Electric Monkey Pants

Oh, well that’s a relief.

A CIA unit that had hunted for Osama bin Laden and his top deputies for a decade has been disbanded, according to a published report.

Citing unnamed intelligence officials, The New York Times reported Tuesday that the unit, known as “Alec Station,” was shut down late last year.

The decision to close the unit, which was created before the September 11, 2001, attacks, was first reported Monday by National Public Radio.

Whew! That was a close one. I thought there might be some dangerous activities than Bin Laden was involved in, but the government knows best, right?

Haha, just kidding. I’m not really worried about this. It just means that the government knows what I’ve been suspecting: Osama Bin Laden is already dead. His kidney problems must’ve done him in. A man with a portable dialysis machine does not go running willy-nilly through the mountains of Afghanistan. He’s fuckin’ dead. Stick a fork in him. Toast.

I’d celebrate if this could be confirmed. Bin Laden and Ken Lay? What a great two-fer! Except Bin Laden has probably been dead for years. Well, that’s no reason not to celebrate!… but wait? Why isn’t the government telling us? Could it be they are, like me, simply waiting for confirmation? Or could it be that they don’t want to know for sure since they like to use Bin Laden as an all-purpose boogie man, especially to win elections?

Well, as long as Bush isn’t concerned about Bin Laden, neither am I. The president could never be wrong, of course. None of this stinks to high-heaven. No weirdness going on at all. Why don’t we all stop thinking critically and remember that asking Bush tough questions makes baby Jesus cry.