Have you ever had a Death Metal Morning™? It’s when you need a fix of super-loud, super-fast death metal in the morning when most sane people are listening to light music to slowly wake the hell up.
As I was pulling out of my driveway this morning I couldn’t find anything decent on the radio so I switched to a CD Andy gave me – Nile. I figured it might be a death metal morning. Boy was I right.
Not three seconds after putting on the CD I turned onto a road not more than 100 feet from my house and was nearly driven right off the road by a vehicle coming at me at extreme speed.
This is a neighborhood, mind you. Kids are all over the place around here, and this street was a residential road (one lane in each direction) with a speed limit of 30 mph, which most people actually follow. Not dumbshit though. She/he was going at least 50 miles an hour. Although the car was coming right at me I managed to make it up to 30 before they caught up to me. You’d think we’d be cool, right?
No. Dumbfuck swerves and passes me, crossing the double yellow line (no passing) and into oncoming traffic (there was none. This is a quiet neighborhood…or it was) and gives me the finger as if this is all somehow my fault.
No way, muthafucker. Not in my neighborhood. So I follow the little bitch and lay on the horn. We come up to a stoplight and we have to wait at least 30 seconds, thus negating any time dumbshit might’ve saved by speeding 50+ mph in a residential zone.
Muthafucker should be thanking Jesus I didn’t have a fucking baseball bat in my car or there would’ve been trouble. She/he would’ve seen a well-dressed office drone jump out of his car with a bat and death metal blaring. I would’ve proceeded to beat the fuck out of his/her nice-ass SUV (of course it was an SUV) while screaming, “Not in my neighborhood, MUTHERFUCKER!!!” repeatedly. It would’ve been quite a sight.
Luckily, I don’t have a baseball bat in my car, but life is a mosh pit and I’m thinking about getting one. We live in a death metal world and if you’re not ready to fight back you’re gonna get your face stepped on.
Nile, by the way, is perfect for working through a spasm of rage in the morning. It truly was a Death Metal Morning™.