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Category : funny

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Big-penised 60-ton sperm whale explodes in downtown Tainan

Filed Under : death, drugs, funny, sex by vemrion
Mar.26,2007

Seriously.

This is not some sick joke.

It actually fucking happened. (don’t look if you don’t want to see exploded whale entrails)

Residents of Tainan learned a lesson in whale biology after the decomposing remains of a 60-ton sperm whale exploded on a busy street, showering nearby cars and shops with blood and organs and stopping traffic for hours.

The 56-foot-long whale had been on a truck headed for a necropsy by researchers, when gases from internal decay caused its entrails to explode in the southern city of Tainan.

Holy fucking shitty exploding whale, Batman! That’s pretty fucked up. Even weirder is the Tainan-folk’s strange obsession with the whale’s enormous cock. I guess, I shouldn’t call it a cock, because a whale’s penis is actually called “dork”, or so decades of pop culture has told me. So, the whale had an abnormally large dork.

Once moved to a nearby nature preserve, the male specimen — the largest whale ever recorded in Taiwan — drew the attention of locals because of its large penis, measured at some five feet, the Taipei Times reported.

Holy five-foot dorks, Batman! This whale had everything. Oh, how horrible it must be for him to be dead at the top of his game. I bet he didn’t think his career was going to explode — literally! He missed his chance at an amazing career as a porn star. Willy Wiggler, they’d call him. He coulda been somebody.

Or maybe he already was somebody. Maybe he had a series of underground tapes, the hottest shit around. His five-foot schlong had earned him wealth and fame and everything he ever wanted, like chum.

But it also brought him something he didn’t need — temptation. Booze, drugs, illicit sex, sperm-shooting — the works. He finally decided to end it all just as mainstream success was breaking. Oh cruel fate, how you’ve robbed us all. Robbed us of Willy Wiggler, super-sperm whale of the sea. Whale on, Willy.

Whale on.

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Ron Jeremy Confesses to Masterminding Sept. 11th Attacks with KSM

Filed Under : 9/11, funny, MSM, parody, religion, satire, sex, terror, torture, trial, TV by vemrion
Mar.16,2007

This is an Electric Monkey Pants Intergalactic News Network special report!

Porn-star Ron Jeremy has confessed to masterminding the attacks of September 11, 2001 along with his long-lost brother Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. “We did it,” Ron Jeremy wrote in his confession, calling the mysterious collapse of the towers “the money shot.”

Also confessing was Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (or “KSM” as he is known to lazy Americans). KSM had long eluded capture by the Americans by disguising himself as a grizzly bear. Later it was revealed that it wasn’t a disguise; he is just really, really hairy. He twice escaped captivity by pretending to be a dog with rabies, but was recaptured while picking nits and lice out of his fur.

Calling themselves the Hairy Brothers of Destruction, Mr. Jeremy and KSM confessed to a long list of crimes against humanity.

Authorities also seized a hard drive containing details of several assassination plots (including attempts to kill the Pope, Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter’s gardener), and hundreds of gigs of midget porn, bestiality porn, and pictures of Ron Jeremy rubbing KSM with sandpaper in what appears to be an attempt at hair removal.

The deranged duo admitted to being tortured by federal agents, and hinted at Abu Ghraib-style torture involving being stacked in a pile of naked men and being led around on a leash. They also indicated that they kind of liked it.

While enjoying a breakfast of bacon and eggs the confessed masterminds of 9/11 assured their interrogators that they were devout Muslims and that their confession was not coerced: “Karl Rove didn’t call me and ask for a confession in exchange for 30 Brazilian hookers. Nothing like that happened, at all” Mr. Jeremy assured his captors, who then fed the revelations to several unquestioning, servile reporters, including this one.

KSM supplied a type-written note that listed all of the crimes the duo is responsible for masterminding. The list includes:

  • the bombing of U.S. Cole
  • the decapitation of Daniel Pearl
  • the planting of explosives that brought down WTC 7
  • farting in the interrogation room — twice
  • the bombing of a nightclub in Bali, Indonesia
  • jump-starting Paris Hilton’s career
  • the Democrats’ strong showing in the November elections
  • happy-slapping
  • Abu-Ghraib (specifically: getting the Americans caught)
  • Hurricane Katrina
  • eye-boogers
  • killing Anna Nicole Smith
  • causing President Bush to appear stupid and clueless on TV
  • the Hindenburg disaster
  • pimples
  • the estate tax
  • the illusion of global warming (to scare hippies)
  • the Oklahoma City bombing
  • Watergate
  • killing Jesus Christ (and Old Yeller)

Ron Jeremy supplied an identical list, but he crossed out “Paris Hilton” and wrote “virneeral dizees”, then crossed that out and wrote “VD.”

The above information was provided to reporters on the condition that we not mention Alberto Gonzales, the word “impeachment” or the many inconsistencies in the official 9/11 story for 3 weeks. Naturally, we agreed because we just repeat whatever they say anyway.

[ed.: wait… were we supposed to repeat that last part?… i’d better call karl. hold till then]

This has been an Electric Monkey Pants Intergalactic News Network (EMPINN) special report!

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Israeli ambassador found naked in the street wearing BDSM gear

Filed Under : funny, humor, scandal, sex by vemrion
Mar.12,2007

This is one of those stories that can’t be made unfunny. I know I said I was boycotting the BBC (I found this via Reddit), but their write-up is too funny to pass up.

Israel has recalled its ambassador to El Salvador after he was found drunk and naked apart from bondage gear.Reports say he was able to identify himself to police only after a rubber ball had been removed from his mouth.

Gagged, bound, disoriented and nearly-naked? Sounds like he was negotiating with the Bush administration!

Authorities said they were unable to find the donkey.

A foreign ministry official described Ambassador Tzuriel Refael’s behaviour as an unprecedented embarrassment.

The incident, which happened two weeks ago, has renewed calls for a radical overhaul of the way Israel appoints and promotes its diplomats.

Indeed, Israel has changed the process for initiating new ambassadors. No longer will they be gagged with a rubber ball and forced to dress up like the gimp. Nope! No more drunken orgies or visits to the dominatrix for spanking and discipline. Part of Israel’s culture is fading they conform to international norms. The hazing process will now involve papercuts and titty-twisters like most other countries.

Mental note: watch out for those El Salvadoran dominatrices. They really go the extra mile.

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FuglyBack

Filed Under : funny, humor, movie, music by vemrion
Feb.27,2007

Just got back from Toronto and on the way back, in the airport I saw a little 8 year old girl on the pudgy side with those multicolor cornrows that all the girls get when they go to somewhere tropical for spring break… and I thought: “She’s bringing fugly back.”

Yeah, it’s pretty awful, I know. But it was one of those thought-portmanteaus or something… You know, when two thoughts get mushed together. I took some, like.. “thought dough” and kind of merged it before I realized how totally cruel that shit is. But it’s still funny, yo!

I’m sure you all hate me know, but I’m bringing brutal honesty back, like Randal tried to bring back “porch monkey” in clerks II. Oh yeah, and it’s a reference to Justin Timberlake and his SexyBack thing-song. I’m wasn’t aware sexy left, but it’s a smart move on JT’s part. Bringing back something that never left is very easy. However, convincing people that you brought it back is the key to deluding the helpless public.

You may thing you’ll get away with this, Justin — but I’m on to you!! And your little SneakyBack shit, too. Fucker.

Anyway, I’m tired and my feet hurt. Bad. That concludes this post… Stay fugly, Toronto.

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I Hate Valentine’s Day (a violent plan for retribution)

Filed Under : capitalism, funny, holiday, money, rant, scam by vemrion
Feb.14,2007

Did I mention I fucking hate Valentine’s Day? It fucking sucks. I didn’t set out to be a wet blanket for those of you who enjoy this crappy Hallmark Holiday (e.g. those of you with significant others), but I don’t give a flying fuck, and you’re too wrapped into each other to notice anyway.

It always starts the same. You meet a girl/guy, who’s like “oh I hate Valentine’s Day. It’s totally lame and wasteful.” Next thing you know you’re spending hundreds of dollars on your VD gifts to each other. Each of you feels a need to both give and receive gifts because everyone else is doing it. You don’t want your partner to feel unloved and left out do you? Corporate America has made it quite clear that you are a bad person if you don’t spend half your paycheck on flowers, chocolates, romantic dinners, and more.

No matter how anti-VD you start out, once you’ve been in a relationship awhile you start to break down. You feel neglectful if you don’t get your sweetie something on February 14th (because lord knows there’s something soooo different about February 14th. All those other days are for neglecting your lover). Even if you hate the holiday as I do you find yourself cheating a little with flowers or maybe a little something extra.

Because of all the pressure on couples it becomes exceedingly obvious who has a significant other (SO) and who does not. Thus, the real purpose of VD is revealed: Shaming those who don’t have SOs. It’s pretty obvious who is who. The person without an SO is writing angry, anti-Valentine’s Day screeds on his blog while those in a relationship are dipping into their kids’ college funds to pay for increasingly elaborate and expensive gifts (gotta top last year!) in order to convince both your SO and yourself that you still love her/him.

Normally, I don’t encourage people to burn down flower shops (make sure your firebombs are wrapped in pink packaging), hunt down and eviscerate candy-company executives (despite their hard exterior they’re gooey on the inside), or use VD cards to give Hallmark employees a million little papercuts (bind them with caramel so they can’t move), but because Feb. 14th is apparently so different (it’s the day you actually love loved ones!!!!!11!1), I’m going to make an exception.

I’m working on some candy-themed weaponry for next year, including a railgun that shoots Smarties and a rose-thorn chainsaw that is more fantastically bloody and painful than effective at sawing through limbs. The R&D budget is quite high because of all the money I’ve saved from not having a girlfriend. This means the Napalm-based chocolate hearts are right on schedule (Agent Orange version coming soon). I’m still working on the engagement rings made out of depleted uranium, but the VX-based chocolates are deliciously deadly. I suggest getting the sampler pack.

You can’t say I don’t get into the spirit of the holiday. Besides, as Nazareth taught us, Love Hurts. Of course, in this case it also causes 3rd degree burns, internal hemorrhaging, vaporized limbs, blindness, cancer, liquified flesh, post-traumatic stress disorder and some zombie-ism.

But it comes with free gift wrapping!

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Hatebeak’s God of Empty Nest – Death Metal with an Avian Twist

Filed Under : funny, metal, music, reviews by vemrion
Feb.6,2007

In my years upon this planet I have discovered that there are two basic types of people in this world: Those who talk about starting a hardcore death metal band with a parrot for a lead singer, and those who actually do it. Hatebeak, my friends, is the latter.

No, I’m not kidding. After you’ve heard their music you’ll know what awaits you in the bowls of helllllll!!!!! They sound like Cock & Ball Torture, but the unholy screeches are like the howls of demon…. uh parrots. Seriously, give it a listen. Download a copy. Play it at your prom. Let your grandma jump in the pit. Fuck yeaaah.

Personally, I think we should give Hatebeak the keys to the kingdom. Who else has given so much to humanity? There should be parades, fireworks, medals of honor, world acclaim and they should get their choice of our finest virgins.

Fuck your Britney Spears records. Her time is over. It’s time for… HATEBEAK!!!

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Happy Friday from the Star Wars Kid

Filed Under : funny, humor, parody, Star Wars, videos by vemrion
Feb.2,2007

This is the best parody of the Star Wars Kid I’ve ever seen. Enjoy:

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Idiocracy is Brilliant

Filed Under : censorship, funny, future, idiots, movie, reviews by vemrion
Jan.24,2007

I just saw Mike Judge’s new movie, Idiocracy, and it’s such a brilliant satire that I can see why Fox tried to bury it.

It’s a potent look at our present, despite the fact that the movie is set in 2505. Intelligence declined precipitously over 5 centuries, leaving the people of 2505 incredibly stupid. Luke Wilson’s character, Joe, is frozen cryogenically for 500 years and when he (implausibly) wakes up to discover this horrific fact he is arrested for not having a barcode like everyone else in the future. Though arrested, he simply talks his way out of jail and runs off to try and find a time machine to take him back.

Although Joe is the smartest man alive in the 2505 he certainly isn’t very smart by 2007 standards. It is with this dark idea that Judge weaves his vicious comedy. If this idiot can solve the world’s problems, why can’t the rest of us?

The idiots of the future think Joe’s intelligent points are actually the pompous ravings of a “fag”. During Joe’s speech to the nation at the end he says, “… And there was a time, a long time ago, when reading wasn’t ‘just for fags’.” When was that, exactly? I’m afraid the idiocy Mike Judge is skewering is our own.

Idiocracy is very good, but Fox decided to release the movie the same way most of us release a monster piece of shit; quietly and discretely. (I hope that’s how you take a dump anyway. It could be loud and with a huge PR campaign, but I’ll be discrete and refrain from asking) The movie was quickly flushed away and won more praise from reviewers than it did from Fox’s publicists. Surely, the world is upside-down and the idiots are in charge. There can be no doubt at the end of the movie that the decision to bury the movie was a political act. The movie’s depiction of corporate and political life hits too close to home. And the best part is: it’s funny! You might even learn something.

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Jeepers, Ireland! Lay off the coke!

Filed Under : cocaine, drugs, funny, study by vemrion
Jan.11,2007

The BBC is reporting that 100% of Irish Euros were found to have traces of cocaine on them by a recent study.

Researchers used the latest forensic techniques that would detect even the tiniest fragments to study a batch of 45 used banknotes. The scientists at Dublin’s City University said they were “surprised by their findings”.

Some of the notes had such high levels of cocaine on them that it is thought they were used to snort the drug.

Others had much lower traces and may have been cross-contaminated, perhaps in the wallets or pockets of users.

Man, Ireland. Maybe it’s time to slow down, okay? I think you’ve had enough.

Since they studied with only 45 notes it’s quite possible that a percentage closer to 95% would result from a more randomized study including thousands of bills. Presumably a bank note fresh from the bank would be free of cocaine traces. … Presumably.

The study also found that higher value banknotes, such as 20 and 50 euros, were more likely to contain greater traces of the drug.

Hmm… so that means that rich people handle a lot of coke. (Presumably) Perhaps the rising cocaine usage rates in Ireland are the result of a burgeoning business class. They like to party you know, after a big sale or meeting or whatever. Lotsa 50s flyin’ around to pay for drinks and to stuff in a stripper’s outfit, I’m sure. But I’m sure this will be mostly blamed on the poor and destitute, some of whom may use coke or speed to stay awake so they can work two 8 hour shifts. I’m sure the cops will continue to hassle the lower class while the upper class gets away with everything. That’s the way it’s always been.

So put down the coke, Ireland. Chill. … Smoke a doobie if you need to calm down.

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Neo-cons hang Saddam in retaliation for assassination of Gerald Ford

Filed Under : death, fascism, funny, neocons, satire, war by vemrion
Dec.30,2006

This just in from the Electric Monkey Pants Intergalactic News Network (EMPINN):

Washington insiders say that today’s execution of former Iraqi dictactor Saddam Hussein was moved forward by neo-conservatives eager to punish the traitorous hippies for the alleged assassination of former President Gerald Ford.

Our sources indicate that the neocons, led by Dick Cheney, believe that a covert hippy assassination squad was responsible for the untimely death of Cheney’s old boss, Gerald Ford. The prevailing theory is that a Greenpeace-trained eco-terrorist squad was responsible for the hit, citing Ford’s love of meat as the main beef.

EMPINN correspondants report that most people on “the street” believe that a poisoned carton of applesauce was smuggled into the Ford residence and deployed remotely, via “secret hippy-powers.”

A call to Hippy Headquarters in San Francisco reached the “main dude” of the Hippy Network who responded to the allegations forcefully, stating, “What?! Uh… man, that’s fucked up. No way, dude; these people are on acid. Fuck them, dude.”

Now insiders are indicating that the hanging of Saddam Hussein was, in part, a retaliation for the hippy hit on Ford. An anonymously dressed source maintains “it was payback for the Ford hit. Since, you know, hippies are in league with Saddam the Cheneyites figured that killing Saddam would sap them of their powers.”

The vice president’s office refused to comment, saying, “Dick doesn’t have time to respond to every little rumor that his office leaks out. Besides, he’s in a meeting with the Prince of Darkness and can’t be interrupted.”

This has been an Electric Monkey Pants Intergalactic News Network special report.

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US-Mexican Border Fence Building Firm Busted for Hiring Illegal Workers

Filed Under : America, funny by vemrion
Dec.15,2006

The Golden State Fence Company, which built part of the border fence that is used to keep illegal immigrants out of the US, has been fined almost $5 million for hiring illegal workers. Two executives may face jail time.

Could this be any more ironic?

read more | digg story

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Rumsfeld Resigns!! Applies for position of ‘Skeletor’

Filed Under : evil, fascism, funny, neocons by vemrion
Nov.8,2006

This is something of a shocker. I thought they were gonna keep Rummy until the bitter end. But after the Democrats took the House and now — possibly — the Senate, Rummy and friends probably realized that he was going to be eaten alive before committees of all kinds. He’ll probably still have to testify, but cutting him loose was a smart move. The ready-made replacement, Robert Gates, is an old CIA hand who was investigated during the Iran/Contra scandal. Not exactly inspiring. We can expect more of the same from Gates.

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