Electric Monkey Pants

Seriously.

This is not some sick joke.

It actually fucking happened. (don’t look if you don’t want to see exploded whale entrails)

Residents of Tainan learned a lesson in whale biology after the decomposing remains of a 60-ton sperm whale exploded on a busy street, showering nearby cars and shops with blood and organs and stopping traffic for hours.

The 56-foot-long whale had been on a truck headed for a necropsy by researchers, when gases from internal decay caused its entrails to explode in the southern city of Tainan.

Holy fucking shitty exploding whale, Batman! That’s pretty fucked up. Even weirder is the Tainan-folk’s strange obsession with the whale’s enormous cock. I guess, I shouldn’t call it a cock, because a whale’s penis is actually called “dork”, or so decades of pop culture has told me. So, the whale had an abnormally large dork.

Once moved to a nearby nature preserve, the male specimen — the largest whale ever recorded in Taiwan — drew the attention of locals because of its large penis, measured at some five feet, the Taipei Times reported.

Holy five-foot dorks, Batman! This whale had everything. Oh, how horrible it must be for him to be dead at the top of his game. I bet he didn’t think his career was going to explode — literally! He missed his chance at an amazing career as a porn star. Willy Wiggler, they’d call him. He coulda been somebody.

Or maybe he already was somebody. Maybe he had a series of underground tapes, the hottest shit around. His five-foot schlong had earned him wealth and fame and everything he ever wanted, like chum.

But it also brought him something he didn’t need — temptation. Booze, drugs, illicit sex, sperm-shooting — the works. He finally decided to end it all just as mainstream success was breaking. Oh cruel fate, how you’ve robbed us all. Robbed us of Willy Wiggler, super-sperm whale of the sea. Whale on, Willy.

Whale on.