus, Harrison Ford was never offered the role. This sets forth a chain of events which complete alters the world. Bill Clinton never becomes president, the Terminator never gets made, and thus Arnold Schwartzenegger never rises beyond Conan: The Barbarian and into superstardom. He never becomes governor either, obviously. Initially, the changes are limited to Hollywood, but they spread out like a virus, inexorably changing our world completely.

What do you think? Too cheesy? Well, duh. The idea of Tom Selleck playing the role of Indiana Jones is cheesy, but that didn’t stop Spielberg and Lucas from offering him the role. What were they thinking?! What was he thinking?! I mean, come on, if Steven Spielbergo (his non-union, Mexican equivalent) offered me the role of “Guy Who Gets Hit With a Bat in Every Scene (for real)” I’d take it! This goes along with Will Smith getting offered the role of “Neo” in the Matrix. I like Will Smith, but that would’ve completely changed the tone of the film. Yes, I’ve seen Will Smith in Six Degrees of Separation and it seems he can act (better than Keanu, many would say), but he’s always so damn chipper. I like Keanu’s brooding, even boring, take on Neo. He made for a good computer hacker in the first one. As for the 2nd & 3rd movies, well, I don’t agree with the direction they took, but it’s too late to complain now.

Personally, I thought it should’ve been more about freeing the people stuck in the Matrix, not this “save Zion” crap. Who cares?! Talk about a stupid plot idea. It must’ve taken them, what, 0.3 seconds to come up with that one? The idea of mentally and physically freeing millions of people from the Matrix is a much more complex one. It would’ve been much more difficult to write and film, but ultimately, it would’ve been more rewarding, I think. They could have still included many of the new characters, like the Merovingian, but in a different way. That said, the movies weren’t bad, and were even kind of thought-provoking (kind of), but in no way did they measure up to the first movie.