Category : Van Halen

Hate to Say I Told You So

No, this isn’t about Iraq (but I did). Instead, it’s about Van Halen. I mentioned the impending reunion a few posts ago, if you remember. Well, like the poll results indicated, disaster was just waiting for a chance to spooge its awful justice in our collective faces.

Over the weekend, employees of tour promoters Live Nation were informed that “the Van Halen tour has been shut down.” It’s not yet clear what went wrong: Just last week, the band released their first official photo of their new line-up to Rolling Stone.

Well, there goes that. I guess Wolfgang will have to get a summer job instead. Welcome to showbiz, kid!

Anybody have any bets on what went wrong? I’m betting that David Lee Roth started some random beef with Eddie about Wolfie being in the band (he wanted to hire a rapper instead), or maybe Dave just demanded a separate touring bus that floats (he doesn’t like bumpy roads). Mr. Roth is not known for being gracious and accommodating. But he is known for great lines like this:

At the time, Roth told us that he was thrilled about the tour, and that the reunion could be permanent: “I have Hope and Faith – and that’s more than just the name of a couple of strippers from Albuquerque,” he said.

Those strippers would probably have less mental issues. Maybe the Van Halen family can hook up with them.

Okay, that was cold. I shouldn’t make fun of balding people, it’s just that David Lee Roth’s receding hairline reminds me of how old I am. I can remember that Hot For Teacher video like yesterday. That was like 20 years ago. 23, I think. Damn dude. 2007 is like… the future! We’re in the future! And it’s pretty fucking dystopian.

Beyond the obvious terror of the deranged Bush regime we future-dwellers have further horrors to contend with. Like the prospect of a middle-aged Van Halen dancing on our memories, forever encoding the grim reality of their wrinkles upon our youth. Well, at least they have Wolfgang with them. If you haven’t heard, Eddie’s 15 year old son Wolfgang has replaced original-bassist, Michael Anthony. Mikey has been playing with Sammy Hagar’s band recently, which kind of pissed off the Van Halen brothers. I love Eddie’s playing, but I think he’s fucking washed up and needs to lay off the booze and get his shit together.

What are your predictions for the upcoming Van Halen / David Lee Roth reunion?

David Lee Roth is back in Van Halen. The tour will result in…
massive amounts of cash
unmitigated disaster
a new album
a boycott by Michael Anthony fans
Sammy Hagar crying in his tequila free polls