Electric Monkey Pants

The BBC is reporting that 100% of Irish Euros were found to have traces of cocaine on them by a recent study.

Researchers used the latest forensic techniques that would detect even the tiniest fragments to study a batch of 45 used banknotes. The scientists at Dublin’s City University said they were “surprised by their findings”.

Some of the notes had such high levels of cocaine on them that it is thought they were used to snort the drug.

Others had much lower traces and may have been cross-contaminated, perhaps in the wallets or pockets of users.

Man, Ireland. Maybe it’s time to slow down, okay? I think you’ve had enough.

Since they studied with only 45 notes it’s quite possible that a percentage closer to 95% would result from a more randomized study including thousands of bills. Presumably a bank note fresh from the bank would be free of cocaine traces. … Presumably.

The study also found that higher value banknotes, such as 20 and 50 euros, were more likely to contain greater traces of the drug.

Hmm… so that means that rich people handle a lot of coke. (Presumably) Perhaps the rising cocaine usage rates in Ireland are the result of a burgeoning business class. They like to party you know, after a big sale or meeting or whatever. Lotsa 50s flyin’ around to pay for drinks and to stuff in a stripper’s outfit, I’m sure. But I’m sure this will be mostly blamed on the poor and destitute, some of whom may use coke or speed to stay awake so they can work two 8 hour shifts. I’m sure the cops will continue to hassle the lower class while the upper class gets away with everything. That’s the way it’s always been.

So put down the coke, Ireland. Chill. … Smoke a doobie if you need to calm down.