Electric Monkey Pants

Did you hear?! Our poor navy was ravaged by FEARSOME IRANIAN SPEEDBOATS!!! Oh my!

The Pentagon has released its own video of Sunday’s incident, showing small Iranian boats swarming around U.S. warships in the Strait of Hormuz.

In the recording, a man threatens in English, “I am coming to you. … You will explode after … minutes.”

Sure, the tape is a fake and speedboats menace warships the same way a matchbox car menaces a Hummer, but still!! Fearsome Iranian Speedboats, man! I’ve asked Jeebus about this and he says we need to invade Iran right away before they send even more Fearsome Iranian Speedboats at us!!

I don’t see why we’re not nuking Iran right now!! The guy faking an Iranian accent in the fake video clearly said we would “explode after… minutes”! What more do you need?! A crude skull & crossbones flag with “Death to the Great Satan” written on it?! Just imagine the horror! We need to nip this Iranian menace in the bud NOW!

If we put up with Fearsome Iranian Speedboats today, what will Iran send after us next?! My God, they could send Marauding Iranian Helicopters or even Dreadful Iranian Bedouins (and their Camels) to Missouri!!! OH DEAR GOD WHAT WILL WE DO?!!!

Write your congressmen! We need to nuke Iran before their Fearsome Iranian Speedboats strike again!!